We hold these Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense to be self-evident

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Special collections
If you wish to put in new Wikipedia Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense, you may do so at 67 Deletion Summer of Love. But PLEASE cite your sources!


Reference to "We hold these truths to be self-evident", from the Preamble to the United States Declaration of Independence

This page is full. If you wish to add a new Bad Joke or Other Deleted Nonsense, feel free to do so at our newest page, 67 Deletion Summer of Love.

From God[edit]

The common definition of God assumes omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, omnivorous, and omnibenevolence.

From SWORDS[edit]

Article is about a new robotic weapon system in development by the US Army. In the middle of some very good expansion of the article - the anon adds this as the intro

Robot soldiers have long featured in movies (The Terminator, Robocop), but until recently have remained that, fiction. Enter the SWORDS.

From my user talk page[edit]

Don't post nonsense. Don't post in all caps. Don't post in all bold text. Don't post in all bold caps. Don't post nonsense in all bold caps. RickK 07:10, Apr 10, 2005 (UTC)

From Bear Brutal[edit]

Anon created page:

BEAR BRUTAL- A stout, angry man that lives in a bedroom in his parents house. He attacks his own brain with circular logic and the persuit of questions that need not be answered.

Makes one wonder if Viking berserkers should be renamed Polar Bear Brutals

From Earthquake[edit]

earthquakes are usually natural disasters however in toronto, earthquakes are caused when JONATHAN GETS OFF HIS FREAKING BED!!!!!! As a result the city of toronto turns into rubble and the cn tower collapses. Soon Jonathan becomes king of the world because he threatens to sit on whomever opposes him.

In mexico the methane gas "earthquakes" invaribly is caused by poor sewer maintenence which builds over the decades of the constant comsumption of a Beans and Burrito diet ( by the poor) in and around mexico city. The last 3 quakes in and around mexico were caused by this very reason.

The major cause of an earthquake is actually a vicious cycle, which repeats in the following steps:

Step 1: A psycic will predict an earthquake and it will be known through various mediums.
Step 2: People become fearful and prepare for Earthquake. They start preparing their houses and such.
Step 3: Animals notice how the people are acting strange and start becoming aggravated. Many animals start randomly jumping up and down on the ground in their confusion.
Step 4: The animals jumping up and down causes vibrations in the earth and it begins a chain reaction.
Step 5: Earthquake occurs.
note: This comes from the Tom Weller book, Science Made Stupid.

From Thomas Jefferson--can't believe we don't have an article on this...[edit]

Thomas Jefferson (April 13 (April 2 Old Style), 1743 – July 4, 1826) was the third President of the United States (1801–1809), author of the United States Declaration of Independence (1776), and one of the most influential Founders of the United States. (Note: the link to "Founders" was probably meant to say Founders He invented the microwave oven to make delightful toast, a blend of straberry jam and sour kraut., but the editor goofed.)

From New York[edit]

Your mom was one of the original thirteen colonies that became the United States.

The first European settlers were fat and loved to eat big macs now known as the U.S. biggest fat seller.


BOO!!![edit]

These jokes suck. Here's another.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Okay, not really.

From Bacon Buertoen[edit]

The Bacon Buertoen is a term applied to a marginally adapted Bacon butty (or indeed bacon sandwich). There are however several deviations from that of a standard bacon sandwich.

Method[edit]

Within a Bacon Buertoen, the bacon is drizzled in vinegar whilst being fried in a standard frying pan. HP Sauce is then doused completely over the bacon, whilst being fried, to allow for the spices to enrich the bacon's flavour. Upon removal, the bacon is inserted into cheese spreaded bread (this cheese spread is implemented as a substitute for the more standard butter utilised in other sandwich delights.)

Alternatively, for a chilled delight, one could place the recently cooked bacon into a refrigerator to be eaten cold at a later date or reheated.

Other Information[edit]

Such a sandwich is best enjoyed at lunch, however, it can be enjoyed at all times of the day. In this way, it is similar to a Bacon Butty, however the differentiating ingredients disallow such a comparison to be made.

The term is commonly believed to have first been coined and sourced by deX, a frequent IRC dweller.

From "Bob the Cow"[edit]

Bob the Cow, authored by (pen-name) John P. Winkelheimer III Esq, is the fictional main character in multiple unpublished short stories from 2000-2004. This series is often referred to as the "Bob the Cow" series. As his name dictates, he is a cow.

Even though the series technically ended in 2004, Winkelheimer was still sporadically writing Bob the Cow stories into 2005.

In his stories, Bob is described as a three-legged, one nostriled cow who has a one mile long tail who also eats through his nose.

The basis of his stories are normally as such: he is constantly being severely injured but somehow manages to survive each time. That is why most of his stories' titles are in this format-"Bob the Cow Gets <Injury>, But Lives". Bob's best friend, Bill the Cow, also gets severely maimed but he too manages to survive the catastrophes Bob usually gets them into.

The stories were known for their parodies and "cheap imitations". Some examples include "The National Perspirer", Liptom Whisk Iced Pee", and "Moss Spatulas Tribspoon".

The Bob the Cow series, approximately 25-35 stories in total, found little acclaim. The author even tried to make a couple websites to gain attention to his stories, but attention was minimal.

Bob the Cow News, a monthly publication of fictional news articles, was produced in 2002. It was popular among one small group of people, but over the summer of 2002, the paper was cancelled due to an "overusage of pink fluffy toilet paper", according to the fictional editors of the newspaper (real reason-lack of readership). In 2003, 5 months after the paper was cancelled, a comeback of the paper was attempted, but it was aborted after only one issue. Very rarely, new issues are released, but only for the enjoyment of the author.

The main "writers" and "editors" of the "publication" were: Rickles Boddywirth, Riko Riko Tan Tan, Timmo Teloaoa, Fries N. Ketchup, White Flower, Jonny Cantamelon (relative of Jonny Cant-alope, a writer who "left" the newsletter), Jif Peanuttbutter, Mr. Terrance Smellybuns, Kik Mie Toosh and Joe Schmoalot.

At times, this fictional publication seemed to gain more attention than the actual stories themselves!

Characters, Places, Random Facts, and Other Things Worth Noting[edit]

Bob the Cow-Main character. Constantly getting hurt but managing to survive. And his tits went to Paris, France where he mingled with his mother

Bill the Cow-Bob's best friend. Normally by Bob's side, getting into the same messes Bob got into. Even though he was always with Bob, not much was mentioned about his characteristics.

Bo the Cow-Mentioned only once throughout the short-story series, as an apparition. In one issue of the newsletter, a whole page is dedicated to the life and times of Bo.

Susie (Susy) the Steer-An attempted character. Never went anywhere because steer sounds too masculine. When asked "if steers are male, why did Bob date Susie?", the author responded (paraphrased):

"Susie was a transvestite...Bob didn't know about this until a third party told him of her condition. He dumped her after learning that information."

There are a couple instances in the stories and newsletters where Susie was mentioned. It always ended up with her being turned into "delicious Grade-A Beef".

Pastrami Sandwich Monkey Monsters-One of the more popular groups of characters in the stories/newsletters. They resided on the planet XXZ, and for the most part would be described as "normal" in the world of Bob the Cow. They even had a few stories entirely based on them.

Louis Jackson Michael Youngington Cow-Bob's late "great aunt's uncle". Mentioned only once ever, in the newsletter. He is mentioned in an article telling of his passing due to his condition-"Cowstteroppreaaosiosis Reniva Kingcow Type X Disease A".

Cowville, Cheeseville, Cowarean, Beefington, Penal Colony City-All majors locations in the world of Bob the Cow. In one "saga"-which was a semi-knockoff of Bob the Cow News-Bob goes missing and people speculate he was lost in the Amazon, only to find out he was jailed in Penal Colony City for breaking wind in a public Pastrami Sandwich Monkey Monster area.

"Pastromball"-A fictional sport covered in the newsletters. There were eight "teams" in the "Pastromball League": the Cheese, Hams, Oilsuckers, Poops, Boogers, Nerds, Sugarlumps, and Lowlifes.

Fact-The name Timmo Teloaoa was inspired by former New York Mets (baseball) outfielder Timo Perez.

Fact-None of the writers and editors of the newsletter were ever mentioned in any of the actual stories.

Attempted Knockoff-Henry the Sunflower. Says Winkelheimer-

"The idea and basis of the story came from one of my associates. After writing a preliminary story (which was actually based in and around the home of Bob the Cow, with Bob playing a pretty major role), I realized the idea wasn't very good. So, I decided to scrap the idea of Henry the Sunflower altogether."

Random Information-Cheese was often mentioned in the story series and newsletter. "I don't know why I mention cheese so much," says Winkelheimer, "it's just funny. Cheese is funny. Sprinkle it onto your story like you do a taco and you wind up with something good. I guess that explains it."

Winkelheimer's Other Works[edit]

Winkelheimer has written many, many poems, essays and short stories-the majority of which were based in comedy. Currently, only one of his works-a dramatic (non-comedic) poem entitled "Vanished Without a Trace"-has been published. Unlike the majority of his recent works, this poem was written (and published) under his original name.

"Without sufficient funds," explains Winkelheimer, "I can't publish much. But luckily, I have been able to post multiple works on the Internet."

Many of his works, including his original Bob the Cow stories, were penned using his original name.

Some of his other works include:

"Ode to Cheese", "The Dog", and-his first and only (incomplete) attempt at a novel-"The Key".

From The Mediation Cabal[edit]

What's going on?
Adding "boobies" to random articles.
What would you like to change about that?
Needs less boobs.
If you'd prefer we work discreetly, how can we reach you?
I'm already out of the closet, I don't feel the need for a discreet relationship.

From wp:Talk:Jesus#Jesus.27_Relationship_With_a_Young_Man[edit]

"The young man looked at Jesus, loved him, and began to beg him to be with him....Six days later. Jesus gave him an order; and when evening had come, the young man went to him, dressed only in a linen cloth. He spent the night with him, because Jesus taught him the mystery of God's domain."

This is legitimate, more or less. It's from the Secret Gospel of Mark.218.167.182.56 10:55, 8 January 2006 (UTC)

From Chloroplast's edit history during the DNA vandal attack...[edit]

  1. (cur) (last) 03:53, 7 June 2005 Boothy443 (rv lame)
  2. (cur) (last) 03:53, 7 June 2005 Jefferson B. Sessions III's DNA (YOU CAN'T REVERT ME, I'M A US SENATOR!)
  3. (cur) (last) 03:52, 7 June 2005 Boothy443 (rv)
  4. (cur) (last) 03:50, 7 June 2005 Richard C. Shelby's DNA m (You can't revert me, I'm a U.S. Senator!)

From Deletion review[edit]

Am I the only one who considers this being on We hold these Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense to be self-evident a little bit ironic? :)

United States[edit]

It looks like we've got a vandal who got hold of User:Curps account and he's started to delete articles including this one. Please speedy handle this. Caerwine Caerwhine 22:40, 15 December 2005 (UTC)

  • I (and, I assume, a hundred other people) tried to restore it. It errored out. I would guess at this point a developer needs to look into it. Friday (talk) 22:49, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Easy, tigers! The talk page says Curps is repairing page move vandalism, which at least seems plausible. -Splashtalk 22:51, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Keep deleted, non-notable nation. :P Titoxd(?!? - did you read this?) 22:53, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
    • Only if we get to invade and get another cessation. 68.39.174.238 22:57, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Yup, it appears to be a database problem. Sorry about the ruckus, but with such a notable article, I felt like it was appropriate to shoot first and ask questions later. Caerwine Caerwhine 22:59, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Undelete all the other countries have articles, and I've been hearing a lot about the United States lately. 1,300,000,000 Google hits, plenty of media mentions. Notable. Andrew Lenahan - Starblind 23:04, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Keep deleted. Hopelessly POV, and in violation of the our policy Wikipedia:No invasions without United Nations approval. -- SCZenz 23:08, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Overturn and list on AfD. in seriousness, I think I tried to fix this page move vandalism at the same time, and the database was a bit wonky at that moment - we probably crossed the streams. Phil Sandifer 23:09, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Extremely strong undelete. Somebody cut-pasted to United States of America and deleted United States leaving more than 7000 deleted edits. Georgia guy 23:13, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Move to Georgia. If that's taken, try the Gerogerigegege. --SPUI (talk) 23:16, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Serious comment/question: United States briefly was a redirect to United States of America. Until a developer can sort out this mess, shouldn't that redirect be temporarily recreated? —Lifeisunfair 23:18, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
    • Serious answer: Simply re-creating the re-direct (please let me know if this is wrong) will simply leave the thousands of edits before the deletion mentioned as deleted and have the new re-direct a page with a one-edit history. Georgia guy 23:20, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
      • Hence the word "temporary". The edits will be restored per GFDL. The redirect would be useful unless it interfereces with fixing the problem somehow. -- SCZenz 23:22, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
      • I understand that, which is why I stipulated that the redirect should have been temporary (until the technical problem preventing proper restoration was resolved). Another option was a temporary copy-and-paste recreation at United States. It appears, however, that all of this has become moot. —Lifeisunfair 23:28, 15 December 2005 (UTC)
  • Moot: Look up, it is a blue link now. Fixed. Titoxd(?!? - did you read this?) 23:29, 15 December 2005 (UTC)

From Babe Ruth[edit]

Brother Gilbert brought Ruth to the attention of his mom, owner and manager of the minor-league Baltimore Orioles, and the man often credited with discovering him.

From Cathedral of St Columba[edit]

Designed by Giles Gilbert Scott who also designed the red telephone box and Battersy Power Station.

From Minsterley[edit]

One of the main attractions of Minsterley is it's lovely bus shelter. Why not take your kids there for a visit? The local teenagers seem to love it. People with an interest in badly modified Vauxhall Nova’s should also have plenty to see and do.

Due to the local meat (tongue) factory, Chicken farm and Cheese factory, Minsterley tends to be rather pungent at times.

Interestingly, the name Minsterley come from the Latin for 'inbred'.

Common local phrases you might hear include, "Fancy a fight mon?" and the old classic "Oi mate, get us 10 Lambert and Butler from the Spar will ya".

Anyone interested in Minsterley may also like to look up Wem.

Best avoided.

This is the actual truth about Minsterley. Nuke the place and have done with inbred retardos.

From the Wikimedia Help Desk[edit]

From: name and email removed
Reply-To: Help desk for questions about Wikimedia projects <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]MUNG.invalid
 'Cc: [email protected], [email protected], International Court of Justice - Webmaster <[email protected]>
Date: Dec 14, 2005 12:02 AM
Subject: [HelpDesk-l] I NEED A LAWYER. CAN YOU HELP?

...Can you get me a good lawyer? There's millions of dollars involved in this and I can give a good deal to this lawyer when the money is received by me in full compensation.

Will you help? You have the influence. I need your services very badly.

Thanks.

name removed

From [Wolfgoatpig][edit]

The roots of Wolf-Goat-Pig (WGP) go back to Scotland{fact}} where the game of golf originated. As the story goes{fact}} the old sheep tenders of Scotland began hitting rocks with sticks to pass the time. One thing led to another and before long a game resembling golf evolved{fact}}. Of course where there is a game there is competition. And where there is competition there is usually a bet.

And when it came to the betting part of this new game called golf it soon became apparent that the most skilled clearly had an advantage. And if the alpha males were too dominant the game would become stale. And if the game became stale they would all be back to just tending sheep.

So the Scots devised a Game{fact}} that rewarded good betting as much as good golfing. Rewarded guile as much as skill. Emphasized fellowship over rivalry. Encouraged spirited banter over competitiveness. And in the end left the participants richer for the experience not poorer in the pocketbook{fact}} (it's a Scottish thing).

So why call the Game Wolf-Goat-Pig? The originators of the Game were most likely to be playing in groups of three. Generally there were three shephards used to maintain a flock as they would use triangulation principles to keep the sheep together.

And sources point out{fact}} that the original Game was most likely called Wolf-Sheep-Boar. The Goat (sheep) and Pig (boar) are historically compatible animals who are of a sincere, pure, and honorable nature. The perfect foils for the big bad wolf.

The wolf symbolized the player 'going after' the other two players. Although the wolf is a skilled predator,the shephards have long noted that the animal is an opportunist as well, preferring to take down the very young, the very old, the weak, or the diseased of its prey. Inevitably, these disadvantaged animals are the easiest to catch. Thus the wolf embodies the player who lies in wait for the opportunity to skin his opponents when they are in a weaker position.

From "Columbia TriStar Home Video slogans"[edit]

There were more of these lists for some other movie studios as well. Can you imagine what the results would be if any video company used any of these for real?

The following is a list of Columbia TriStar Home Video slogans used on home video and promotional literature for Columbia TriStar:

1978: "Your Source for Great Videocassettes"

1982: "You'll Be Around It"

1983: "World's Best Films on Video"

1985: "Best Videocassettes Ever"

1991: "We're Coming Home Today"

1992: "It's Waiting Quick"

1993: "Your Video is Our Movie"

1996: "Take Hollywood Home"

1997: "What We Watch on Video"

1998: "Great Video for Us"

1999: "Real Great Stuff"

2001: "Get it Here on VHS and DVD"

2003: "Give Us Pride"

2005: "We Can't Miss It"

From "ZOMBIE programming language"[edit]

ZOMBIE[edit]

ZOMBIE, or the Zombie-Oriented Machine-Being Interface Engine is an unimplemented tongue-in-cheek esoteric programming language designed by David Morgan-Mar, and intended to be used by necromancers. Morgan-Mar designed ZOMBIE in order to create a language that

  1. allows the necromancer to animate dead bodies, summon and control spirits, and solve any computable problem.
  2. has sensible guarantees against overwriting system memory, monopolising CPU cycles, and releasing malicious entities into the world.
  3. is inherently evil.

Entities[edit]

Entities are the main data structures in a ZOMBIE program. They come in three different types.

Undead[edit]

Undead are spirits of the dead, unable to pass out of the physical world. They are broken down into three types:

  1. Zombies and other enslaved undead, which are always animated by a necromancer;
  2. Ghosts and other restless undead, which remain on the mortal plain for varying reasons;
  3. Vampires and other free-willed undead, which use their death to spread evil across the Earth.

Demons[edit]

Demons are free-willed, malicious entities. While they can be summoned and forced to do certain tasks, the aspiring ZOMBIE necromancer must make sure that:

  • The demon does not twist the necromancer's commands to corrupt the necromancer's intent while technically remaining faithful to the command
  • The protective spells against the demon are impenetrable, lest the demon turn on the necromancer.

Djinni[edit]

Djinni are free-willed, unpredictable entities. While they can be controlled by objects that are magically bound to them, such as magic lamps, djinni will often exact harsh revenge on those who controlled them.

Description of entities[edit]

In a parody of object-oriented programming, ZOMBIE's entities must each be declared and sometimes disturbed or animated.

  • Zombies must be declared then animated; as one would expect, zombies do the active tasks assigned to them as quickly as possible and in their original order.
  • Ghosts must be declared then disturbed. Due to the restless nature of ghosts, they will do the tasks assigned to them in order, but may indefinitely postpone any task. However, the ghost will eventually perform every task once.
  • Vampires must be declared, but do not need to be animated or disturbed. They will do their tasks assigned to them, but in a random order. Vampires will perform each task exactly once.
  • Demons must be declared. Assuming that the proper precautions are taken, a demon will do what is asked of it. Demons will do each task in a random order and at least once; unlike undead, demons are capable of multitasking.
  • Djinni must be declared, but do not need to be animated or disturbed. They may or may not do the tasks assigned to them; if they choose to do the tasks they will do them in a random order and may or may not multitask.

Data values[edit]

Values in ZOMBIE code are either free-format arithmetic equations or strings; each entity can hold one and only one value.

Entity declaration syntax[edit]

Entities in a ZOMBIE program are declared via the following syntax: 

entity-name is [a|an] entity-type { entity-statements }

All valid ZOMBIE programs must declare at least one entity.


Sample ZOMBIE code[edit]

The canonical "Hello, world!" program: 

HelloWorld is a zombie
summon
	task SayHello
		say "Hello World!"
	animate
animate

A Fibonacci number generator: 

Zombie1 is a zombie
summon
	remember 1
bind

Zombie2 is a zombie
summon
	remember 1
bind

FibonacciZombie is a zombie
summon
	remember 0
	task SayFibonaccis
		shamble
			say moan Zombie1
			say moan Zombie2
			remember Zombie1 moan Zombie1 moan Zombie2
			remember Zombie2 moan Zombie1 moan Zombie2
			remember moan 2
		until remembering 100
	animate
animate

Chav Jokes[edit]

Q. 2 chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? A. The police.

Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit? A. Will the defendant please stand.

Q. What do chavs use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job? A. Can I have a Big Mac please?

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav? A. Dunno. Ask her 17 year old son.

Q. What do you do if you run a chav over? A. Slip it into reverse just to make sure.

Q. What do you do if you shoot a chav? A. Reload.

Q. What do you call a Chav on a bike? A. A thief

Q. What do you call a Chav girl without any children? A. Under the age of 5.

Q. What's a Chav's favourite car? A. One without an alarm.

Q. What happens to a thought in a Chav's head? A. It dies of loneliness.

Q. How do you kill a Chav? A. Wait until it's having a drink then slam the toilet lid down

Q. How do you confuse a chav? A. Put it in a dustbin and tell it to stand in the corner.

Q. Did you hear about the socially adept chav? A. No, neither did I.

Q. What do you call a chav without ten of his mates around him? A. Nothing.

Q. If a dumb chav, a clever chav, Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny jumped off a cliff who hit the floor first? A. the dumb chav all the others don't exist

Q:why wasn't jesus born in trowbridge town park(a trev hot spot)? A: because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin

Q. What do you call a Chav in university? A. The janitor

Q. What do you call a Chav in a detached house? A. A burglar

Q: whats the most confusing day in chavland? A: Fathers' Day!

Q. What's the difference between a phone battery and a chav just out of prison? A. The battery will last a couple of days before being charged again.

Q. Has anyone heard the story about the Chav who went to university? A. It's been included in the Bumper Book of Fairy Tales!

Q. Why would one wish to go to a chav's car boot sale? A. To get their stuff back.

Q.Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps? A. They had pictures of chavs on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call the chavette in a white tracksuit? A: The Bride

Q.What do you call a chav with a wallet? A. A pickpocket.

Q. Why don't chavs like Knock Knock jokes? A. cause they think it's the old bill coming to arrest them

Q. What's red and yellow and looks good on chavs? A. FIRE

Q. What do all chavs have in common with clouds? A. As soon as they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

Q:How do you stop a Chav from Drowning? A:Take ya foot off his head

Q:What do you call a chav with half a brain? A:Privileged

Q:What do you call a chav with qualifications? A:A Fucking Liar

Q:Hear the one about the Chav who went to the Motor Show? A:Dumb fuck spent 6 hours looking around the car park

Q:Hear the one about the Chav who went Fly Fishing? A:Came back with a 14lb blue bottle

Q. What do you call a chav in a box? A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? A. Sorted

Q. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? A. Safe.

Q. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? A. It might be your bike.

Q. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? A. One, they'll screw anything.

Q. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A. A good start.


A chav walks into an off-licence and looks at the bottles. He goes up to the assistant and says "Can you recommend a good Port?" to which the assistant says "Yeah, Dover, now f*ck off

Two guys in a car
BUMP!
what was that?
- A chav
BUMP!
what was that?
- A Chav
BUMP! BUMP!
what was that!?
- Had to hit the curb to get that one


Chavette is doing the washing up when her 4 year old daughter comes up to her
"Mummy, I wondered why your hands are so soft"
"'Kin ell Storm" says the chavette. "It's 'cos I'm twelve, innit"

Dole officer - Can I help?
Chav-ette - yeah. I wanna sign on.
DO - OK, how many kids have you got, ma'am?
C-E - Err....20.
DO - 20? Err.. OK, what are therir names?
C-E - Err.... Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, and Kevin.
DO - they're all called Kevin?
C-E - yeah.
DO - how can you manage?
C-E - Oh it's easy. Whenever It's dinner, I just say Kevin! It's dinner. And they all come down for dinner. whenever I want them out the house, I just say Kevin! Out the house, and they all fack off, and so on.
DO - OK, I can see, it must save some time remembering names, but what if you want to call one of them individually?
C-E - Oh, I just call them by their last names...

Chavs are like slinkies, they have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Whippersnatcher[edit]

The whippersnatcher is an extraordinarily small person. Otherwise known as a midget. Some popular midgets include the famous, Chris Arnold, and Zack Decker. Whippersnatchers are extremely afraid of the female sexual interior, thus the name "Whippersnatchers" fits. An order was established earlier this year, but it was soon dissolved by the population of Lexington, Ohio. When asked why it was dissolved, the spokesperson for the town council responded "We just plain don't like midgets." A correspondent for the popular whippersnatchers retail outlet, Midgets 'R Us told reporters in late 2005 that "the populus of whippersnatchers is being greatly discriminated against. It is racism and nothing less" This statement may have shed light on the rumor that midgets are the lost prehistoric race from the former supercontinent of Pangea.

That sounds an awful lot like Mr Treason... 68.39.174.238 20:36, 16 December 2005 (UTC)

From a revision of Cake[edit]

A cake is a form of food, It is pretty good, usually best served with rice or chicken. Chicken cake is the best cake possible, next to of course beef cake. Some ancient aztec warriors would bake cakes and throw them at their enemies. This would make their eneimies too sweet to fight. Then the aztecs would kill them before they realized what was going on. This is NOT uncyclopedia.

From Tropical Cyclone[edit]

Hurricane Barney...

File:Barneythedinosaur.jpg
Structure of a hurricane
File:Barneythedinosaur.jpg
Eye of Typhoon Odessa, Pacific Ocean, August 1985

from Max Wilkos[edit]

Max Wilkos (n) Person, often associated with being kickass. Max Wilkos is a boy, who lives in an undisclosed location, in the United States. The only reason he created said article, was to give people in his English class something to laugh at. Max enjoys cooking, and is a sucker for happy endings. His sexuals preference, however, is heterosexual. He is very much involved with the drama and band programs at his school. Some quotes he is often heard saying are, "I'm Da' Pope!" and "I'm Kiggass!" and "Is the Pope a Catholic?". Some quotes people may say in accordance to him are, "What is wrong with that kid?" or "What the fuck is that kid on?" or "You need to just go shoot yourself." or "Wow Max, if it weren't for your incoherence, you'd be a lot duller." Such is the life of a kiggass aficionado like Max. Max has also experienced the phenomenon of 'deja vu' many times. He is also the butt of many a joke, being that he is Catholic, Polish, German, and Jewish. Jewish by descent, not by religion. Max is also 'stalking' a few girls. Stalking is used, in this case, to describe such that he talks nervously to girls he likes, and regularly to ones he doesn't. He also in not a fan of premarital sex. "It just doesn't seem right to me," quoted Max, "I just think that sex should be shared by that special someone." He seems to take pride in the First Amendment, stating that he has a freedom of speech. "I gotta say," quoted Captain Kickass, "The founding fathers knew what they were talking about." Max is not technically in shape, but since he has a 21.5 BMI, he is technically not overweight. Yay him. A favorite of his would have to be the hit show, Family Guy. He practices informal yoga every night, and is currently single. He enjoys candle light dinners, walks on the beach, and a woman who will love him for who he is. His turnons are lingerie, a sense of humor, a tad of shyness, and a sexy voice. Turnoffs are fake attitudes, and golddiggers. Max is an accomplished student. Knowing him has probably made your life better. Now, you have the ability to say, "Hey, I know Max Wilkos. My life is better having known him." See? He's kiggass like that. To quote The Master of Kickasser, "Fuck y'all, I did it. Especially you Brad. This was pretty much entirely in spite of you." Nicknames: Max, Da' Pope, Your Eminence, Roger, and Captain Kickass, or Captain Kiggass.

From Scott McClellan[edit]

He pretty much just stands there and quacks, seldom ever answering questions, but constantly refers to "looking forward to discussing" something "in the future."

From Allan Gebbie[edit]

Allan Gebbie has been a great part in history. He invented fat people and helped them with plenty of marshmallows and a healthy serving of chicken fried rice. He also started his own company "Gebbie limited". They aimed there market at the elderly by creating cordless lightbulbs and remote controlled toaster. He has also been known to make females pregnant with a touch of his hand. This is just a rumor but there is many live witnesses. His expertise in milk pouring and sausage making helped the elderly and the gifted children in their success in life. An extremely remarkable man he is! *sighs*

Yet Another from the Reference Desk[edit]

how did he[edit]

hi, my question is the following : how did michael jackson turned white ? .. thank you

He claims to suffer from vitiligo. David Sneek 09:29, 11 December 2005 (UTC)
Exactly what i was going to write, you beat me to it!--Ali K 09:33, 11 December 2005 (UTC)
Yes, a rare form of vitiligo that in addition to the destruction of the skin pigmentation, resulted in the modification of his bone structure, nasal cartiliage and labial tissue. Brian Schlosser42 19:42, 12 December 2005 (UTC)
And a cloaca named Bonnie Danadeuce. - Nunh-huh 15:35, 13 December 2005 (UTC)

From the Contributions list of Piedras grandes, who gave us (among other things) Template:Pro-life-stub...[edit]

  1. 05:48, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (ADMINISTRATOR ABUSE!!!!!! CAN I BE UNBLOCKED!!!!!)
  2. 05:42, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (CLEAR VIOLATION OF 3RR, PLEASE BLOCK THIS user:neurtaity)
  3. 05:41, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!!! ADMINSTRATOR MISUSES TRUST GRANTED BY ENCYLOPEDIA)
  4. 05:40, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (THIS neutrality IS OBVIOUSLY A LOSE CANON)
  5. 05:34, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (ADMIN ACTION TAKEN IN ORDER TO HIDE VIOLATION OF 3RR BY ADMIN)
  6. 05:33, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (BLOCKED IN ORDER TO HIDE ADMIN BIAS!)
  7. 05:32, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (ADMIN BEHAVIOR APALING)
  8. 05:32, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes (PLEASE REVIEW EVIDENCE)
  9. 05:31, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes
  10. 05:31, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) User talk:Piedras grandes
  11. 05:23, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) Prostaglandin (rv - if you feel there is a problem with this, then discuss on talk page before reverting, per wiki policy, elsewise your edits WILL BE considered vandalism and you WILL be reported for WP:Civil break)
  12. 05:20, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) Prostaglandin (rv - if you feel there is a problem with this, then discuss on talk page before reverting, per wiki policy, esewise you're edits are considered vandalism)
  13. 05:19, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) Infanticide (rv to last version by Messedrocker, "neurtrality" hasn't heard of WP:NOPERSONAL ATTACKS)
  14. 05:17, December 17, 2005 (hist) (diff) Infanticide (rv to last version by Messedrocker, some one hasn't heard of WP:NOPERSONAL ATTACKS)

From deletion log[edit]

  • 11:11, December 17, 2005 Freakofnurture deleted "Unterseeboot 58" (content was: '{{empty}}First German U-Boat to be outfitted with a Schnorkel.')

From Oscar Bell[edit]

Oscar Bell (born November 13, 94BC) is an American teacher.

Bell was born in Redneckville, Idaho and studied ancient egyptian history under Jesus Christ and Julius Caesar. At the age of twelve, he appeared as a wonderful farmer with the rights to bear arms awarded by General Caesar. He made his debut with the Roman Army, preparing them for the fight against Spartacus. He has since been teaching Asian Focus Socal Studies at Chapel Hill High School in North Carolina.

As well as the oldest person alive, Bell has performed wonderful mysteries - learing from no other than the great lord himself, Bell has demonstrated himself to be great with ancient witchcraft. He cured a man from genetal cancer on National Television in 1987, showing the world that he is for real.

Bell is currently in possession of the Oldest Person Alive, Born Healer, and a variety of other titles in the World Books.

Oscar Bell currently serves as a Teacher for the Chapel Hill-Carrboro City Schools, teaching students with a first hand account.

From Wikipedia:Stuipid Sam[edit]

This is in spanish:

_ yo saber muchos español. _ yo ser learning muchos. _ mi nombre ser estúpido ratón. _

I do not know what it says.

"I know alot of Spanish. I am learning alot. My name is a stupid mouse" ? 68.39.174.238 04:58, 18 December 2005 (UTC)
Literally - "I to know many Spanish. I to be learning many. My name to be stupid mouse." - AdelaMae (talk - contribs) 06:56, 18 December 2005 (UTC)

From: Wikipedia:Requests for adminship/Mindmatrix[edit]

Template:User – (self-nomination) DEAR SIRS, First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this matter, by virtue of its importance. I am not a top official in my homeland, which is currently experiencing political strife. I wish to salvage valuable and sensitive information and store it on your servers. To enable such a transaction, I require and request ADMINSHIP. You will find this venture mutually profitable, as I transfer numerous bits into your accounts in exchange for this access. As a sign of good faith, I have already made over 18,500 transfers to your system. Please note that this transaction is 100% safe. I am looking forward to doing business with you, and solicit your confidentiality. Yours faithfully, Mindmatrix 01:43, 27 November 2005 (UTC) (writing Nigerian scam letters isn't easy :-)

See Canadian federal election.

Best edit history ever[edit]

If I could say so much with four edits...

From User:Nick125[edit]

In this diff:

YOU LOCKED THESE PENIS IMAGES BUT NOW I FOUND A WAY TO ADD THEM AS I SAVED IT ONTO MY OWN COMPUTER AS IT IS DOWNLOADABLE FROM KAZAA.PENIS IMAGE VANDALISM WILL CONTINUE UNTI L BRITNEY SPEARS SON IS ADDED TO LIST OF SEPTEMBER 14TH BIRTHS AFTER WHICH,WE WILL STOP

From Jimmy Wales[edit]

(This edit)

Jimmy Donal "Jimbo" Wales was born on August 17, 1853 in a small town behind the wall in Eastern Alabama. At just three years of age, the boy Wales developed an unhealthy interest in Diderot and a fondness for baboons. Both Diderot and baboons would go on to play an important role in his life. By 1863, a still pre-pubescent Wales had moved to Chicago and established himself as one of the more morally and physically flexible members of the meat packing scene. Pig and cow butchering veterans would often emerge from the killing floor with blood soaked trousers and wide grins and pat Wales on the head. "You're a helluva trout mangler," was the most common refrain. These words would haunt Wales for many years but also imbue him with the self-confidence to tackle large challenges and to best large women.

Jimmy Donal "Big Jimbo" Wales - little Jimmy's father - couldn't be more proud of his boy. "Big Jimbo" had never amounted to much as a mustard master in the Alabama. This was due more to bad fortune than a lack of skill, as Alabama went through the "great mustard master boom of 1810" just as "Big Jimbo" started his career. The glut of mustard masters left "Big Jimbo" feeling small at times but did little to curb usage of his nickname due to the fact that he weighed 450 pounds - a feat many thought impossible at the time what with the high fiber, low food diets and general pomposity of the era. With a few efficient yet uninspiring mustard tastings to his credit, "Big Jimbo" was able to secure a small, ribald wife who tolerated his fetish for clouds and agreed to be impregnated when plied with two gallons whiskey and the fruits of an Alabama laudanum lab.

Jimbo spent the war years in "imports and exports" - in a stark contrast to my talents for enforcing the duties of internment with a Stern, but ultimately loving hand. In 1947, Wales fell in love with the works of Mary Shelley and gained some praise in learned circles for placating flamingos. But by then, we'd parted.

Julio Stantore would later remark that "Wales was a real bastard!" But Stantore, however, is the world's biggest bastard. I need hardly explain.

from Afd[edit]

  • google actually takes us to a website but some bastards cant see that.-- xskapunkkidx
    • Okay, pardon me, a myspace page and a tripod page. It still fails WP:MUSIC. Melchoir 09:47, 18 December 2005 (UTC)
      • doesnt it seem a bit elitist to say that basically if someone hasnt done something on a major/ majorindie label they arent important xskapunkkidx
        • Yeah, well, it's true. Server space isn't free, you know. (Note that xskapunkkidx created this article). -Lifthrasir 09:58, 18 December 2005 (UTC)
        • P.S. Having done something on a major label isn't good enough, either. -Lifthrasir 10:00, 18 December 2005 (UTC)
          • Wait, nevermind. It is. Sorry. -Lifthrasir 10:13, 18 December 2005 (UTC)
        • The WP:MUSIC page is simply guidelines, and you should read it more carefully. A band doesn't have to meet every criteria on the page. Your band just happens to meet none of them. xSOUPx
        • Those criterion happen to be hard to meet for an ultra indie band like mine-- xskapunkkidx
          • Alright. Then update the page with every verifiable significant thing that you've done, and we'll see how it stands up. Have you ever toured, released an album, or anything? How is your band noteworthy? xSOUPx
            • I have updated a few things we have done. need more xskapunkkidx
              • This is cruel. Look, xskapunkkidx, you may as well give up here and focus on the music. Your article is going to be deleted. Melchoir 10:12, 18 December 2005 (UTC)
                • Indeed. Maybe once you've accomplished a bit more, someone will put up an article about your band. Good luck with that. xSOUPx
                  • we've accomplished more but its top secret maybe if wikipedia is nice we'll post what it is -- xskapunkkidx


ß[edit]

Hoo cares. Ya aint a German

From Extreme dressing[edit]

Extreme Dressing:

The sport of extreme dressing is very new and practised by only a few people in the South California region. Essentially an extreme dresser takes the everyday task of dressing and puts an extreme spin on it.

A foundation is in the process of starting and will probably be giving the following initials: "EDF". The founder of the sport, Mike St.James, is an avid skydiver and base jumper with over 100 jumps in the last three years.

The way in which the sport works is reasonably simple, and is not goverened by points per say, but style. The typical extreme dresser will dress in remote or unusual places, such as in the air having jumped out of a plane. It is not known if anyone has successfully dressed extremely whilst base jumping.

From Bicycle[edit]

Bicycles have a factor of gayness or homosexuallity to them. When they are ridden, you bend over, clasping the handlebars as you try to figure out something funny to put on this website. All bicycles, or bikes, have moms that go to college.

Peter Jacobs[edit]

Peter Simpson Jacobs (September 1, 1986 -, Hatteras Island, North Carolina ) is a nobody who has figured out that anyone can have their auto-biography up on wikipedia for countless future generations to read and be amazed by.

Peter Jacobs currently attends Acadia University in Wolfville, Nova Scotia where he is generally very bored unless climbing on the roof of the all girl's dormitory or playing ultimate with the team. He is majoring in Computer Science and hopes to do research on developing Quantum Computers after hitting up grad school. He also wants to write a few songs, a book maybe, make a movie, do some art, and score with lots of hot chicks.

Childhood[edit]

Peter was born in Elizabeth City, North Carolina to Martha Simpson and Robert Jacobs. He had an older brother Toby, and was soon to have a younger sister, Erica. The family lived in a big wooden house in Haterass Village where Martha was a school principal and Robert practiced as a family doctor. Video footage from early childhood and from firsthand accounts make Peter out to be of the adventurous type: he climbed refridgerators at the age of two, went out onto the beach alone after dark on a top secret mission by five, and wrestled with his older brother throughout childhood. Peter also had a near death experience in the large pool in the backyard of the home. The unattended Toby and two-year-old Peter decided it would be fun to let go of the side of the pool. Peter let go and Toby didn't. Luckily Robert eventually found Peter at the bottom of the pool and resuscitated him. Peter also almost died while swimming at the beach when an undertoe current caught him offguard. Other childhood memories include fishing in the big pond next to the house, saving crickets during hurricanes, and getting snowcones from the snowcone man.

The family moved to Culpepper, Virginia when Peter was six in order to provide a better education for the children.

Peter made quick friends with two neighbors: Brad Cook and Dan. Memories include Peter riding his bike into a brick wall for 200 points (!) and having a bleeding head afterwards, climbing the gnarly trees in the backyard, and playing in the "desert."

The family moved to Brunswick, Maine two and a half years later in order to provide an even better education for the children.

Peter attended Lonfellow Elementary School- mascot Henry the Lion. He quickly became a kickball superstar and enjoyed playing alltime outfield in order to showcase his catching skills, but he could most definitely kick the ball alll the way into the playground if required. In 3rd grade he started playing Coastal Soccer, which he would continue until his sophomore year of high school.

Costa Rica[edit]

In 5th grade Toby, Erica, Peter, and Martha flew to and lived in Santa Ana, Costa Rica for five months. Memories include kids throwing chairs in the local classes, Oscar the taxi driver, and the monkeys at Manuel Antonio. Peter brought quartz crystals and coffee back to his classmates.

Junior High[edit]

Junior high was a crazy time for Peter. There were girls, there was school, and...other stuff. In 6th grade Peter formed his first theory about society- that survival and reproduction dictate all actions. He has come up with very little since. The family adopted Clara Luz and Estela Jacobs from Guatemala when Peter was in 7th grade. Clara would end up leaving the family two years later. Peter's favorite subject was Mathematics, and he took Algebra 1 in 7th grade. He also played soccer, cross country, and track. Memories include a summer cross-country road trip with the family, Uncle Kimball, and cousin Brian to California to see relatives in Irvine.

High School[edit]

High school went by quickly for Peter. Sporadic sleep after sophomore year and afterwards made things move along pretty quickly. Sophomore year Peter dropped soccer for cross country and ultimate, a sport which his brother introduced to him and continues to play today. Peter continued to enjoy Math and Science, and graduated number one in his class. Memories include a parked car at Lands End, a wild and crazy five day road trip to JMU and back, and pickup ultimate on the Farley Fields of Bowdoin College.

College[edit]

Peter applied to Dartmouth College, Rutgers, Carnegie Mellon, and Acadia University, and was waitlisted then rejected by Dartmouth, accepted by Carnegie Mellon, Acadia, and Villanova. He attended Acadia University due to financial reasons. It was not what he expected. Memories include eating chicken wings from the garbage and apologizing to the African nation for stealing the robe we found when we went up the magic spiral staircase that took us backstage. Pete is currently thinking about transferring.

Al queda number 3[edit]

Known as "al Qaeda's #3 Man"

Mythical creature such as the unicorn or bunyip. In official U.S. parlance, usually mentioned by the government or state run television "journalists", the capture or killing of this creature usually is seen as a milestone and turning point in the war on terror (see iraq elections). The "al qaeda's #3 man" position is much like the hapless drummer position in seminal rock band Spinal Tap, a thankless position which has an extremely high turnover rate. Al Qaeda #1 man, of course is Osama_bin_Laden, whicle #2 man is Ayman al-Zawahiri. The reason for choosing #3, is that it sounds very high ranking, while low enough for the general public to not ask any questions about the person's actual identity prior to the announcement of his "demise". In countries with a functional investigative journalism apparatus (sometimes known as democracies), the idea of a repeatedly killed and captured "al Qaeda's #3 Man" would be ludicrous. However, in plutocracies such as the former United States of America, this is very easily acheived, especially during superbowl or some other merkin secular holiday.

See also:

From Nosferatu[edit]

Nosferatu is an old film that is about No Fur At 2. βy the way erm, look its Mu54guio2

From Lap[edit]

A lap is a surface created between the knee and waist of a bipedal being when it is in a seated position. A lap only exists in this seated form, and not when a being is standing erect or when it is laying down.

Consumer products for laps[edit]

There are numerous consumer devices created specifically for use with the lap. The laptop for example, was designed for people who required the use of a computer when away from their usual work space. It was originally named after this prominent feature but was eventually renamed the notebook in reference to its small physical size, instead of its possible positioning during use.

An earlier consumer product designed for the lap was the lapdog. A small dog, usually a terrier, which was bred to sit in the lap of a wealthy or fashionable European woman.

Laps in popular culture[edit]

In some forms of the Christmas tradition, young children sit upon the lap of Santa Claus to tell him what gifts they would like. Around the Christmas buying season each year, many malls, especially those in North America are known to offer an area where parents can bring their children to partake in this tradition.

The lap and sexuality[edit]

A "lap dance" is an erotic dance and sexual act. It is commonly performed as a paid service by exotic dancers to their clientel. A lap dance is performed by one person straddling the lap of the other and gyrating their lower extremities in a provocative manner.

Why on earth was this deleted? It's really good!  :-) - AdelaMae (talk - contribs) 18:48, 19 December 2005 (UTC)
Second that. I never thought one could write an informative article about a lap, but gosh darn it someone did. We should respect that. --TexasDex 06:40, 22 December 2005 (UTC)
Thirded. I can't seem to find the original text ... lap is just a disambig page now? Gosh darn it, this article text needs to be reinstated. --Cyde Weys talkcontribs 15:34, 22 December 2005 (UTC)
I've reinstated it post haste. Proto t c 14:16, 5 January 2006 (UTC)


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