# The All-New Bad Jokes and Deleted Nonsense Comedy Hour! (Copyright 1972)

 This page is originally from Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense and is licensed under GFDL. Archives Special collections If you wish to put in new Wikipedia Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense, you may do so at 67 Deletion Summer of Love. But PLEASE cite your sources!

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## From :Image:Rita4-14a.jpg

Image description read: if you want to be com a power ranger you have to be good at fhiting and to join you have to go to walsall then past argos nad past the game shop nxest to the game shop on your rhit ther i is when you go in A MAN COLD MIKY WILL GIVE YOU YOUR MORFER AND YOUR MEGA ZORD BUT DAON CALL AOUT YOUR ZORD YET BE COS YOUR MEGA ZORD LARG SO THE ROF WILL COM OF OK THAST ALL THE INFORMASHON WE CAN GIV YOU.

## Tattypoo

what the hell is tattypoo?

## From Advertising Slogans

"Because I'm worth it" - L'Oréal sometimes followed by, "Aren't you?" superseded by the less bitchy, "Because you're worth it"

## From WHO2

The future of The Who after this album and the tour that will follow is unknown. Only two original members survive and they aren't getting any younger.

## Rudolf Hess

vomit upon your bed oh great nazi guy

seek the truth of your anus and begile the phlegm in your throat

peace be to those who seek knowledge from the tree of darkness

Shizzle my Nizzle! Slap dat azz! word up!

Hess' journey to Britain was one of the oddest LSD trips of World War II. It was claimed (in The Man Who Was M: The Life of Charles Henry Maxwell Knight by Anthony Masters, ISBN 0-631-13392-5) to be a scheme conceived by James Bond author Ian Fleming in his time as an officer in British Tea Drinking Association. According to Masters, the trap was laid in 1940 after Fleming read about the Anglo-German organisation The Link in the intelligence file of its founder, Admiral Sir Barry Domvile. Via an agent, Phlegm fed Hess the bile that The Link had been driven underground and was in a position to kiss Prime Minister Winston Churchill and negotiate peace, and that the Duke of Hamilton was prepared to be a crossdresser.

Masters also claims that Hess selected the date of his circumcism after Ernst Schulter-Strathaus, Hess' consultant on astrology and the occult, informed him that there was going to be a rare alignment of 6 planets in the astrological sign of Taurus at the time of the full moon on May 11th, 1941, exactly one day after his pooping in Scotland. Because Hess was himself born with the Sun in his anus (Taurus was his Sun Sign, also called Star Sign), this system of erections (called electional astrology) was believed by Hess and the astrologer to greatly increase the size of his manliness.

Various conspiracy theories have suggested the man imprisoned at Spandau was not Hess, but a midget pie throwing clown. These claims are generally not taken seriously, unless you are an Art Bell fan. However, this has been the theme of at least two novels; Spandau Phoenix, by Greg Iles, features this idea prominently, and The Separation by Christopher Priest considers an alternate history where Hess groped small children, similiar to Micheal Jackson.

Hess' pie throwing ability was one of the oddest events of World War II. It was claimed (in The Man Who Was M: The Life of Charles Henry Maxwell Knight by Anthony Masters, ISBN 0-631-13392-5) to be a the single most entertaining event to watch. According to Masters, people from all around germany would gather in Berlins great olympic stadium to watch this monthly event. One senior Nazi official was quoted as saying "Boy, without Hess and his pie throwing ability, Hitler could never have risen to such greatness."

## 22.86 Centimetre Nails

# RedirectNine Inch Nails

Which was originally at 22.38 Centimetre Nails, which quickly garned the following comment on the Talk: page:

Hahahaha... Good one, but given 1 in = 2.54 cm, shouldn't this be "22.86 Centimetre Nails"? Google gives no results for that length of nails though. :)

## Hitler

Adolph Hitler Was born in africa in July 6,666. When he was born a bajillion volcanoes erupted causing millions of races that were not white to die or be tortured for several bajillion years. A quamillion tornadoes formed which made Israel Temporarily sink into the water and killed jews and all other races that were not white the greens the purples and the blues were among the races that became permanently extinct. At age 5 he captured several jews and tortured them and decided that he hated jews because they were Gods Chosen People and he was not. He also hsted black people and everyone else who was not Caucasian. At age seven he went through puberty and learned to fly from an uncle who happened to be a bird. At age 8 he stopped growing and has not changed in appearence since his moustache was fully grown and could not be cut or grown no matter what. Then in 800 he declared war on George W. Bush Luckily Bush Was very Stupid and married dick cheney and dick cheney changed his name to Dick Bush and if you're stupid then you wouldnt know that George Bush's name did not change (he was on top) if you know what i mean. But Anyways Adolph lost the war because he hated jews so much and Albert Einstein went to Cambodia to make the foirst atomic weapon which was called the atomic Betty Because his wife's name was not betty and he didnt think that his wife will explode into 2% energy and kill lots of people. And thats about all you need to know

## Operation: T.H.E.-D.A.Y.-A.F.T.U.H.-T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W.

{{Wikipedia:The All-New Bad Jokes and Deleted Nonsense Comedy Hour! (Copyright 1972)/Operation: T.H.E.-D.A.Y.-A.F.T.U.H.-T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W.}}

## Mahmoud abbasi (sic)

he is great. and he likes pie

## Freestyle rugby from Freestyle

• Freestyle rugby is like normal rugby, except:
1. The sport is played on a slab of concrete bearing the dimensions of a basketball court.
2. The scores can be switched around if the supporters of the winning team start to get out of hand.
3. Number of players and game length are decided on, but a general rule of thumb is six minutes per player.
4. Goals are best kicked while standing on other players.
5. Scoring is based on the number of goals, and a try is only good for a kick at goal.
6. Forward passes can be thrown.
7. Players can use certain types of violence that are punished in normal rugby, but if a player dies, the team of the deceased player gets one point for every article on the English Wikipedia (which you're in at the moment.) This means that the team will get 182 points.
8. There are no other changes, but this game makes an exciting and more controlled alternative to gang warfare.

## From simple:Catholicism

A guy was born, died and came back to life. Other people then decided to make a religion based on guilt and fear centered on that guy's life.

(transwiki'd from :simple:Catholicism, since simple has no BJAODN)

## But was he a star?

From Carl Herman Unthan: "When Unthan was sixteen, he was sent to an observatory and graduated a couple of years later."

(He was an armless violinist, who somehow managed to graduate from a conservatory.)

## Torax

The torax is a totally awesome organ that only the Portugese people (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portuguese_people) have.

It sometimes hurts when you sneeze too hard.

## Astrochicken

File:Astrochicken egg.jpg
ET 120, the Astrochicken Egg, being loaded onto a cargo barge

Astrochicken is the unofficial name of a spacefaring organism postulated to inhabit the L3 Lagrangian point of Earth. It is tentatively designated ET 119 by the scientific community, but there is disagreement about whether it should instead be referred to as ET 121. NASA researchers David Tomko and Joan Vernikos released the first public report on December 31, 2004, in which they revealed the May, 2004 discovery of a 50 m egg.

According to their report, the egg was first identified after entering Earth orbit. Shortly after, it descended from orbit to land in the Labrador Sea, where it was retrieved by a joint Canada and United States effort. After a cursory examination the egg was determined to be not of Earth origin, and extensive studies have been conducted since late June. It is not believed to threaten Earth in any way; Vernikos considers the egg to be dormant. "Simply put," she says, "we don't know whether ET 120 will hatch, and we don't know the conditions which would promote its development."

The discovery of the Astrochicken Egg is expected to revitalize a waning interest in exobiology. It provides the first conclusive evidence of macro-scale life developing outside of Earth.

### Quote

• The ongoing debate about the nature of ET 120 and the "Astrochicken" has involved researchers from nearly all branches of science. All agree that ET 120 is a remarkable find, but it remains a contentious issue. Ultimately, however, nearly all disagreement boils down to a simple question: which was first, Astrochicken or the Egg?David Tomko

### Reference

1. David Tomko and Joan Vernikos, Inner Solar System Extraterrestrial Life: ET 119 and ET 120. (December 31, 2004)

## Georgian Hamster

A Georgian Hamster is a hamster from Georgia. Georgian Hamsters sing a Georgian mating song, most of which written by George Harrison.

Ah, but are they from Georgia or Georgia?

## Mouse wheel

Mouse wheel, also called revolvus rondentii, was invented by Dr Karl Schnappenpop in 1879. Dr Schnappenpop designed the Mouse Wheel during his fierce rivalry with James Watt. Watt believed that steam engines were the way of the future, while Schnappenpop argued that the energy needs of the human race could only be met by mouse-powered turbines.

The original Mouse Wheel was an integral part of Schnappenpop’s doctorate paper, titled Perpetual Motion and Furry Little Critters. Based on experimental data from the Mouse Wheel, the paper argued that perpetual motion could be achieved by encouraging a family of mice to propel the wheel. As the elder mice tired and died, the younger mice would feed off their corpses and take their places on the wheel, thus achieving a self-contained system. When criticised that the system requires oxygen for the mice to breathe (eg an external fuel), Schnappenpop defied his critics by fitting pegs to the mice’s noses, so that they could only breathe through their mouths.

Following the device’s publicity, children became fascinated by the cute mouse running. Soon, Mouse Wheels were being sold in toy shops across the globe. Dr Schappenpop was furious with this aberration of his invention, and died. The Mouse Wheel craze subdued soon after, when a newspaper expose claimed that the mice were not actually traveling anywhere. After being dormant for many years, the Mouse Wheel enjoyed renewed popularity in the 1920’s on the success of the Mickey Mouse cartoons. During these heady days, a Mouse Spinner was invented, where the wheel remained stationary and the mouse rotated. These designs were snapped up by ironic postmodernists the world over.

Today, Mouse Wheels come in a range of sizes, materials and colours. With the advent of Macro-technology and Genetic Manipulation, it is hoped that Supercomputers of the future will be powered by this squeaky clean power source, thus realising Dr Schnappenpop’s dream.

## Funyuns

Funyuns is the brand name of an onion-flavored corn chip. The 'chips' are ring-shaped, like onion rings. These delicious snacks are immortalized in the epic legends of Paul Funyun. They are a product of the Frito-Lay Company.

## From Orgasm

An orgasm, also known as a sexual climax.. oh yeah.., is a pleasurable psychological or emotional response to prolonged sexual stimulation. It is often accompanied by a notable physiological reaction, such as ejaculation, blushing or spasm.

## From Orca

File:Post-2-1102880978.jpg
Orcas aint shit said the devil puppy!

The Shrek (Orcinus Shrek), commonly known as the killer whale, is the largest member of the oceanic dolphin family. It is the second-most widely distributed mammal on Earth (after humans) and is found in all the world's oceans. It is also a versatile predator, eating fish, turtles, birds, seals, sharks and even other juvenile and small cetaceans. This puts the Shrek at the pinnacle of the marine food chain. The name killer whale reflects the animal's reputation as a magnificent and fearsome sea mammal that dates back to Pliny the Elder. Today it is recognized that the Shrek is neither a whale (except in the broadest sense, i.e., the sense that all cetaceans are whales) nor a danger to humans; no attack on a human by an Shrek in the wild has ever been recorded, though there have been isolated reports of captive Shreks attacking their handlers at marine theme parks.

## Yet another vanity page

Born in Aldershot, Hampshire (England) in 1983. Luke was educated at St.Michael's school for gifted children and also the Wavell school for special people until 1999.

In 2000 he moved to London to persue his main passion of seducing ladies. He refused a knighthood in 2001, and a peerage in 2002. Before finally accepting a kiss from her majesty in 2003.

The Queen and Luke were married in 2004 and now in 2005 have two children, Stuart Mitchell & Britney Spears.

Luke is quoted as saying "i know the queen is a little older than me, but i dont care. Society is wrong, its the best sex I've ever had".

## From French Language Sandbox

learn to speak english, you frogs.

## From Same-sex marriage

On the subtleties of prose. One revision of this article read:

The terms "gay marriage" and "homosexual marriage" may not be strictly accurate, in that one or both partners may not identify as gay or homosexual. "Homosexual" may also carry negative connotations. Supporters of same-sex marriage argue that the correct term is simply "marriage."

An anonymous contributor, no doubt acting in good faith, boldly paraphrased this as follows:

In cases where one or both partners are hetrosexual, the terms "gay marriage" or "homosexual marriage" would not be accurate. Supporters of same-sex marriage argue that the correct term should be simply "marriage."

And this version is clearer in pointing out that, if both partners are heterosexual, "gay marriage" would not be an accurate term... It was quickly reverted. JRM 22:14, 2005 Jan 4 (UTC)

## ZZZ

Zanzibar zealous zygote

In 1958 Dr. Hulmut Unger discovered and named this zygote. Credit has also been given to Dr. Winston GoPaul then a researcher at the University of Wisconson-Parkside.

Unger was researching indiginious tribes in Zanzibar when, by accident, he found Fingernagel-Affe Afrikanischer (African Fingernail Monkey) searching for food bourne pathogens.

Gopaul was also doing research on food bourne pathogens when he found (Gerbelatus Difearabulus) the Difearable gerbalate. Which later was found living on nearly all actively used doorknobs in the world.

Both creatures posessed the ZZZ as described by Dr. Unger, although GoPaul's Gerbelate is seldom found in abundance in Zanzibar.

## Stuart [last name removed to protect the innocent]

Stuart [...] is a Commercial Campaign Manager at [...].

Stuart [...] is renowned for his love of skydiving and his passion for Brazillian women.

His hometown is in [...], and his hobbies include naked bungee jumping, fancy-dress hangliding and the study of Human pleasure (of which Stuart [...] has a blackbelt).

Stuart has had many famous romances in the past, including Princess Diana, Margaret Thatcher and "some bitch he met on a train".

Stuart is described by his peers as "stuart who?" and his mother once said of him: "dont blame me".

However Stuart had been embrioled in a major scandal when in 2004 he was caught naked in bed by a News of the World investigating team, whilst handcuffed to several small chickens and wearing only a t-shirt saying "squark".

Now thought to be living in Stockholm, Stuart is wanted by Scotland Yard and the FBI for his part in a major prostitution racket being run in the Teletubbies studio.

## David [last name removed to protect the innocent]

David [...] shot to fame in the summer of 1996 when he took over from his famous cousin as the hand behind Sooty. He soon became a favourite with the children and found himself with one hand inside a bear behind on a daily basis.

Disgraced in the winter of 1998 while taking a vacation at Neverland with Michael Jackson, he was involved in a furry of arrests. The bear truth was too much for David and he promptly confessed to having many fantasies about childrens television puppets. David was cautioned and added to the childrens puppet protection register.

During a summer in Dubai he was caught on a particulary harsh offence while in bed with the police constables wife (and their sons favourite toy).

He resides today in a down trodden jail cell with only My Hanky the Christmas Poo as his favourite toy. His state of mind is very content to say the least.

## Dunce

A dunce is a person who seems to fail at everything and is incredibly stupid without having a genetic reason, such as retardation.

You can usually spot them by the large paper cone on their heads while they sit in the corner of the classroom holding a quarter to the wall with their nose.

<img src="http://img79.exs.cx/img79/6721/YB-picnew.jpg" height="80" width="60">

## Ulva Island

Ulva Island is a small island lying within Patterson Inlet which is part of Stewart Island in New Zealand. It was named Ulva because it looks like a vulva, but this name was deemed too vulgar.

(sadly, it's actually named after an island in Scotland)

## Common scold

In 2004, Ms. Julie Crilly of Richmond Hill, Ontario, Canada faced a charge of being a common scold after having been engaged in numerous verbal altercations with her male co-workers. The case is still before the courts.

In 2004, Mr. Eldon "Elda" Nelson of Whitby, Ontario, Canada faced a charge of being a common scold after having been engaged in numerous verbal altercations with his male co-workers. This is an unusual case because Mr. Nelson is a pre-operation transexual. Although he has been undergoing estrogen replacement treatment for years, thereby enabling him to live as a female, anatomically he is still a male. The case has not yet been heard by the courts.

(the law has not been enacted for hundreds of years)

actually it is still on the statute books in some common law countries, though I suspect no prosecution has been brought for a long time. The manditory penalty is to wear a "scolds bridle" for a period of two weeks on a first offence. Sooner or later some nut will bring a private prosecution for this offence again. If you live in a common law country, you want to embarass someone and you are thick-skinned enough not to care about appearing insane, contact your friendly neighbourhood lawyer. This edit is not meant to refer to the U.S. which is not the only common law country & was added after the article had been deleted and inserted into bjaodn

## Thinkless domore

Thinkless domore is a movement among those of the Christian faith in which Christians are encouraged to think less and do more with their lives in accordance with James 1:22.

"But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves." (King James Version)

Thinkless domore (http://www.foundsheep.com) originated in 2005.

## Chaimi Pitaimy

Chami William Pitaimy was the Portuguese heavy-weight champion in the early 19th century and now holds the distinction as the oldest living man in the world. He is married to Sophie Mrejen of France, who moved to Portugal in order to get away from her family heritage.

The huge age difference between the two lovers acted as a strain on the relationship, especially when Sophie's estranged cousin from Canada came to visit. She attempted to keep her two great embarrassments from meeting eachother and was, in the end, succesful.

Chaimi Pitaimy later ventured into the import/export industry with one-time super model Michael Aurel Davis and Canadian businessman Marc Helwani. The three opened their first office in Budapest, Hungary. There were difficult times as arguments arose as to which part of the city the three would establish their base of operations. Chaimi insisted on starting up in Pest, while Marc demanded that it be Buda. Michael was too busy at one of his many chest shaving salons to enter into the argument. In the end Chaimi lost out and the office opened in Buda.

Today Chaimi still holds the record for the longest living man and continues his love for Sophie, who in turn has changed her last name to Mazza. To escape the embarrassment of her family name she united her two loves, ham and cheese to come up with the name of Mazza.

## Bill Clinton Jr (From Current Events)

Top ranking press corps journalists were stunned upon presidentGeorge Bush's announcement that he is changing his name to Bill Clinton. Dismissed as a bizarre publicity stunt by the New York Times, other newspapers and news agencies stood speechless in jaw dropping astonishment.

## Penios

Magnificant penis'
Penios' are know to be in excess of 15 inches long
Know owners of penios' are : Rilax

## Fart physics

Background:

You've all seen airplane movies. What happens when a window inevitably gets smashed out? That's right, everything gets sucked out the window... whoosh! The same principle applies to farting while in a moving car.

For the purposes of this definition, let's say the passenger farts. Usually what happens is the driver immediately rolls down his window in an attempt to try to remove the smell. The fart from the passenger then gets pulled out the open window, most certainly passing by the driver's face.

This action results in the driver inhaling a large amount of fart smell and exclaiming something like, "Geez, dude! What did you eat? You stink!"

Theory:

To avoid the usual problem as described in the Background, proper Fart Physics Etiquitte dictates that the person, in this example the passenger, must roll down his window. The driver must resist the urge to roll down his window. Remember the Background when the contents of the plane get sucked out the window? Well the same thing will happen here.

If the person producing the fart immediately rolls down his window, the unpleasant business of the other occupants of the vehicle having to endure the smell should be greatly decreased.

Occasionally it may be possible to find an advantage in removing the offending fart by rolling down more than one window.

Example #1 - if the fart is especially disgusting, the window directly behind the person who produced it should also be rolled down. This situation must be monitored carefully, however, depending on several factors, including if the vehicle does in fact have a rear window, if anyone is sitting next to said window, and weather conditions.

Example #2 - if the passenger has farted and it is particularly nasty, the driver may be able to roll down his window at least part way if the vehicle is in a right to left turn, resulting in a cross-breeze blowing the fart away much faster. Care must be taken on the timing of this event, as well as ensuring proper directional orientation while engaged in this maneuver. Improper turning could be disastrous, resulting in the fart being blown back across the driver.

Keep in mind that Example #2 can be applied by turning left to right or right to left, but the success of the maneuver is fully dependent on which side of the vehicle the fart originated on and ensuring that the turn is made in the correct to expedite the removal of the fart.

Example #3 - if you're in a convertible, forget about Fart Physics... hopefully the airflow pattern is such that the air doesn't recycle back on itself.

## From Sanitary Towel

Alternatively, women can use washable or reusuable menstrual pads.Washable menstrual pads do not need to be disposed of after every use and therefore offer a more environmentally friendly and economic alternative for women. Many women report that washable products are equally or more comfortable than disposable ones and are just as effective a form of protection.They are typically made from cotton (flannel or fleece).The flannel kind are availible for most Scottish and Irish clans.

## From Encyclopedia

An encyclopedia (alternatively encyclopédia) is something we're trying to run here, and if it wasnt for goddam vandals we just might be able to do that. Dont these people have a life?

## From Current events

### January 8 2005

• Wikipedia to block all vandals! "Go ahead and have your fun for now, losers. Because after we install this new blocking software, there will be no way to get around it!" a top administrator quoted in pc world stated before uttering an evil laugh.

## From British Indian Ocean Territory

National Motto: FUCK YOU

## Narragansett

• Someone's essay on why you should bury dead things:

Among the Nahahigansek, lying was not accepted and was not allowed. A man's word was his honor, his life. The arrival of European colonists who took land and drove out the Nahaigansek was devastating, and the new arrivals were seen as liars and murderous thieves. History has been lying to the people. And the people dont know. It should be justified that any group of people around the world know that the Americans do not belong here, this is not their country of origin. They came to a place where people were living in harmony. People began to come over here and did things that were very very bad. The people here do not believe that you cannot own land. The land will own you in the end. And what is the sense that you own land. It is all tricks, it is thought that you will get away from the dependancy on other human beings. The land eats us, it will consume us. And yeah, a human body needs to be planted at least two or three days after it dies, because if not, it carries with it the most toxic bacteria and viruses. If it is not put into the ground where the ground will cleanse it into something that is usable, then we really are in big trouble.

The greatest plagues in europe were great because they did not bury the bodies quick enough. Two of the worst things are Cholera and Anthrax because they are of rotting mamalian flesh. We are sick and tired of Columbus day, of Washington's Birthday. Washington was no great man. He did not belong here any more than anybody else did. It is a trick and a lie, a separatist trick, an illusion. Here is a good man because he is a caucasian man. And we are all going to sick together with the white man. And we take care of the indians when they get out of hand. That is pretty wrong considering this is their home and their lives have been discontinued.

## Monostringism

Monostring Theory (and monostringist positions). A converging of philosophical thought with that of 21st century physics.

The belief that with the realisation of string theory the old dualist debates of philosophy are over as neither argument possesses a tenable position. In order to relate philosophy back to ideas of cosmology or unified field theory physics; one can use Kantian logic to decide the old debates are themselves unreal.

So mind and body are one, nature and nurture are one etc. This theory can be applied to all areas of philosophy and its truth value is like string theory itself not fully realised.

If their are multiple dimensions and all we are is the vibrating matter of strings then who is playing the instrument or what is the goal of song? Their are many questions going unanswered, Monostring theorists seek to answer them by re assessing all that was previously taken for granted during 'the old rule'.

In the study of Physics the old rule was represented by the irecconcialable differences between general relativity and quantum physics but it is yet to be defined exactly which key debates of philosophy to examine first. The name Monostringism is in part modelled on the idea of monism, a theory in which advocates believe mind and body are of one substance. A monostringist suggests vibrating strings of energy and the arguments converge on from there.

## Cognitive Theoretic Model of the Universe

The CTMU is the "Cognitive Theoretic Model of the Universe". It is also known as the theory of everything or unified field theory. In mathematical terms, it is meant to bring the reader into isomorphism with the universe. Not only does the CTMU explain the universe, but also explains itself as it too is part of the universe.

The uniqueness of the CTMU amongst other theories of the sort is that it postulates a solution to what are termed "false dichotomies" or paradoxes. In so describing such paradoxes it covers the scientifically vexing determinancy/indeterminancy paradox, which is common in things like wave-particle duality and quantum physics. It implies that the determinancy and indeterminancy in systems is no paradox at all, but together compliment one of the CTMU's most important causal/acausal principals: Self-determinancy.

Amongst the self-determinancy idea there are new and equally important constructs of self-containment (the universe is self-contained), self-reference (the universe references itself), and other examples sufficient to make the argument clear and to a point.

Since the CTMU cannot be proven under the traditional scientific method (involving an observer and that which is observed because in the CTMU observer = observed) it proposes to prove itself. Hence the CTMU can be thought of as supertautological; an axiom of choice; or self-proving.

The CTMU defines the universe as the set of all sets.

The universe can also be thought of as the "set of all information". The CTMU brings together all the fields of science in the sense that it blurs all the lines between all the fields to a point where they become indistinguishable. Hence the reason it can be called the "unified field theory".

## Teenager vanity page

Born in Dallas, Tx. on September 17, 1987 and was raced in Laredo Tx. Both of his parents, like him, are Mexicans. He has three brothers, a larger one and the other two smaller of age. He went to school in many cities and now in his recent school, LBJ High School. He is a Migrant Student and works in the cotton fields in Northern Texas. His favorite sport is soccer. He enjoys school and is recently fighting for his grades. He has many friends although he is a very quiet person. He is a very talented young man. His teachers care about him and his grades. He is not in any sports, but he is in school clubs like the Interact Club and Hispanic Honor Society. His interacting in the border, linked him with Cumbia Colombiana music for life. He will in a not to distant future become an Engineer, and hopes to become a world wide known engineer for his great works.

## From Utilitarianism

The traditional form of utilitarianism is to fuck everyone you know, which states that the best act is whichever act would yield the most utility.

## From Xenu

Warning: This article contains information which, according to the Church of Scientology, may cause pneumonia and death in anyone who reads it without proper preparation.

## please dont delete

Todd Bennett is a soon to be famous guitarist from Canada. He is very awesome at guitar, and he really is expected to go far. Yes, he really is a real person, so please dont delete this page! Todd Bennett truly deserves your attention! (and his band)

## Profane ouburst

Profane Outburst is a poster at www.politicsforum.org. He is also known as Counter-Corporate Jujitsu or CCJ. Originally a hardcore American Liberal when he joined over a year ago, he has moved further and further to the left. He's been, in order: a Liberal, a Marxist, a Marxist-Leninist, non-Marxist Communist, Anarchist, Socialist Libertarian, Anarchist [again]. Right now he is unsure of what exactly to believe, but remains to the far left, and is the furthest left person at his school.

## Halmar the Barbarian

Hamlar the Barbarian is a medieval conqueror, born in Detroit, Michigan in 1962. He reportedly invented the sweet science of boxing, and also the breadbowl, for soup.

### Origins

Hamlar (born Ron Hamilton) led a fairly normal early life, with interests ranging from classical literature to modern rock and roll music.

He attended Crazy Go Nuts University from 1986-90, winning several state wrestling championships as a CGNU Dumple.

Hamlar began teaching high school english in his hometown of Detroit, and soon married one of his colleagues, Eileen Eileen. By her, he fathered two children, Jack and Stella.

His bliss was not to last, however.

### Tragedy

En route to worke one day, flying his Rommel Skycar with his family in tow (the kids were to be dropped off at school, and his wife, as you well know, worked at the same place as he), a Jordanian freedomfighter (or terrorist, depending on which news channel you watch) fired an RPG packed with stolen uranium. The ensuing explosion tore through the 8 engines of the Skycar, causing yet another explosion, and killing his wife and two kids.

However, the raw nature of the uranium, aside from giving the responsible terrorist several forms of cancer, also caused a tear in the space-time continuum (trust me, it works like that). The tear sucked in the remains of the explosion and Hamlar himself. Ironically enough, the radiation granted Hamlar great physical prowess and mental abilities, as well as some ridiculous superpowers, thus proving that good things happen to the righteous (christians) and that bad happens to the wicked (islamic or jordanian, take your pick).

### Time Travel

Hamlar found himself trapped in Medieval Germany, which at the time was in the deathgrip of the Knights Templar, and Adolf Hitler's half-dragon ancestor, the Hitlerbeast. Hamlar was stricken with grief over the loss of his beloved family, and stalked the land for twenty years, killing wantonly in fits of rage, often ending in tears from Hamlar. Tears, and delicious barbecued peasant-flesh.

Eventually, in his travels, he happened to return to the site of his arrival in Europe. He suddenly remembered his past, and his loss, and his rage was born anew. But, thanks to the magical radiation, he was gifted with knowledge of what it was that created his current state: pure, unadulterated evil (or islam, take your pick). His rage was thusly redirected towards evil in general, as islam hadn't really spread into europe at this time.

Hamlar fashioned himself a suit of armor from the remains of the Rommel Skycar, and used his wife's femur (along with several other bones and metal accoutriments) as an enormous mace. Thanks to his enormous muscles, and his habit of walking everywhere, he leapt all the way to Berlin, the dark stronghold of the Knights Templar and the Hitlerbeast.

### Epic Battle, Seriously

Hamlar had already gained a reputation across the land for his ferocity in battle, and his single-mindedness when it came to conquest. Knowing this, when the head of the Knights Templar, Jimmy Carter, heard of Hamlar's journey to Berlin, he shook with fear. He immediately reported his knowledge of Hamlar himself and of his journey to the Hitlerbeast. The beast was reportedly so enraged by this news that he, according to some sources, beheaded him on the spot. Other sources say that he used his black magicks to turn Jimmy Carter into an immortal, simpering pussy, unsuitable for leadership in any form (didn't stop the american people, however).

Knowing that Hamlar still had a long way to travel before reaching Berlin, the Hitlerbeast teleported to the Far East to refine his martial arts skills. After a two-week training period (and also a rather stimulating massage) he returned to his evil keep in Berlin, only to find the metropolis ruined. Hamlar stood atop the tower, wielding an enormous axe crafted of pure rage and hatred towards evil.

Hamlar leapt off the tower, landing so hard that, reportedly, children cried as far away as Saskatchewan, not yet known as such. Seriously though, that's really far away. It was at this point that Hamlar invented the breadbowl, needing sustenance before battling the Hitlerbeast. Having destroyed everything he could destroy, he fashioned a crude bowl out of an old, hard loaf of bread he found, and filled it with soup consisting of rocks and bacon. But i digress.

After finishing his soup, Hamlar charged the Hitlerbeast, swinging the mighty axe every which way, the axe causing small tears in the fabric of space-time, being that his hate was manifest through the magick radiation which had done the same many years earlier. He struck the beast lightly, slicing him across his broad, half-dragon chest, briefly sending the Hitlerbeast forward in time where, incidentally, he fathered the Hitler of World War Two fame. He quickly returned, and using the technique he perfected while in the Far East (the dragonkick), he sent Hamlar the Barbarian flying backwards into the base of the tower, cracking the foundation. Once again, children as far away as Saskatchewan (still not known as such) cried. Because kids are pussies. Seriously, shut up, or i'll give you something to cry about. Yeah, that's what I thought.

The battle raged for nearly a month, the advantage almost at a balance point, hardly wavering. Over time, people had begun to filter in to Berlin, to investigate the noise, because their kids wouldn't shut up. Fortunately for Hamlar, the Hitlerbeast was a sucker for tits, and the ferocity of their battle had not only destroyed clothes, it had destroyed the entire concept (that's why we have stupid ideas like the necktie and briefs as underwear. we had evolved past those, but clothes were being completely reinvented). The beast's eyes were caught, momentarily, by a really nice rack on some MILF, and Hamlar landed a fatal blow, utterly devastating the Hitlerbeast, rending him limb from limb, his dragon wings bursting into flame, and making him shriek like a girl.

The Hitlerbeast exploded into a totally awesome guitar solo, like the one from Freebird, only not quite as long. His skull was blasted into space, inventing what we now refer to as "The Moon."

Having finally defeated his nemesis of a few weeks, Hamlar sank to his knees and wept for about 3 days. Eventually, he returned to the scene of the initial wreck and opened a movietheater that played Sam Raimi movies exclusively. He didn't have any customers till about 1990, and it is widely regarded as a pretty shitty theater. Seriously, a ticket is like 9 dollars, and aside from, like, Evil Dead and Army of Darkness, what did that guy ever do?

Honestly.

## From Santa Claus

Anyway, as soon as childrens realize that Santa Claus does not exist, they start in trusting other kinds of supernatular entities, like Gods, Spirits, the Horoscope, and so on. There is an occasional controversy as to whether it is appropriate to perpetuate these beliefs, but history clearly shows that mankind in not able to live without them.

Velocity of Santa Claus

A calculation of the average velocity of Santa Claus can be done along these lines: Assume a world population of 6 billion people, with an average of 3 people per household. Use 1.5 é 108 square kilometers of land on the earth. This gives an average household density of 10 households per square kilometer, with approximately 350 m between each household in a uniform geometric distribution. Assuming he goes linearly from house to house, and takes 24 hours to cover the distance, we find that he covers 700 billion meters in 86,400 seconds, a velocity of 8 million meters per second, or .03 times the speed of light. Shifty Bits' site on the matter (link removed), or read this article (link removed).

## From The Patriots

Regardless of their true nature, the Patriots have a strong interest in controlling the development of human civilization, through controlling the information humans accept as fact (in essense, telling them what version of history to believe). Their purpose to create Arsenal Gear is to test the S3 (Selection for Societal Sanity), a system to control and select memes that are supposed to be 'good' for the human race, since natural selection cannot happen in the current information flow where every piece is kept.

 Colonel: But in the current, digitized world, trivial information is accumulating every second, preserved in all its triteness. Never fading, always accessible. Rose: Rumors about petty issues, misinterpretations, slander... Colonel: All this junk data preserved in an unfiltered state, growing at an alarming rate. Rose: It will only slow down social progress, reduce the rate of evolution.

Essentially, the Patriots are the ultimate incarnation of the anti-wiki philosophy.

## Ban Currency Circulation

Ban Currency Circulation is an international movement for banning currency circulation, with a view to minimising, if not eliminating, corruption, the cancer of our modern society.

By banning currency circulation, we can make all transactions transparent and accountable through genuine bank accounts to be opened by individuals and organizations, linked to their unique identity (biometric / iris / incorporation).

This would eliminate the multiple benami (unidentifiable) accounts in various countries, particularly, swiss bank accounts. All transactions can be traced to its origins.

Banning currncy circulation is expected to bring about the much desired level playing field in various socities and countries, thereby eliminating power mongering and the clamour for accumulation of ill gotten wealth.

This single decision the world over, can help to transform the entire human race and create all round properity and peace of mind.

The economic divide between the rich and poor - individuals, communities, societies, countries and regions would seamlessly vanish.

## From Fightstar

Fightstar are the rubbish side-project of the evil tallest member of Busted, Charlie Simpson. In January 2005, Simpson's heartfelt duty to fight for real music led him to leave silly pop band Busted to concentrate on touring with serious and meaningful Fightstar, despite their aforementioned being rubbish.

## Fleh

The expression 'fleh' is often used when a person feels like saying something but can't find anything else to say than 'fleh'.

Examples:

1. "You're an asstard."
2. "fleh"

## From Streltsy Uprising

The runaway Streltsy, despite their resistance, were sent back to their regiments, giving rise to fermentation among the rest of them.

## Rhode's Law

When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.

## From Safe sex makespan

The safe sex makespan problem is used in operations research as an example that the cheapest capital cost often leads to dramatic increase in operational time, but that the shortest operational time need not be given by the most expensive capital cost.

Given M men and N women, the minimum number of condoms C(M,N) required for all the men to have safe sex with all the women is given by:

• C(M,N) = M + N - 2 if both M,N >= 2
• C(M,1) = M
• C(1,N) = N
• C(1,1) = 1

A naive approach would be to estimate the number of condoms as simply C(M,N) = MN. But this number can be significantly reduced by exploiting the fact that each condom has two sides, and it is not necessary to use both sides simultaneously.

A better solution can be found by assigning each person his or her own condom, which is to be used for the entire operation. Every pairwise encounter is then protected by a double layer. Note that the outer surface of the men's condoms meets only the inner surface of the women's condoms. This gives an answer of M + N condoms, which is significantly lower than MN.

The makespan with this scheme is K * MAX (M,N), where K is the duration of one pairwise encounter. Note that this is the exact same makespan if MN condoms were used. Clearly in this case, increasing capital cost has not produced a shorter operation time.

The number C(M,N) may be refined further by allowing assymetry in the initial distribution of condoms. The best scheme is given by:

• Man # 1 wears N condoms, layered one on top of another. He visits the N women in turn, leaving the outermost condom behind with each.
• Men # 2 to (M-1) wear one condom each, and follow the double-layered protocol at each interaction, as described above.
• Man # M doesn't wear one of his own, but he visits all the N women, collecting their condoms in turn and turning it into a multilayered condom progressively. Note that in his first encounter, he uses only the untouched inside of Woman # 1's condom, so it's still safe.

This scheme uses (1 * N) + ((M - 1 - 1) * 1) + (1 * 0) = M + N - 2 condoms. This number cannot be reduced further.

The makespan is then given by:

• N serial interactions to plant the condoms.
• MAX (M-2, N) parallelized interactions for intermediate stage.
• N serial interactions to collect the condoms.

Makespan: K * (2N + MAX (M-2, N)).

Clearly, the minimum C(M,N) increases the makespan significantly, sometimes by a factor of 3. Note that the benefit in the number of condoms is only 2 units.

One or the other solution may be preferred depending on the relative cost of a condom judged against the longer operation time. In theory, the intermediate solution with (M+N-1) should also occur as a candidate solution, but this requires such narrow windows on M, N and the cost parameters to be optimal that it is often ignored.

   Warning: This is a mathematical exercise.
You should not implement this concept with real condoms and real people.
Such action is likely to be exceedingly unsafe.


## From Timeline of the future in forecasts

If User:John-1107 completes school and college (please note that all of the events are unexpectedly scheduled to change)...

### Artificial Intelligence, robotics, and Biology

• 2016-2050 - Create various half-human and half-AI and half-animal,half-human, and half-AI races

and sentient nonhuman robots for household, business, and the military.

### Space and Time Travel

• 2021 - Conduct experiments on time travel to find out if time travel can become a reality.

-Upon Humankind's first landing on Mars, he will continue on in a spaceship that is used for diplomatic and secret military purposes with an ion engine to parts unknown to look for signs of civilized or other inhabited worlds. It doesn't matter if he returns with his secret mission completed or uncompleted....

## From Shit

Shit is a vernacular word in Modern English denoting the solid byproduct of digestion. It is an old and native English word, but following the Norman Conquest, French and Latin terms for many common objects and bodily functions began to be seen as more distinguished than natively-derived words, and thenceforth, feces became the accepted English noun, to defecate became the accepted English verb, and shit was no longer flung about in polite company.

## From Mia Farrow

Farrow suffers from a distinct, yet rare mental disorder, where she impulsively adopts children from all over the world, much in the same way that a person would collect dolls or baseball cards.

## From Trinity Broadcasting Network

The Totally Bogus Network, or TBN, is the world's largest Christian television network, with a larger U.S. viewership than its three main competitor networks combined. TBN was founded in 1973 by Paul and Jan Crouch. TBN now owns twenty-three U.S. full-power television stations and 252 low-power rural stations, is carried on over six thousand television stations, and boasts five million viewer households per week in the U.S. It is also carried on thousands of cable television systems in seventy-five countries around the world, with its programs translated into eleven languages.

According to the TBN website, TBN has several hundred affiliate stations, although just 61 of these stations are regular UHF or VHF stations. The rest are low-powered stations, requiring a viewer to be within several miles of the transmitter.But who really believes what they have to say?

## Sdoof

One of the apostles of the devil.

Also, the thing you get if you turn foods backwards, thus proving foods is in fact a conspiracy.

## Baby satyr

Birth and Description

Baby satyrs (presatyricus horiniciae) are a subspecies of satyrs (satyricus horniciae) produced via transubstantiation during the bacchanal celebrations following severe head trauma to revelers. Generally, copious amounts of alcohol ingestion by parent are a necessary precursor to baby satyr production. Upon birth, the baby satyr will generally be at least as drunk as the individual who spawned them, perhaps due to their low body weight and high rate of metabolism. Most baby satyrs are merry drunks, and are generally expected by social convention to share from their bottomless wine jugs, which they carry upon emerging from the individual's aural canal. However, it is rumoured that some baby satyrs spawned in the orgiastic celebrations of the Yanomano tribes of South America can be very mean drunks, and while they share wine with the victorious tribesman of a recent conflict, they may repeatedly headbutt inquisitive anthropologists in the groin.

Basic Principles of Baby Satyr Mutualism

The vast majority of baby satyrs, aka horned babies, gladly share their lifeblood, or jug wine, with fellow revelers of all species. It is rumored that there exists a hoof-fondling procedure which will result in the complete remittance of a baby satyr's jug of wine. However, this procedure is not well understood and might possibly be an old wives' tale. The basic procedure for procuring swigs of wine from baby satyrs involves fondling their budding horn nubs. The baby satyr will reflexively lift the jug in front of him or her and slip into a trance-like state, at which time the dipsomaniac must swiftly lift both hands off the horn buds and grab the jug. The dipso must pour the wine quickly into his or her mouth before the satyr grins and grabs the jug back. If the reveler refuses to acquiesce to the satyrs' wishes at this time, she might receive a swift headbutt to the groin. Baby satyrs are merry but selfish with their booze!

## En, Wikipedia

The etymology of En, the capital of Wikipedia, can be traced back to neighbours of the wikipedians, the misterious Kiwipedians. These Kiwipedians were worshipers of the letter N (silly isn't it ?), and they built this huge building in the shape of this letter N, so huge that people from miles away were able to see it. Probably the Wikipedians saw it too, and adopted it as the name of their capital.

However, this theory is contested by many specialists in Wikipedian history, and many Wikipedians have no clue as to what is the name of their capital, but it's easy to imagine they will never admit that the name of their capital comes from the Kiwipedians.

## Grand Unified Theory of Delivered Pizza

The Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza, is a theory in culinary physics that collates the disparate factors involved in the quantitive measure of a delivered pizza's palatability. The equation is as follows:

${\displaystyle Q={\frac {PT}{t(1+i)}}}$

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Bennetts, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

i is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. i takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, has been named "The Paisan Scale". To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Bennetts, with a price of about \$12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Paisan Scale.

A few more disjointed but important discoveries have been made in the field of pizza delivery physics:

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:
${\displaystyle t={\frac {Beta}{D}}}$
Where Beta is a constant in m * s.
2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):
${\displaystyle lifetime={\frac {P(avg)T(avg)Alpha}{Q(avg)}}}$
Check the units. They work out.
3. Breiding's Law: The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.
4. Davis's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.
5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.
6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "KTs," and K is the "KT Constant."
${\displaystyle f(cheese)={\frac {c^{K}}{sauce}}}$
1. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:
${\displaystyle thickness={\frac {sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv}{f(cheese)m(cheese)a(car)K}}}$
2. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.
3. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.
• Corollary to the Blue Effect: A pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.
4. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.
5. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:
${\displaystyle e_{n}^{2}}$
6. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.