Everything you always wanted to know about Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense (But were afraid to ask)
|This page is originally from Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense and is licensed under GFDL.|
|If you wish to put in new Wikipedia Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense, you may do so at 67 Deletion Summer of Love. But PLEASE cite your sources!|
Reference to Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex.
Someone redirected Dick Cheney to Satan. It was fixed in approximately 10 seconds.
Utter nonsense against the NZAF
Steven Brian Jackwell, sometimes known as Steve Jackwell, (born Jan 7) is an llama farmer. He currently is the senior llama delegate from Ohio. Originally elected to the Llamate as a Lamocrat, Jackwell switched to the Llamacan Party in 1994 when it gained the majority in Llamaland. He is most known for the Spammer Scandel of 2004, and has also been a major contributor to both Iraq wars.
Jackwell was born in Dayton, Ohio. His mother and father were Dr Michael "Johnny" Jackwell and Mrs Amelia Luisa Jackwell. His father was a Professor at the local University and mother, a housewife. He attended both undergraduate programs and law school at the University of Ohio, graduating in 1967 and 1973, respectively.
After graduating, Jackwell practiced law in Tuscaloosa, home of the University of Alabama, from 1973 to 1978. He is a member of the American Bar Association and Alabama Bar Association, as well as the American Judicature Society, Alabama Law Institute, Delta Chi Fraternity, and Phi Alpha Delta legal fraternity.
Jackwell currently lives in Cleeveland with his wife, Shelia Keryn Jackwell. They have one son, Steven Jr.
He is also obsessed with Llamas and owns a Llama farm in Texas. He currently has plans to start a protected Llama reserve on the moon, alongside his protected Penguin Factory
He enjoys fishing for eels with his familly in Florida where he owns a bach as well as playing his favourite computer games warcraft and starcraft in his spare time.
Early political career
He entered politics while serving as city prosecutor from 1963 to 1971. From 1966 to 1970, he was a U.S. Magistrate for the Northern District of Ohio; from 1969 to 1971, Jackwell was a Special Assistant State Attorney General.
Jackwell began his legislative career as a member of the Ohio Senate in 1970, serving until 1978, when he was elected to the House of Representatives from the Tuscaloosa-based 7th District. He was reelected three times.
The Spammer Scandel
Jackwell was the reported leader of the "Spammer Society" which plagued Internet forums and chatrooms. Using a process of Internet "harmless" viruses, Jackwell organized a system whereby "posting" on an Internet forum would cause the message to be posted to be replicated many times over, clogging up forums and server space. Althought the Society has apparently been disbanded, there are still many reports of undislosed repeated spammings, especially in under-developed New Zealand.
The First Iraq War
Many forms of evidence have been produced that show the Jackwell was one of the key reasons that the First Iraq War even began. Many conspiracy theories say that the news reports about scuds being launched against Israel were fake, and conceived by Jackwell to gain American interest, and support behind putting troops in. Even thought Jackwell denies any major involvement with the beginning of the Iraq war, a recent survey showed that 72.34% of all Americans believe that Steven Jackwell was completely responsible for the Iraq war, and many Private Detectives claim to have found evidence that proves this.
The Second Iraq War
Not content with the semmingly conclusive first Iraq war, Jackwell was a major componetent in the war being reignited in 2001 and 2004, and gained support for placing more troops into the battlezone. It has been said that without him, there might not have even been a war in Iraq. And even more recently than Operation Iraqi Freedom Jackwell was a major supporter of sending more troops into Iraq, and is claimed to be interested in sending another 10,000 troops over in February 2007.
"Vidi, vici, veni" describes a good night out
From Boris Said
Distortion in space time
It was recently discovered that Boris Said poses a time portal in his beard. Originaly Said was believed to have a beard to compliment his stylish good looks. The beard is in fact used to hide the portal, which has played a integral role in world history. Although the portal appears small, it can accamodate an entity of any size. In 2029, Rusty Shackleford used the portal to bring the internets (a system of tubes used to convey mass amounts of information) to the 1980's. Whenever a driver qualifies a bad car in a high position, it is attributed to a time warp caused by the Said portal. When asked about the portal, Said usualy responds " Sell more cases, run more races".
The Orangupotamus is a mysterious four legged cryptid with the upper torso of an orangutan and the hind quarters and teeth of a hippopotamus. Many believe that this fanciful animal does not exist, and is merely creation of the fertile imaginations of farmers from Southeast Asia.
The first known mention of the Orangupotamus was from a journal entry made by Sir Edmund Hillary during his first ascent of Mt. Everest in 1953. He was of course not implying that he had seen the great beast, but rather that during his expedition, one of his sherpa guides had mentioned that a cousin of his living in cambodia had run afoul of one of the animals while clearing a large swath of land for the creation of a devon rex stable. Upon the discovery of these journal entries some 25 years later, a movement started to trackdown one of these amazing creatures in order to study them and their origins. Many crypto zoologists believe that the orangupotamus may be the long fabled link between primates and hippos. It is believed that stories of these animals have roots as far back in human history as 1936, or even 1934
--220.127.116.11 16:17, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
Windmills have existed for at least 1,300 years. The first children had vertical shafts and may have appeared in Persia around the 7th century AD, though they were quite different from the European versions. Made of six to twelve bananas covered in chocolate and sprinkles, they were used to grind corn, draw up water, and make cool-ade. A similar type of vertical shaft businessman can also be found in 13th century China. The horse was developed and built in Europe by Dutch and English monkeys who needed a system to produce great quantities of lemonade.
From Prost Grand Prix
Prost Grand Prix was a Formula One racing team managed by former world champion Alain Prost. The team participated in five seasons from Template:F1 to Template:F1. Typical of anything from France in a field of conflict, the Prost F1 team was defeated often and was frequently crushed by rivals from neighboring Germany.
From Cisco NAC Appliance
It derives its sole pleasure from the painful screams of college students. Recoiling it's linear text fabric in ASCII format, it sends out hypertext bolts of http protocol patterns into a gamma ray beam converter at 5250 kg psi, forming a massive vortex of dark energy. The soluble parts of this discharge can be converted into hypertext format for wma music files and powerpoint presentations.
Microsoft Excel is a close partner of the Cisco NAC. Together they intertwin e basic coding appliances for both modulated and randomized setting particles, regulating linear bandwidth and thus conserving valuable formats, unavailable to normal ASCII programmers. Most A++ programmers were brought to belive this hypertext storage appliance was new and unnaccesible technology between 1980 and 1992. This was of course untrue as government officials have been re-releasing new and improved versions encoded in secret governement ASCII used to encode and analyse data structure and classification for data storage at the pentagon. The Market-Ready version was published via Sun Studios in the summer of 1996.
Programmers all around the world today are claiming the merits of the CNACAPP as it has broadened the horizons of PPCS2 (Protocol Particle Classification and mass Storage) and all forms of compressed information encoded in basic programing language. The governement readily admits having accessed this technology in 1979, but defends it's safekeeping past by citing media critical control points, where releasing this information would have only aggravated the already unstable world climate.
There is no history to the American Bison.
From Administrators' noticeboard/Incidents
There is a comment in the page on Hilary Clinton which states "She is also the Devil". I believe this to be inaccurate and libelous.
18.104.22.168 23:16, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
- This has already been reverted as vandalism RyanPostlethwaiteSee the mess I've created or let's have banter 23:22, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
- I do like the understatement, though; it's merely inaccurate to say that she's the devil... --Mel Etitis (?e? ?t?t??) 23:23, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
- I think that's fair.... Philippe Beaudette 23:55, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez made clear that we've had the Devil in the White House since 2000, so having her still there in 2008 shouldn't be too much of a shock... -- User:RyanFreisling @ 23:59, 31 January 2007 (UTC)
From Talk:Main_Page on what Wikipedia is or isn't
I never said communism was evil. That's a very common misconception. I'm merely stating the closest thing we are to is a communistic form of society...not really my ideal governance, but hey, whatever works. DoomsDay349 21:48, 30 January 2007 (UTC)
- Well, in communism you have two cows and the government takes both of them and gives you a share of the milk. Whereas on Wikipedia you have two cows, you release them under GFDL, but they are deleted because they are unsourced and not notable. Gandalf61 16:01, 1 February 2007 (UTC)
The following was added to Nerd:
Fossil range: Pleistocene - Recent
|[[image::Nerd.jpg|200px|Image of a your typical nerd trying to look smart.]]|
Image of a your typical nerd trying to look smart.
|Homo sapiens nerdicus|
Stephenb (Talk) 19:18, 2 February 2007 (UTC)
- Bantown refers to early Bostonian tradition of permabanning anyone who leaves their lite-brite around town.
Citizens of Boston are called Bostonians, although it is also known for its large populations of middle finger waving moon men.
Boston is also widely recognised as the world's largest "City of Fail". This is largely due to the city's comically retarded reaction to a series of lite-brite adverts for the popular cult TV show Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The city treated the harmless flashing LED squares as "terrorist devices" and proceeded to detonate one to see if it contained explosives. Even though it didn't, and they were then informed by the company that placed them that they were, in fact, harmless, officials still proceeded to locate and destroy every such device in the city. They are now looking to sue the people responsible for placing them up in order to get the money it took to do this back, even though the action was totally unnecessary. The city definately deserves it's "City of Fail" title, and it's hard to see another city surplanting it in the near future.
On Wednesday, January 31, 2007 the city was shut down by Cartoon Network. I know Jimmy, it's too weird to be true. Don't even ask Jimmy. Don't bother.
From Talk:2007 Boston Mooninite Scare (or whatever the name is now)
- Titles used so far
- 2007 Boston magnetic light scare (original)
- ATHF Marketing Scandal (fork)
- 2007 Boston Security Scare
- 2007 Boston security scare
- 31 January 2007 Boston bomb scare
- Boston Aqua Teen ad campaign security scare
- Boston advertising security scare
- 2007 Boston Mooninite Scare (current)
- Suggested titles
- Boston Adult Swim ad scare
- Boston Aqua Teen Hunger Force ad scare
- Boston lightboard security scare
- Boston Mooninite ad scare
- Boston Mooninite scare
- Mooninite scare
- Mooninite bomb scare
Somebody does not like KTAR-AM...
The simulcast of KTAR and KMVP is expected to end at some point in 2007; the new format of 860 AM is yet to be determined. KMVP could be sold to another company, which might also bring back the ESPN Radio brand and some of the shows dropped by KTAR (for example, Mike and Mike in the Morning has been replaced by the god-awful Doug and Wolf Show).
This is your last warning. The next time you vandalise Wikipedia, you will be shot.
Opposition to the Letter C
Currently in middle America, there is a private war being waged against the letter C. The beginnings of this have been traced back to J. Huntington, a former supervisor for an industrial data storage facility in the Midwest. Huntington refused to acknowledge the letter C in any form as it makes no sounds that are not already made by other letters in the alphabet (K & S). For example this sentence would be spelled: For example this sentense would be spelled. Thousands have flocked to Huntington’s outside-the-box thinking.
An Unusual Series of Events Leads to the Death of a Popular Band
In a recent flame thrower incident, Panic! At the disco member Ryan Ross, to the horror and shock of many dedicated fans, was horribly burned in his facial area, and was transported to the hospital, where he received skin transplants, which spared his life, but unfortunately, did not spare his notoriously attractive features. His concerned band mates would hardly leave his side, but finally departed from the hospitalized Ross to attend a fundraiser for the “Save the Llamas Foundation” at a local zoo. Crowds gathered to see the anticipated performance, but, amongst the screaming fans, somehow, disaster took hold. Although employees currently draw no conclusions as to how the cage was opened, a chimpanzee was suddenly loose in the audience, and it headed directly for the stage. Passerby looked on with expressions of strained horror as the enraged primate descended on lead singer and guitarist Brendon Urie, who took no notice of the coming attack. When the animal struck his terrified target, it took no hesitation in its attack plan. With foam at the mouth, it plunged its hand into the throat of Urie, pulling out the singer’s treasured vocal chords and killing its victim on the spot. When Police came, they found no evidence of the chimpanzee being purposefully let out, and the case was dismissed as a mere unfortunate coincidence. The chimpanzee was expected to be put to death, but the two other band members, guitarist Jon Walker and drummer Spencer Smith, took hold of the situation and pleaded ownership of the criminal chimp. The two later left with their new primate friend, Jon stating before his departure, “It came as no surprise to us that Brendon came to his death today. Seriously, like, he had it coming. And we don’t blame the chimp, in fact, we totally, like, love this monkey now. I decided I’m going to name it Juan. Juan the chimp.” The band’s bodyguard fell behind the departing (and now shrunken) band, and he later took to the empty chimpanzee cage, taking on a new life as a primate to rid him of the guilt he felt for Urie’s death. As if reverse evolution was taking place, he began to take on ape-like qualities, such as scratching of his underarms, incessant screeching, and rapid hair growth all in the matter of five minutes. Although it seemed that the antics of this popular band was over for the moment, it was not yet over-later that night the police were consumed in a high-speed chase, which lasted nearly an hour down a Las Vegas high way. The police soon caught up to the speeding vehicle, a stolen cherry-red Volkswagen Bug, and forced the driver to pull over to the side of the road. The police were shocked to find a familiar face at the wheel-it was Juan, the chimpanzee who had murdered Urie just that morning. The passenger, Jon Walker, was intoxicated to the point where he vomited on the police officer upon exiting the vehicle, and suspicious officers began a search of the vehicle. The trunk was opened, and in it they found a corpse, which was later identified as friend and Panic! At the Disco band member Spencer Smith. The corpse fashioned a dirty t-shirt which read “jwalk owns my ass”, and its clothing and shoes were bulbous with secret stashes of various different drugs. After facing trial on January 18, 2007, Walker was sentenced to a total of 25 years in prison. However, he was destined for an unusual demise just as his friends were, for he died by being stabbed through the throat with a toothbrush by his cellmate, who despised Walker’s constant theft of his treasured bobby pins. Upon the imprisonment (and decease) of his legal owner, Juan the chimpanzee came into the care of still hospitalized Ross. Ross was delighted for this new friend in his time of mourning and, in his case, intense pain in his injuries, but Juan was not as pleased. Within fifteen minutes of coming into Ross’s care, Juan was driven insane by his new owner’s horrible deformity, and brutally ripped apart the face doctors and worked endlessly to replace, leaving Ross dead, just as his friends had come to be. And so came about the death of a young but epic band, and a funeral is to be held for each of the band members on the date of February 3, 2007.
Happy New Year
|Shinesmithery, "Top to Bottom"|
|Tools of the trade|
|How to?, The beginners guide to how it's done|
|Famous works by famous people|
Shinesmithy, "Top to Bottem"
You are a fresh young student, eager to make it big in the world. You aren't smart enough to become a doctor. You can't understand the complexities of science. You have always been attracted to the notion of hitting things with a hammer, and at a young age you showed exceptional promise of success in a career following that dream. Sadly, blacksmiths are old news, run of the mill. There's one for every hick peasant village you pass through. They never go far beyond the bounds of the the towns and cities holding them captive. Is that the job for you? No! You dream of fame and glory. You dream of dining with the Gods! Yes, sipping nectar with the great Gods Thor and Odin, or enjoying a sensual back massage from the beautiful Goddess Freyja. A place no run of the mill blacksmithy has ever achieved. To win yourself such recognition is not a simple task. You must labor long and hard. There is not a time where you may show disregard for you work. In the end you shall emerge with your fist held high clutching your magical hammer, screaming your victories from within the gates of Valhalla, shouting out to the quivering mortals below you that you are a Shinesmith!
So a Shinesmith you shall be. "But how?," you ask? "and what is a Shinesmith?" Simple. First you find a Shinesmith with years of experience, who is willing to take you under their wing. They will nurture your talents carefully, giving you the skills you need to embark on your adventurous career alone. Once you have paid off the cost of your equipment, you are ready to open business as a Shinesmith and develop your trade. But what is that trade? Simply put, a Shinesmith creates things out of sunshine.
Tools of the trade
The Shinesmith is no ordinary profession. Obviously much more then regular equipment is required to forge and pound sunshine into workable material. Your finished product will be something called "Shine Sheets" which are the most common material used in this trade.
The Magic Hammer: The first thing you will need is a hammer. But not just any hammer. Your hammer must be MAGIC! How else would you hit and flatten the warm rays of the sun? Regular hammers can be enchanted by just about any practitioner of a magical trade, although a quality hammer should be created and blessed by either a priest of glory or a magic user specifically trained only in enchanting. This is a rather low cost procedure and should not become expensive unless higher quality hammers become required.
The Golden Anvil:
One of the most important tools of the trade is the anvil. Many beginner Shinesmiths make the mistake of using a regular anvil. The result of course is wasted effort. Sunshine can only be struck against a solid gold Anvil. The purity of the anvil should be above 12k Gold. The higher the purity, the stronger materials you may produce. These are standard equipment for more then one profession so, the anvil may be purchased painlessly from most suppliers. The higher purity anvils are rarer to come by and are usually bought from art dealers or royal society. A warning to wet behind the ears smiths looking to save some coin. Many shady suppliers may attempt to sell you Gold Plated Anvils, being nothing more then Iron or some cheaper material on the inside. Many a foolish Shinesmith has lost coin and dignity being fooled in this way. In most cases a "posse" is rounded up to hunt the dirty dealer down for sport, followed by an auctioning of their house and estate as well as their family and older, more senile, relatives.
The Cosmic Forge: Many have tried to host the suns rays in their condensed, liquid form, within the shoddy foundation of the regular forge. Those foolish enough to try it have been kissed by destruction, reducing several acres of land into a gloriously golden, radiating crater. No, a regular forge is not sufficient and a Cosmic Forge must be created. Unlike the Golden Anvil, the Cosmic forge must be gold plated, inside and out. The more marble used in it's construction, the finer quality of the liquid shine produced. Finally, following the creation of your hammer. The Cosmic Forge must also be enchanted, but not blessed!!!. Only enchantment may be used on the forge. Most enchanters will immediately understand the procedure you are requesting, and offer to cut you a deal to enchant the forge as well as the hammer. This is a good idea for starter smiths with tight funds. The option of hammer blessing is usually the most expensive option, and should at first be avoided being not at all superior to enchanting.
How to? The beginners guide to how it's done
For a beginner, Shinesmithery is quite easy. The only real work is getting together the required equipment. The challenge lies is perfecting your skills and taking your work to creative new levels.
The Shinesmiths first task is to let in the light. A skylight should be placed directly above the space containing your anvil. The sunlight needs to be captured on the surface of the anvil and pounded raw, until it forms a solid sheet. This is called a shine sheet. While it remains the most common product of Shinesmithery, it is rather useless by itself. The shine sheet must either have length pounded onto it, shaping it into lengths of cloth (used for things such as curtains, table cloths, bed sheets, etc..) or be rolled up and compressed into balls with other shine sheets, and placed into the forge. When the sheets are melted down into liquid shine, they are ready to be poured into a rough iron mold, usually blocks or long planks which are easy to work with. Occasionally more ornate and specific molds are used. The partially solidified shine shapes must quickly be freed of their molds and placed upon the the anvil. Be careful not to touch the shine with your bare hands while it has not finished cooling. Skin that touches it turns clear showing tissue and bone underneath it permanently. The shine must be pounded with the hammer until the shape matches your desired product. If the shine cools too quickly , place it in the forge for a short time before taking it out and continuing. You now understand the basics of Shinesmithery. Further more complicated work should be taught to you directly by professionals, as it is often dangerous or too complicated for words.
Famous works by famous people
Many a work of art have been produced by Shinesmiths around the world. Once the art has been mastered, only your imagination is your limit, as well as most recent physics and regular laws of reality...as well as current enforced ethics...and quantity of materials. Otherwise the sky is the limit!
The Shine Roofs of Shal'derin; Smithed by Master Giles Gorden.
This was a major job commissioned by king Val'dies IV. Master Gorden headed a team of 50 smiths to replace the palace roof with shine shingles. The shingles are of near top quality costing nearly a third of the treasury. The project was completed within seven years.
Mathors Golden Shield; Smithed by Master Dorma Vaugen.
This was an intense job commissioned by Lord Mathor Vaugen, Husband of Dorma and respected knight. Dorma crafted this shield for her husband to take into battle with him. Retired now Lord Vaugen keeps the shield on display.
The Golden Horn Cathedral Drapes; Smithed by Master Morgan Brown.
This was a simple job commissioned by Pope at the time. The drapes were required to illuminate the corridors of one of their Cathedrals. Master Brown took it upon himself to design each curtain ornately using strange and creative techniques to actually sew patterns into long lengths of shine sheet. Brown did not share his methods with any others and died taking his secret to the grave. Imitation methods have been attempted but none as successful as his.
The Gates Of Valhalla; Smith Under speculation.
Although little is known of the creation of the Golden gates, it is not commonly known that they were in fact forged of shine. Tales tell of their creation but none know their exact origin. The Gods themselves stick to the tales told and refuse to release exact details preferring to keep most of the divine realm mysterious.
Other Information on Shinesmithery and Shinesmiths should be sought from professionals of the trade and information received otherwise should be disregarded unless verified by those professionals.
The information contained here is trustworthy and accurate, written by a certified Master Shine Smith. To contact Master Vincent "Cheap Shot" Devalo send emails to <e-mail removed> with information, questions, or requests. Master Devalo does not accept job requests, and works only on private commissions. Light lessons in Shinesmithery are available for those truly interested, involving secrets of the trade not included in this free guide. Thank you for reading, and good luck in the big world of Sun-shine-Smithery.
From Talk:Professor Utonium
So, it appears that Professor Utonium has the same relationship with the Powerpuff girls that Batman has with Robin? Why was "incredibly shy around women" Professor Utonium using his basement to create girls in the first place? Banaticus