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If you wish to put in new Wikipedia Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense, you may do so at 67 Deletion Summer of Love. But PLEASE cite your sources!

This page is full. If you wish to add a new Bad Joke or Other Deleted Nonsense, feel free to do so at our newest page, 67 Deletion Summer of Love.

Reference to the cleanup warning.

Contents

Lowercase punishment[edit]

Merge-arrows.gif
It has been suggested that :Capital punishment be merged with Lowercase punishment. (Discuss)

Elephant Thursday[edit]

See also Waffle Wednesday

An image depicting various Elephant Thursday rituals.
Elephant Thursday is the official name of every Thursday. The day is celebrated by the mandatory greeting of "Happy Elephant Thursday" to everyone and guarantees a great reward to those who strive to further extend the happiness that comes with the great day of Elephant Thursday. Those who properly celebrate and promulgate the day's greatness will be rewarded with laser vision, free eye surgery, and will be further expected to shoot planes out of the sky. Elephant Thursday's greatness transcends that of God himself. So it was said in the Bible: "And the Lord sayeth, 'Elephant Thursday is teh shizznit, bitches and hoes.' (Babar 3:13-4)"

from Korean Wikipedia[edit]

April Fools[edit]

A cartoon drawing hides behind the Wikipedia logo. This is an apparent April Fools gag. The drawing in question has been highlighted in red to immediately give it away.

For April Fools, on April 1, 2006, the Korean Wikipedia placed a cartoon drawing, apparently of a Mynci from Neopets, behind the Wikipedia logo. This is only viewable from Mozilla Firefox; those using Internet Explorer won't be able to see it.

Jimbo Whale[edit]

The Jimbo Whale incident is one of Wikipedia's more notable and bizarre cases of Wikistalking, apparently involving speciesism, real-world threats, and Wikipedia's founder.

Wikipedia founder Jimmy "Jimbo" Wales and the Humpback Whale which is stalking him, in Frankfurt Germany.

Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales has been involved in a number of philanthropic projects, including having funded a research project at the University of Central Lancashire on the feasibility of reintroducing Grey Whales into the Atlantic Ocean (see Reintroducing Grey Whales to Atlantic). There had historically been a large Grey Whale population in the Atlantic, but it was hunted to extinction around 1700.

Jonas Whumble, a researcher in the Bahamas who is affiliated with The Dolphin Communications Project, has for some years claimed to be able to communicate simple English text to a school of Atlantic Spotted Dolphins in the Bimini region using a special underwater lightboard. The school of dolphins was unusual in that it also was observed having regular social interactions with a group of Humpback Whales who also summer near the Bahamas.

The sequence of events in the Jimbo Whale incident seems to have begun when Whumble communicated the proposal to reintroduce Grey Whales into the Altantic to the school of dolphins that he is working with. Whumble reported that the dolphins became extremely agitated and left the area of the research facility shortly after the message was sent.

Approximately one week later, on April 1, 2005, a tourboat containing Jimmy Wales and roughly fifty other vacationers was attacked by a Humpback Whale on the Main river in Frankfurt, Germany. This was a unique ocurrance; Humpback whales have not been observed that far up a freshwater river in the past, though they have been observed to travel up rivers and into bays (see Humphrey).

The tourboat was slightly damaged but no injuries ocurred. The whale had been observed in the river about an hour prior to the attack and was serendipitously photographed along with Jimmy Wales by a Wikipedia editor.

Jimmy Wales has publically stated that he has avoided large bodies of water for the last year.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Some bollocks from Dancing in the Dark[edit]

In philosophy, "dancing in the dark" refers to any situational optimism, albeit leavened by physically-construed events, that is self-referentially seen as a way for the Id to manifest itself.

Suicide attacks[edit]

Someone apparently doesn't know what constitutes a successful suicide bombing

It is believed that Reid got his idea for the shoe-bomb from terrorist David Knox, the only person known to have successfully completed two suicide bombings.

from Emo[edit]

Others belive the emo trend began in Germany in the1930s. It is sais to have been spear headed by Nazi leader Adolf Hitler with his black haired fringe, bad facial hair, flamboyant emotions and insistance that everybody dressed the same.

Hilarious.--Clyde Miller 18:05, 2 April 2006 (UTC)


The Deadlines[edit]

(Although the article itself isn't really more encyclopaedic...Natgoo 12:35, 3 April 2006 (UTC))

In the style of the now ubiquitous VH1 television program, Where Are They Now?

The Deadlines, as you most likely know them, lustily gulped penis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penispenis penis penis penis their first breath in 1998, when Shaun Sundholm along with drummer Jeremy Abbott, began to seriously consider starting a more serious band after years of jamming and goofing off with multiple iterations of the same three chord punk band. In the beginning the band started to take shape with a classic British inspired yet decidedly American sound accompanied by the name "the Pinheads" in late 1996. Jared Beddingfield was on bass, Sundholm was playing singing & playing guitar and Abbott mercilessly pounded the drums. The band gained its original name after Sundholm remarked at practice one night, that his Dad had called him a "pinhead" earlier that week and he thought it might be a good band name. Playing off the Ramones capitalization of the cult film hero "Pinheads" with their "gabba-gabba-hey, gabba-gabba-ho" refrain, the band dove in and attempted to reinvent punk rock at least one more time. The Pinheads played two lackluster punk rock shows and broke up mid '96. Jeremy and Shaun kept playing together and eventually changed their name to the Oblivious Kids when they added Brian Jones, Shaun's fiancé's brother at the time, on bass. The band recorded a 4 song demo cassette and played a handful of shows during late 1997. Including, but not limited to, playing the podunk St. Joseph's Day's Festival in podunk Enterprise, OR and various dates among far-reaching coastal and oft skipped over Northwest towns. Sometime in 1998 the band began taking on a darker, decidedly more horror-punk sound, infinitely more akin to the Damned and the Misfits than the previous classic pop-punky sounds of yore. With this change in sound, a name change was in order and the Deadlines were born.

The first lineup consisted of Sundholm, whose then-stage name was Shaun Coffin, on vocals and guitar; Jeremy Abbott, who went by Jerry Attrick, on drums and Brian "Spencer Spooks" Jones replacing the departed Beddingfield on Bass. The newly re-christened Deadlines began playing shows in the Portland area and soon caught the eye of a local start-up record label, Royal Star Music along with Knappa, OR native Sam Weisenan. Not long after Sam joined the band, as Sammy Lugosi, they were in a make-shift basement studio recording their first album for the fledgling label. After recording and releasing the oft-overlooked, shoddily produced album, the band began playing more and more shows, attracting the attention of fellow Knappa Finn, Brent Salo, who quickly signed on to play keyboards under the guise of The Creature From the Brent Lagoon. Not three months later and the band was scheduled to play the growing Christian indie festival "TomFest" and were attracting the attention of several more well established independent record labels.

After rehearsing for months, The Deadlines unleashed their fiery, blood-soaked live show on an unsuspecting TomFest crowd consisting of church kids and mxpx-loving pseudo new-school punk rockers. The first major production included knife juggling, blood spitting, audience plants being stabbed and flailing to the floor, only to lay there in the middle of crowd for the remainder of the set, while sundholm and crew flew about the stage at an almost epileptic pace. Meanwhile, the set ended to a mix of simultaneously dropped jaws and raucous applause, including audience members chanting "Someone sign these guys."

In a span of what seemed like minutes, the Deadlines were offered a recording contract by Tooth & Nail records. Not being a "christian" band in any sort of the traditional sense brought about debates of being labeled a "christian" band versus the supposed freedom and promotion a soul sucking record label would bring the outfit. Less than a month later the band had made up its collective mind and were in the posh Robert Lang studios, in Seattle, recording their debut album The Death and Life of... for everyone's favorite christ-ipendant label, Tooth & Nail. Stresses of the studio and a widening age gap forced Brain "Spencer Spooks" Jones out of the band before recording was finished, making room for Thomas Demise, who joined before the release of the album, therefore cementing his status as bass player on the full length. A virginal excitement paired and an ever widening circumference of exciting, sometimes frightening, Northwest tour dates, the band began to make waves both local and national.

From The Avari[edit]

Notable section of a non-notable article about an otherwise non-notable Belfast band:

Trivia[edit]

  • Bassist Niall Doherty has never seen an episode of Airwolf.
  • Colm McFadden is the cousin of ex-Westlife member Brian McFadden. Colm has even made a cameo appearance in their video for 'Bop Bop Baby'. Despite his cousin's departure from the band in 2004 Colm remains good friends with the rest of the members, especially Kian.
  • It has been rumoured that the band are set to record a cover of Paula Abdul's 1989 hit Opposites Attract. Although the band have not confirmed or denied the rumour, Niall Doherty has said he feels MC Skat Kat is the greatest musical genius of the 20th century and includes the rapping feline in his list of 'People I'd like to spend a week in Raphoe with'.
  • Colm McFadden, on temporary hiatus from the band, has been incorrectly reported as being in Iran on several occasion by local press. As of February 2006, his exact whereabouts were unknown, but he is rumoured to be making a return to the band in March 2006.
  • Despite rumours to the contrary, the band took a neutral stand on the 2002/2003 Firemen's Strike, citing a strong fear of being burnt alive. Its also rumoured that this fear stemmed from a narcotic fuelled hallucinagenic viewing of the final scene of the film The Wicker Man, the preceding 100 minutes of this 102 minute classic film remaining unviewed by the band members.


From Great Wall of China[edit]

The great wall of china was invented by an american in 1983 who went by the name of dumbledore. This dumbledore was a good kid to b round because he knew the streets better than anyoneelse. The problem was dumbledore had 6 friends and becasue of that was unable to walk more that 42 kilometers in one hour. see what happend was an acient crusade from the middle of russia decided tht they were going to attack the great avengers. Dumbledore and his clan of wolf beast (half wolf half beast) had no hope in destroying the mortal race of equidore. the greatwall of china is silly because of dumble dores mother.

From Talk:Erection[edit]

I clicked on the "larger version" link under the photo but it is the same penis... Someone should look into that pronto.


From "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"[edit]

Day 6 On this day, the last threads of possible reality are flushed away as the caterpillar devours its way through every known form of confectionery. This is questionable on multiple fronts, such as:

How does a simple invertebrate grub acquire the money needed to buy such large amounts of food? Does she steal it? If so, how? In a similar fashion to chapter 3, how does a caterpillar ingest all these foods? We shall never know.

From User talk:Naconkantari[edit]

What did I do? Ad it al 01:17, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

William Cleary perhaps? Naconkantari e|t||c|m 01:18, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

? Ad it al 01:21, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

01:16, 16 March 2006 Sango123 deleted "William Cleary" (content was: 'An asshole.' (and the only contributor was 'Ad it al')). Don't do it again, or you will be blocked from editing. Naconkantari e|t||c|m 01:22, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

I don't understand. Ad it al 01:23, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

You created an article, William Cleary, and called him an asshole. I don't see how I can make this any clearer. Naconkantari e|t||c|m 01:24, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

My cousin said I could use his computer. Now you're blocking it? Ad it al 01:25, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

Hello? Ad it al 01:30, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

What is blocked? He can't use the internet? He'll be home soon. Ad it al 01:33, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

What is blocked?! Please! Ad it al 01:36, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

Nothing is blocked. If you continue to vandalise Wikipedia, you will be blocked from editing. Naconkantari e|t||c|m 01:36, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

So, he can still use the internet? Ad it al 01:38, 16 March 2006 (UTC) If I'm blocked, is he blocked?

THIS IS NOT VANDALISM, ITS CREATIVE EXPRESSION!!!!!!!!!

He'll be so mad if he's blocked, considreign who he is. Ad it al 01:44, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

He's hom,e hes home, unblock him unblovk him! Ad it al 01:47, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

Whyd I use the copmuter????? 01:44, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

Please stop adding nonsense to my talk page. If you continue to do so, you will be blocked from editing Wikipedia. Naconkantari e|t||c|m 01:48, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

But he's gonna be mad if he's blocked! I'm already hiding in the bathroom! Ad it al 01:49, 16 March 2006 (UTC)

Two nonsense pages in rapid sucession[edit]

From The Micro Sandwich Teleportation Equation[edit]

Created in the early 1970's, the Micro Sandwich Teleportaion Equation was and still is used to predict the date of the next terrorist attack. It is a simple equation derivated from advanced Calculus and from passage in the Koran. Shawn Katz is responsible for the equation.

The formula is as follows. (number of terrorists) X (number of bombs) - (how many states voted Republican in the last Presidential election) = Days until next terrorist attack.

If you divide this number by 2, u get the area of attack.

From William V[edit]

William King of Losers was born on the 16th May 354BC. He was a nice man in his early years, but later founded the Loser's Club due to his depressive issues. From him came the insult of being a Loser.

From WP:RD/S[edit]

When I was a kid I read the following (paraphrased) puzzle in a book:

A man wants to cross a bridge that can support 10 lbs. more than he weighs. He is carrying (3) balls that weigh 5 lbs. each. How can he cross the bridge without collapsing it?

The answer was to juggle the balls as he crosses the bridge. Ostensibly he would be carrying only (2) balls at a time, as one would always be in the air. However, the force necessary to toss the third ball into the air would create additional downward force that I believe would be enough to collapse the bridge. Does it matter to the bridge that the balls are being juggled?


hrmm, you also have to think when he catches a five pound ball (5 pound balls seem like a lot to juggle btw) its going to produce a force stronger than 5 pounds from it falling a distance of 1-2 feet or so. i think for this to even consider to be workable hes going to have to have a maximum of 1 ball on him at any given time modesty 16:26, 3 April 2006 (UTC)
Why doesn't he just cross the bridge with two balls, go back and get the third one? User:Zoe|(talk) 16:33, 3 April 2006 (UTC)
Because monkeys will steal the third ball if he leaves it behind?
lol yea, and really if the bridge can only support EXACTLY 10 pounds over his weight, will it break if he steps too hard? the whole question is dumb i dont think weight limits work that way modesty 18:08, 3 April 2006 (UTC)

1) Kill all the monkeys on this side of the bridge.

2) Cross the bridge without your balls.

3) Kill all the monkeys on the other side of the bridge.

4) Go back over the bridge.

5) Toss your balls over.

6) Cross the bridge yourself and reward yourself with a nice monkey brain stew. StuRat 18:30, 3 April 2006 (UTC)

Think of holding a single ball as accelating it at 1 g. To throw the ball the max acceleration w/o exceeding the limit of the bridge would be 2g. Say you take 1 second to throw the ball. That's 2g of acceleration for 1s, 1s for the ball to reach it's apex, 1s to fall back to your hand and 1s to decelerate the ball at 2g. Two seconds required to throw and catch gains you two seconds of flight time for the ball.
To get across, raise the side of the bridge you are on, using rocks, dead monkeys etc., then roll across (see inclined plane.) EricR 20:03, 3 April 2006 (UTC)
So essentially its Myth:busted on the fact that you cannot gain any legitmate force-over-time by juggling (other than the delight of onlookers). I agree that the premise is preposterous in a real world setting amyway since forces from footsteps, wind, evil monkeys, etc would combine and create a great likelihood that the bridge will fall regardless of your juggling antics. --Jmeden2000 20:36, 3 April 2006 (UTC)

The English class is not exhalent (sic)[edit]

From Massanutten Governor's School for Integrated Environmental Science and Technology:

Massanutten regional Governor's School for Integrated Environmental Science and Technology has no technology class. It also fails to integrate science. It does integrate English and agriculture. The science class is above average but will change. The math class is exhalent. The agriculture class is demeaning and the English class is the worst I have ever seen.

I guess I believe that the English class is pretty bad, considering the butchered spelling of "excellent".

Where the heck is Massanutten?--Adam (talk) 21:59, 5 April 2006 (UTC)
You think you're school's bad? MY GYM PARTNER'S A MONKEY! Well, not really, but you get the point. User:KinseyLOL
You should see my social studies class. Or, better, you should have seen it sometime before March, recently it's been starting to faintly resemble a normal class. Clarinetplayer 03:48, 11 April 2006 (UTC)

From vandal Oldfacedandre[edit]

All seven edits in history are vandalism, but some are funny enough to preserve ...'

Arch Deluxe[edit]

When studies showed that their first set of advertising was unsuccessful, and was possibly even hurting their existing branding, they switched to a more conventional McDonald's-style commercial, featuring Ronald McDonald doing adult activities, such as playing golf or receiving a colonoscopy.

Blue's Clues[edit]

More controversy was to be had when the show made an attempt at heavier material, inviting Jason Robards to appear as a special guest star in 1998 in an episode titled "My alcoholic grandpa."

Poop universe[edit]

On the theory and origin of the Grand Unified Megaverse Theory on the basis of the origin and theories of the megaverse and the theories of origination within the theory of the Grand Unified Megaverse Theory and its corresponding theories of origination.


Up to this point in history of cosmological theory, theorists have been unable to come to a consensus on the boundaries of our boundless universe which has no bound but must eventually end under the assumption that something that has no boundary must end at a boundary . On this note, our universe is actually one of many universes. Our universe, submegaverse 819.b is one of over 1,000 universes in the grand megaverse. Submegaverse 819.b is found on the lower side of the 4th quadrant of the east arm of the west Newtonian universes with respect to the Einstein longitudinal sub-straind. It is made up mostly of the elements found in our periodic table and is flat in the geometric nature of its natural geometry. Submegaverse 819.b is bordered on all sides by submegaverses 921, 922.c, and 12.xcosh(e76). The five universe types discovered in recent fake research include: matter, matter-antimatter, virtual, poop, and quasimatterantimattervirtual. The first type, the matter universe, is a model similar to our own universe in the fact that our own universe is similar to the model of the matter universe. It is composed of the same elements as our own universe and has flat geometry with a hyperbolically spherical cross-sectional area. The fate of a matter universe is to expand forever until reaching the boundary of another universe. Depending on the contents of the local universe, a matter universe will either bounce back in a slow compression towards a big crunch or be annihilated by a local antimatter universe. Either result is positive for the inhabitants of a matter universe who will end up infinitely crushed inside a singularity. The second universe type, the matter-antimatter universe, is composed of equal amounts of matter and antimatter particles and is hexagonal-spherical-dodecahedronal in geometry. The fate of this universe ranges from temporary meaningless existence to complete annihilation. Most modern cosmologists commonly refer to the matter-antimatter universe as a “we’re- completely-fucked” universe. The lifespan of a matter-antimatter universe is usually just enough time for the development and destruction of intelligent life and early civilization. Physicist Albert Einstein predicted matter-antimatter universes: “If the universe were a kickball game, matter-antimatter universes would get picked last.” Sir Isaac Newton, resurrected from the grave, added “Damn right, son”. The third type of universe, the virtual universe, is made of entirely of virtual particles. The geometry of these universes is undetermined, but the most recent observation using spectral spectrograph spectrography with spectrographic spectrogram technology describes the shape to be that of the Simpsons character “Mr. Burns”. Particles in a virtual universe do not exist long enough to sustain life forms. The fate of a virtual universe is to exist and not exist simultaneously under the simultaneity of relativity and geometry of Minkowskian space-ghost time. The fourth and most common type of universe is the poop universe. These universes are a largely unexplained phenomenon and are composed of one major element material: feces. This wonder of science is the basis of the poop universe. The poop universe largely consists of large planet bodies or “shitcans”. The gravitational force is exponentially increased in the poop universe and as a result, higher altitudes on poop planet structures have more intense poop smells than lower altitudes due to the effect of increased gravitational aging. The most stable of all universes, the poop universe will undoubtedly remain after the collapse of all other universe types . The final universe type, the quasimatterantimattervirtual universe, is a matter universe inhabited by the young girls between the ages of 13 and 13. The statistical values of this can be found in figure 1.69. Little is known about the quasimatterantimattervirtual universe, but future research is planned. In conclusion there are five universe types within the megaverse. Each submegaverse is a submegaverse of the megaverse and the megaverse is made up of submegaverses each which in and of itself is a submegaverse which is in and of itself a part of the greater megaverse.

From a hoax article[edit]

R----- G---- was born June 14, 1988 in Boston, MA. R----- is the last person on the universe without a Myspace.com account. She was killed in her sleep by D--- K--- for pulling a stupid April fools joke.

From Talk:2005 Atlantic hurricane season[edit]

The talk page for 2005 Atlantic hurricane season suffers from an overabundance of boxes. While they have a right to live, it might be a good idea not to feed them, as boxes can become very reproductive in a favorable environment.

You don't love boxes, NSLE, do you?

From Chickens 711[edit]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Lets find out. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that Chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jessica Simpson 's Answer:

Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Homer Simpson 's Answer:

There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Snoop Dogg 's Answer:

This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'. Isaac Newton 's Answer: The duck suggested to the chicken that they play follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .

Gandhi 's Answer:

All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

To die. Alone. In the rain. -- Ernest Hemingway.

From René Magritte[edit]

<!--This is not vandalism-->

From Fabababa[edit]

Fabababa is a word that i just made up. Because i just made it up, it is a word and belongs in the encyclopedia. If it is in here then it becomes more well known, and then it will really be recognized. so basically, if you guys leave fabababa in wikipedia for a couple days/weeks/months/years then it will become a full fledged term and will truely belong in the encyclopedia.

Fabababa is slang for fabric. people may say "that fabababa was sooo itchy."

From Wikipedia:Administrators' noticeboard/IncidentArchive12[edit]

User:Anthony DiPierro[edit]

User:Anthony DiPierro is deleting his comments from Wikipedia talk:Requests for adminship/Archive 16. Is this sort of thing kosher? I thought archives were supposed to be preserved, not edited. --Calton | Talk 14:29, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)

He's also tagging everything as a minor change, and leaving no edit summary. I furthermore see that he's going all over, and removing his posts from many different talk pages. What gives? Noel (talk) 15:56, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)
The minor changes are a quirk of how he licenses - his minor changes are public domain, and so he uses minor change differently from most people. As for the rest, in this case, I'm inclined to give it a pass, because there's an arbcom ruling that's one vote away from passing that would remove his ability to edit any plages in the Wikipedia namespace, and it's currently unclear whether this limits talk pages. To this end, he's trying to remove opinions and votes that he can no longer meaningfully change his mind on. That said, I'd prefer he strike out instead of remove. Snowspinner 16:03, Mar 20, 2005 (UTC)
Exactly. If he wants to strike out his votes, that's fine. But he's doing a lot more than that, he's removing entire comments from the record, e.g. this deletion. He's also removing timestamps from some comments, but leaving the comments - why, I can't imagine, unless he wants to make it harder to find where he added the comment in the history. Noel (talk) 16:16, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)
It gets better. He's now claiming that the Wikipedia's GFDL is invalid. (Hmm, someone better let the Wikimedia board in on this - they're comitting a massive copyright violation, if so.) Noel (talk) 16:37, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)
I never said the GFDL is invalid. What I said was that the GFDL is not being followed. I believe the board is already aware of this. anthony 警告 17:12, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)
Any and all edits you do are licenced under the GFDL, and there's a big bolded message notifying you of this in each edit screen. Once you've submitting, you can't delete things, whether they are votes or article edits. I think we should take a good look at this. Mgm|(talk) 16:53, Mar 20, 2005 (UTC)
I'm not aware of any rule against refactoring or deleting comments which you have made. Perhaps you should start an RfC to see if there is consensus for such a rule. anthony 警告 17:13, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)
He can delete them all he wants, but since his edits are covered by the GFDL (or possibly public domain), anybody can revert them. --Carnildo 21:44, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)

Not wanting to get involved and not knowing the backstory but this all seems a bit daft to me. violet/riga (t) 17:50, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)

There has been a longstanding policy of maintaining history. We don't delete failed RFC's, for example. Not only is the removal of Anthony's comments making the replies of others nonsensical, but he's deleting his votes in polls, which will make future lookups of these historical articles meaningless, and people in the future will wonder how the votes were decided, if voters are allowed to remove their votes. RickK 23:31, Mar 20, 2005 (UTC)

Longstanding policy? Isn't Wikipedia:Refactoring longstanding policy? anthony 警告 23:49, 20 Mar 2005 (UTC)
Second sentence of Wikipedia:Refactoring: "The aim of refactoring Wikipedia talk pages is to make past discussions more accessible, readable and useful." Deleting your comments and votes accomplishes none of this. --Carnildo 00:10, 21 Mar 2005 (UTC)

Look, I don't want to get involved here, but jeez just clam down yo! Singjo Panraabi 00:14, 21 Mar 2005 (UTC)

  • Um, what? Who are you telling to "clam down"? RickK 00:24, Mar 21, 2005 (UTC)
Actually, he meant clamming around. - Ta bu shi da yu 07:55, 21 Mar 2005 (UTC)
Snort. RickK 07:59, Mar 21, 2005 (UTC)
Oh, dear. That was just awful. – ClockworkSoul 14:03, 21 Mar 2005 (UTC)
Neither the Universe nor the Clams do revolve around $ANYBODY. With each edit you make, ask yourself, is it in any way helpful for Wikipedia. If it isn't, don't bother making it. In my view, going around and changing archived votes clearly isn't helpful. dab () 15:19, 21 Mar 2005 (UTC)
What are you talking about ???' Singjo Panraabi 01:56, 22 Mar 2005 (UTC)
I think what he's trying to get at that you try and calm down. I find your comments extremely cultrally insensitive. I thought wikipedia was a family.. not a group of hate crimes. Ask your self rick, where is the love? Singjo is a person to! Wikiphreak 01:59, 22 Mar 2005 (UTV)
Uh, what? I;m thoroughly confused. RickK 05:45, Mar 22, 2005 (UTC)

From Eleventh[edit]

The sexual undertones of such a chord can be traced back to the mid-seventeenth century, when C.P.E. Bach first used them in his Solfieggietto. It is a little known fact that he used the song to lure young girls into his living room, seducing them into fellatio. Since then the 11th chord has been known to stimulate such responses involuntarily. This may be caused by what is known as phase cancellation, an auditory term used to describe when frequency phases occur one half the distance from eachother, resulting in total silence. This phase cancellation occurs exactly one half the frequency that the nerves vibrate at when sexually aroused, thus causing the aphrodisiacal reaction in men and women alike.

Giant IPod and/or Alien Life[edit]

A user by the lovely name of "Shitmaster 5" refers us to this link: [1] (Safe for Work: it's just a cool-looking bug in the google satellite feed)--M@rēino 15:38, 7 April 2006 (UTC)

RANDOMIZER[edit]

RANDOMIZER. (JOHN HEMING)

Due to the fact nobody has shown me this before and I cannot find anything about it on the net i'm asuming that this particular scientific drink is not copied from somebody and has indeed been invented... albeit the posibilty that it has I personally haven't seen or experienced anything like it.

RANDOMIZER is a purpose built piss up device that is sure to bring you and your mates closer together and for this reason if your a loner/loser/lame ass should cease reading and play go find your hardcore sweatband, just don't bother as you'l probably need some help from a "friend". The drink is constructed as detailed below.

Items required.

  • SOME FRIENDS
  • PLENTY OF 250ML ALCHOPOPS PREFERABLY NOT FIZZY (wkd is not very fizzy so it'l do fine)
  • A pint glass for each person having a RANDOMIZER about half filled with a similair drink
  • And some straws long enough to poke out of the pint glass
  • Some cloths or kitchen towel

Construction.

  • place a half filled pint with straw inside infront of you on a table with kitchen towel ready
  • Hold one bottle of opened alchopop (we'll say wkd)
  • Get your mate/s to hold the other two opened wkd's
  • Get your straw ready to start sucking (this prevents overflowing foam)
  • Count down to 3, 2, 1 ..go' and turn the bottle necks into the pint glass
  • asuming you've got this far you almost done:P
  • Start sucking like crazy if you think the contents will over flow and stop when it stops
  • Now sit back whipe any spills and appreciate the glory that is the RANDOMIZER

but the fun isn't over, let me just explain whats happened here

You turned all three 250ml bottles into a pint glass, it doesn't take a genius to know that the volume of liquid should out size the capacity of the pint glass, but due to pressure ratios and lack of power from our friend gravity the volume and pressure inside the glass stops all the liquid from flowing down and out of the pint glass. So now we have three bottles and a full pint, and liquid probably about half full in each bottle all that is left now is to drink, notice that as you do the level inside the pint glass goes down very slowly whilst only one bottle selected at random by how high the opening of the bottle is in relation to the level of liquid left. one will start to bubble and empty then as you drink more watch for another one of your bottles to bubble and begin to empty. soon you'l have none left and be demanding another.

I must make sure I write the last bit. I did not invent the randomizer I do however reccomend you try it (and that i go for more spelling tests) I have been informed by the people who showed me, that the person who created this is called

JOHN HEMING!!!

Dylanism[edit]

DYLANISM AND ITS ROOTS[edit]

Dylanism was formed in the 60s by Bob Dylan fans. They believe, basically, that Bob Dylan sacraficed his life for our sins. No, he is not dead, but he spends his life writing and playing songs for our entertainment. After he sent Jesus down, he was blatantly disappointed in his son's lack of musical talent. In the Bible Jesus is quoted as saying, "Who the fuck is Mr. Tambourine Man, Dad? I just can't live up to your expectations." In which Dylan(God) replied "Jesus Christ! Do you even know what a guitar is?" Bob Dylan is referred to as "God," "The Bob Spirit," "Lord Dylan," and by his close friends and family, "Bobby".

After an assassin was sent by the government to kill all Dylanists (Protest songs set them off), the Dylanists went into hiding. George W. Bush was the latest president to threaten the secret society. Intelligence said they were hiding in Iraq, when in reality it was just trickery by the cunning Dylan fans. Furiously, Bush unleashed rapper Kanye West to torment the fans with crap, forcing them to cut off friendships with people who like Kanye. West, realizing that people may find out about his participation in the attack on Dylanists, issues the statement, "George Bush Does Not Care About Black People." This was meant to throw off Dylanists, but Dylanists saw through his nervous antics.

BECOMING A DYLANIST[edit]

The secret society does not require much to be a member. They require they you sacrafice Kanye West fans monthly to Lord Dylan by non violent mean such as locking them in lockers or destroying all of their CDs. In the rare occasion that a Bob Dylan CD is among their collection, they are given a warning. Three strikes and the CD is given to a kid who deserves it and the rest of the CDs are destroyed. Of course, you must also listen to Dylan extensively.

Dylanists listen to other bands, too, although not nearly as much as Bob Dylan.

This group does not support Dylanist Extremism. They are peaceful folk when it comes down to it, and crimes, even in the name of Dylan himself, are not what Dylanism is about. The concensus is if you asked him, he would agree.

Hontas[edit]

A Hontas is often considered to have the sole purpose of being poked. Honti are often spotted around the campus of Messiah College, galavanting about according to their own free will. If you see a Hontas, you may be immediately overcome by its sexiness and want to spend a ridiculous amount of time with it. This usually isn't a bad idea, but if you poke a hontas, you may have its boyfriend or girlfriend to answer to.

From Solar eclipse[edit]

A fifth type of solar eclipse was added:

  • A celebrity eclipse occurs as a result of the large hindquarters of a famous celebrity and has nothing to do with the placement of the Sun or Moon. The most recent celebrity eclipse took place on June 20, 2005, when Jennifer Lopez bent over to pick up an errant piece of Jolly Rancher candy while shopping on Rodeo Drive. Beverly Hills' sudden plunge into darkness resulted in three traffic accidents and two epileptic seizures in a nearby restaurant. No deaths were reported.

LOL.

from Tingle[edit]

Also, Tingle enjoys masturbating to nude photos of Link, taken while floating from his balloon while Link was showering.

Tingle seems to think of Link most oftenly,

Chapter 1

Tingle woke up, his Dick was fresh and hard. He had been having dreams of his love - Link - But he always though,"Do I really love Link??",Link knocked on his door,OH NO! thought Tingle, that must be Link!,Tingle let Link inside, and they were talking about selling maps,after a few hours, Link wanted to watch Tingle's TV, "Tingle, could you please get the TV remote?" asked Link, Tingle remembered that Link accidentally sat on the remote when he came, Tingle stood up and walked up to Link, he than put his arm to reach the remote,but Tingle accidentally touched Link's penis, Mmm thought Tingle as he dug deeper, Link than took off his clothes and Tingle did too, they had soft sex [2] and soon were deeply in love, Tingle and Link had a private wedding and went far off into a distant land to which they live now,2 months after the marriage, they had a child which they named Tink, after the death of Tink's perants, Tink went on to be a fairy, and helped Robin Hood.

The Outsiders II Johnny Returns[edit]

Added to Template:Ponyboy Michael Curtis on April 8, 2006, this bad joke is actually a real story supposedly created by a bored, ugly teen (that's me). This is what was posted in the article...


...in the Outsiders II Johnny Returns, Ponyboy is attacked by an evil cult that brings back Johnny Cade from the grave. Johnny then sets a plan into motion that involves an alliance with the French and a chemical that can save the wounded and transform people into bat-guano crazy monsters. Among Johnny's followers are Dallas Winston. Ponyboy gradually kills off Johnny's cult and attacks Johnny during a subliminal messaging program. Johnny and Ponyboy engage in a climatic battle in a pair of mechs, resulting in Johnny falling into the chemical (a gold substance, hence the meaning "stay gold". Johnny's last words were in fact a cryptic hint at the events to come). Johnny transforms and is killed, and Ponyboy procedes to escape the French Army (hired by Johnny) and confront one of the last remaining persons in Johnny's cult: Dallas. Dallas is killed and Ponyboy and his brothers, as well as Two-Bit, run off into the distance as the French Army chases after them, leading to a possible third installment. Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ponyboy_Michael_Curtis"

From The oldest trick in the book[edit]

The Old Switch-A-Roo, The Oldest Trick in the Book

Paleontologists believe that the old switch-a-roo has been with us ever since our ancestors began to walk upright. The oldest documented story of the old switch-a-roo being pulled on someone was in the Garden of Eden shortly after the creation. In this story, the serpent tells Eve that if she eats the fruit of the tree of knowledge, she would “be like the gods…” However, when Adam and Eve eat the fruit they discover they are naked. Ashamed, they sew fig leaves together to cover themselves. Later, they are banished from Eden and doomed to die.

Some historians theorize that Jesus’ turning water into wine was nothing more than an ingenious switch-a-roo. Theologians, however, dismiss this as blasphemy.


From Bob Barker's Childhood[edit]

Born in Darrington, he grew up on the Rosebud Indian Reservation in Rosebud, South Dakota, where his mother, Matilda ("Tilly") Valandra, was a schoolteacher. His father, Byron John Barker, was an electrical power foreman who lost his life in a fall from a utility pole in 1929. Bob has a half-brother, Kent Valandra, from Matilda's subsequent remarriage. Both Tilly and Kent have joined the studio audience for numerous tapings of The Price Is Right. He also defeated the multiheaded Hydra, along with Hercules, Michael Jackson, and Hillary Duff.

From Bob Barker[edit]

BOB BARKER DIED, HE GOT HIT BY

A BRAND NEW CAR

User: Jimbo Wales[edit]

Jimbo is the Messiah.png

The final version of Jimbo Wales's user page at the end of April Fool's Day.

Part of some project? -- From Talk:Justin Berry[edit]

I'd like to see this article totally rewritten by uninvolved wikipedians. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Jimbo Wales (talk • contribs) 04:09, 8 March 2006 (UTC).

I'm sorry...is this part of some project? JHMM13 (T | C) 04:12, 8 March 2006 (UTC)
Yes, it's called Wikipedia. --kingboyk 23:17, 10 March 2006 (UTC)

Made me laugh... But then again, I'm easily amused. Ssbohio 11:13, 10 April 2006 (UTC)

Existism[edit]

Existism is a recently started religion that was created on Tuesday the eleventh of April, 2006. This is now a holy day to all members of the religion.

Existants believe that one day the sky will collapse leaving everyone non- existent except the members of the newly formed religion. Existism has exactly seventeen and half Gods. The main God does not exist so we do not know his full name. Members refer to him as 'Chad'.


Basic Principles[edit]

The basics principles of existism are: - No one exists except yourself and fellow members - All non-believers must be either converted or eliminated - The creators of the religion must be reffered to as 'The Supreme Overlords' at all times. - Donations are encoraged.

Commandments[edit]

There are no true comandments. ( Although you must obey commands of your senior leaders, eg. Surpreme Overlords.) Also the religion's stance is now set against Wikipedia.


From Beverley[edit]

Beverley is also famous for having its own real-life lion which lives in a cage in the town's bandstand. The cage, and its occupant, were first introduced to the public on April 16th 2003 and have since gone on to receive minor acknowledgement. Famed horse racing pundit John McCririck once grudgingly referred to the lion as "the only worthwhile resident of Beverley", after an unfortunate incident at the town's racecourse where he was pelted with several eggs and a large portion of corn beef hash. Local and visiting children are often encouraged to feed the notoriously un-named lion Custard Cream biscuits which can be purchased from the many local shops in the town.

From Mr. T[edit]

Mr. T was well known for his catch phrase "I pity the fool..." However one phrase many did not connect with him was "My favorite burrito is the one in my pants" This was largely due to the fact that people did not know he was a pornography star. He starred in many foreign porn films such as "Dirty Sanchez", "Hung Lo in Tokyo", and "I Pity my Tool". The latter of which he wrote and directed himself.


DENNIS

From Pointillism[edit]

The brushwork used to perform pointillistic color mixing is at the expense of traditional brushwork which could be used to delineate texture. Color television receivers and computer screens, both CRT and LCD, use tiny dots of primary red, green, and blue to render color, and can thus be regarded as a kind of pointillism. You can be more pointy!

Mayo[edit]

From WP:RD/M

What happens to mayo if you freeze it? —The preceding unsigned comment was added by 68.114.224.62 (talkcontribs) .

Why don't you try it and see for yourself? —Keenan Pepper 04:48, 10 April 2006 (UTC)
I just put some in my freezer because I was curious, so you'll soon find out even if you don't have mayonnaise or a freezer handy. —Keenan Pepper 04:51, 10 April 2006 (UTC)
So far it's just grown cold and hard, but still fairly flexible. It's basically gross ice cream. I suspect nothing more exciting will happen, but I'll let you know. —Keenan Pepper 05:17, 10 April 2006 (UTC)
With bated breath we sit and wait,
The mayo and it's awful fate,
Will it freeze or will it not?
Does anybody care a lot?
"Gross ice cream" says Keenan Pepper,
"Your POV" says CBWeather
Get some ham, a loaf of bread
and see which one is easier spread".
CambridgeBayWeather (Talk) 06:21, 10 April 2006 (UTC)

The French Revolution[edit]

when I typed "the french revolution" just like that, with no capitalizations, I am redirected to this page and this is what comes up at the top.

The French Revolution sucked butt! (1789-1799) was a period in the history of France. During this time, republicanism replaced the absolute monarchy in France, and the French sector of the Roman Catholic Church was forced to undergo radical restructuring. While France would oscillate among republic, empire, and monarchy for 75 years after the First Republic fell to a coup d'état by Napoleon Bonaparte, the revolution nonetheless spelled a definitive end to the Ancien Régime. It eclipses the subsequent revolutions of 1830 and 1848 in the popular imagination. It is widely seen as a major turning point in European history, from the age of absolutism to that of the citizenry, and even of the masses, as the dominant political force.

From the First French Empire[edit]

YOUR WRONG cONSUL HUBY DUBY WAS THE PRIMARY LEADER OF THE REVOLUTIONARIES. hE MADE THEM WALK NAKED IN THE STREETS.

Freemagination[edit]

Freemagination Noun- The use of ones imagination when heavily influenced by the power, good looks, moles, acting talents, voice, and/or granduer that is the Icon and Mogul Morgan Freeman.

"Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman, you may remember me from movies such a se7en, or batman begins, or even that movie where I talked over a bunch of birds, but I would just like to personally put my stamp of aproval, on the word "freemagination", after all many people have ideas for things that include or revolve around me, Morgan Freeman, and thanks to the good people at Freeman Forever on Myspace.com and personally to James, for spreading the use of this term to people all over the world wide web, well with that said, I need to get back to being God for Bruce Almighty 2, has anyone ever been more made for a role than me, Morgan Freeman, playing God? Someone really used their freemagination, to think up that role for me, well remember I'm Morgan Freeman, Freeman out"

"Symmetry" A/K/A "What the hell is a "speedy cleanup" ?!"[edit]

To meet Wikipedia's quality standards, this article or section may require speedy cleanup.
Please discuss this issue on the talk page. Editing help is available. Articles with this tag should be cleaned up at least 72 hours.

From William Wallace[edit]

William Wallace of Northern Derbyshire, People's Republic of Bulgaria, came to the United States in 1235 A.D. as a starting point guard for the L.A. Lakers, which at that time were called the Weston Pimperknickle Inc. After seriously injuring his pancreas in a pick-up game against Hungary's premier team, Attila the Fun, Wallace went to work on the railroads. Eventually influenza set in and killed everyone else west of the Mississippi other than himself. Wallace finished the first continental railroad in 1679, and was nominated head of 4H club in 1681. Wallace then went. To Sweden. There, he built a massive fishing industry, rivaled only by that of Archbishop Desmond Tutu 300 years. Wallace died a horrible death 50 years later when small fire nymphs set him ablaze in his sleep.

From Motherfuck Shit and Cock[edit]

Often referred to as MFS+C, it is the famous phrase coined by Theodore John Lale (1978-) in the back shop of the prestigious West Haven Golf and CC in London, Ontario. When not in his natural habitat, Lale would often spew profanity without warning which shocked many old ladies and children at the club. In the summer of 2005, assisant food organizer Michael Hearse attempted to exorcise his demons in the cellar of the eatery lounge. After several failed attempts, Lale suddenly got up and left and to this day his where abouts are unknown, and all that remains are his famous words, motherfuck shit and cock.

hingethunder[edit]

What is a "Hingethunder"?[edit]

The name "hingethunder" is derived from the ancient word "mingethunder". The origins of "mingethunder" are unknown, however it has commonly been used as a designation for geeky computer types, who are more often than not, virgins and gayers.


"Hingethunders" in modern times[edit]

At present there is only one known "hingethunder" in existence, currently believed to be located in the Aberdeen area. It is understood he currently goes by the name Mark Matheson.

"Hingethunder" habitat[edit]

Hingethunders are generally found around urban areas, particularly "titty bars" and "80's bars". More often than not they will be seen feeding on their preferred food source "quadruple-vodka & coke". This food-source unfortunatly has an intoxicating effect on a hingethunder, generally resulting in a lack of control and speech ability.

"Hingethunder" behaviour[edit]

Hingethunders are well known for their distinctive behaviours and social patterns. One of the more famous is their unique mating ritual. This generally involves the following steps:

  1. Gorging themselves on their preferred food source (see above)
  2. Selecting a possible mate
  3. Proceeding to converse with the mate about "lesbians" and the suitability of "double enders"

As you can imagine, this method is rarely succesfull and as such there are no known cases of succesfull hingethunder mating. The most that has occured was a spot of dry-humping of the potential mates leg.


From Mr. T[edit]

An issue of the Mr. T comic book

Mr. T (born Lil' Mr. T, May 21, unknown) is an World hero known for his roles as B.A. Baracus in the 1980s television series The A-Team as boxer "Clubber Lang" in the 1982 film Rocky IIIand a more urban version of Jesus.

Biography[edit]

T was born in the center of the universe, the first of one child; he grew up in the universe's star projects. He played football in space with aliens, studied martial arts, and won a scholarship to Fool Pitying University, Jupiter, but was partied out after a year. After that he went to a couple of small galactic implosions. After leaving the Death Star he was a Urban Jesusand a Ghetto Chuck Norris before trying out for the Grim Reeper. His professional fool lovin' career was finished, however, by a fatal hugging injury. After this, his aspirations were set higher - PITY ALL FOOLS AND TAKE NO JIBBA-JABBA[citation needed]. He began on his journey by making fools cry.

For about nine years he was a official fool pitier to the stars, pitying such well-known personalities as Steven Segal, Michael Jackson, and Vin Diesel. He charged around $300,000,000,000 a second and his business card famously read, "Next to Me, there is no better protector than God." He always boasts that he never lost a client, saying, "I got hurt worse growing up in the ghetto than working as a fool pitier."

In 1970 he changed his name by deed poll from "mister t" to "Mr. t" and then in 1980 to "Mr. T" so that people would have to fear him as "Mr." It was while reading National Geographic that Mr. T first saw the unusual hairstyle for which he is now famous, on an African Mandinka warrior. He decided that adopting the style was a powerful statement about his African origins.

During his AWSOME YEARS as a jibba-jabba bouncer, he would take jewelry from fools and beat them with it, then stole all of thier clothes and stuff. At one point, his gold chains, rings, and bracelets were worth about an ammount of money unmeasurable. It took him about one cuntury to put it on, and most nights he cleaned it in an ultrasonic cleaner although some nights he slept in it "to see how my ancestors, who were slaves, felt."

In 1986 Mr. ...YA...MR. T JUST LIKES TO PITY FOOLS...to enact ordinances making the removal of old growth trees illegal.

In 2005, Mr. T announced he would never wear his human skulls again saying, “No, T, you can never wear your skulls again. It's an insult to Chuck Norris." He came to this decision after seeing the effects of Hurricane Katrinaor Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel's fight. Mr. T also donated a great deal of clothing and money to Norris/Diesel victims. He has been reported to be working on a new reality television show for TV Land, called I Pity the Fool [3], which will find the devout Christian assisting those in need.

Mr. T currently lives in the center of the universe, and is never single. He is a born again Mr. T-ian.

From Box[edit]

Forget everything that is above. These are boxes.ɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢɢBoxʟʎɰɰɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾɾ

Note:This text was positioned below the real description of a box.

From Dalton's Paradoxical Quandary[edit]

Dalton's Paradoxical Quandary is one of the founding tenants of Anecdotalism. The philosopher behind this theory is Dalton, a character from Gregory C. Hundemer's anecdotes. The philosophy itself is concerned with defining reality as an apparent and ongoing contradiction. According to Dalton's Paradoxical Quandary (referred to by followers as DPQ) anything imaginable and unimaginable both exists and does not exist at the same moment in the same plane as us. DPQ assumes everything and nothing as its metaphysical definition, and is rooted solely and alternately in both human experience and imagination.

Bollocks from Criticisms of Communism[edit]

"The estimated death toll of the two World Wars, which hardly had anything to do with communism"

Gosh, I do not know whether this *is* meant as a joke or not!

Old vandalism to Larry Csonka[edit]

His moustache won him the 'most awexome' award in the known world. The reason why so many ladies go out with him is only because of his moustache.

1664[edit]

Bad year for composing, good year for beer.


from Laura Bush[edit]

Dear Mrs. Bush,

I'm writing you today out of a genuine concern for you, and your wonderful daughters. First of all, please allow me to compliment you on standing by your man, our President. I know how unbelievably trying, embarrassing, and infuriating it must be for you at times.

I know you're college educated, literate, a librarian no less, and that conversations with George W. Bush may be reminiscent of the time you waved and said "hello" to the gorillas at the San Diego Zoo a few years ago...or trying to establish a meaningful dialogue with a bowl of wax fruit.

Your patience is only matched by the perpetual frozen expression of fear, heart-break, and startled surprise that cries out, "I self-medicate. I'm on half a bottle of Stoli and a fist full of Zoloft before noon."

I see you at his side as he visits Louisiana, and dodges questions about FEMA, and the lack of aid going to people in that region. You are with him every step of the way, as his approval ratings continually sink.

Your wonderful monologue at the Correspondence Dinner months ago had me in stitches! They should rename you the First Lady of Comedy!

You know, you and I have a lot in common. Neither of us feel any safer since the invasion of Iraq, and both of us read. We both have an attention span that lasts longer than half an hour, and we both have a sense of humor.

That being said, I'm going to go out on a limb here, and offer my friendship to you. I have to think we could have a better time than what you're used to. I mean, come on. How many hours of a drunken Lynn Cheney reading aloud from Mein Kampf can anyone stand?!

If you do want to hang out, think of all the fun we could have: we could go to one of the many American sea ports and watch weapons of mass destruction get waved in by Dubai nationals! We could light bags of dog-doo on fire at Hillary Clinton's doorstep, ring the buzzer and run like hell!

All I'm saying, Mrs. Bush, is I know you're suffering your husband as much as I am, and we might as well get our kicks before the whole shit-house goes up in flames.

What do you say?

Henry