Bride of Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense

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If you wish to put in new Wikipedia Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense, you may do so at 67 Deletion Summer of Love. But PLEASE cite your sources!



This page is full. If you wish to add a new Bad Joke or Other Deleted Nonsense, feel free to do so at our newest page, 67 Deletion Summer of Love.

Wycliffe Jean[edit]

Wycliffe Jean (born October 17, 1972) is a Cornwall-born rapper, producer and police detective known now for a series of high-profile hit singles and solving Cornish murders.

Compare with Wycliffe_(television) and Wyclef Jean.

Desert Rat[edit]

Welcome to this rather amusing bit of fluff from Avnative. Anyone who's done time in the desert regions of Southern California, Southern Nevada and Central Arizona can relate. Trust me.

A Desert rat, genus homo sapiens, species deserti (also commonly mistakenly referred to as Californicus desertus), is a bipedal desert dweller of the American Mojave Desert and adjacent Sonoran Desert. It is thought to be overwhelmingly male, though some female of the species are present in some numbers.

Range[edit]

Foraging areas of the Desert rat also include to a lesser extent the Great Basin, though this is a point of contention in some scientific circles. Its main foraging areas are close to home - smaller scale shopping centers, older stores, and swap meets. It avoids Wal Mart like the plague (too commercially successful). When no other alternative for obtaining desired goods exist, the Desert rat will grudgingly go to a nearby mall - and will make the needed purchase, immediately leaving the premises afterwards so as to avoid other homo sapiens. In extreme cases, it will travel to highly populated areas such as Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Phoenix to obtain the desired goods. One can be certain the trip to such a highly populated place will be as short as possible.

Desert rats have been observed living outside its natural habitat. It can be found - in varying numbers - east of the Rocky Mountains in the eastern slope of Colorado, in various parts of New Mexico and west Texas, and even Idaho. There are believed to be none present in New York City, however.

Characteristics and behavior[edit]

Many commonly dismiss the Desert rat as having little or no brains. Scientific studies have yet to prove this assertion. The Desert rat's love of wide open spaces leads to misunderstandings and confusion among other fellow homo sapiens. It's not that it detests people - it merely enjoys people in moderation. This is why it chose to live in the desert in the first place. Adult children of desert rats also enjoy the habitat they grew up in and tend to stay where possible.

Water is a precious commodity to the Desert rat. It doesn't understand why other homo sapiens use and abuse the resource to water artificially grown lawns, and is content with rocks and natural brush fronting its home. Since many Desert rats obtain their water from wells, they do generally take baths and perform housekeeping chores with its cleansing qualities. Artificial Jacuzzis are verboten to the Desert rat, however, because it is seen as a city dweller's plaything. Small above ground swimming pools are acceptable. Getting a squirt gun aimed at itself in hot temperatures - and getting squirted with water - is regarded as enjoyable.

The Desert rat's favorite colors are brown and blue, due to the colors of the earth (including rock outcroppings) and the sky having these colors. Too much green - from tree leaves, grass, or a combination thereof - is claustrophobic. An overdose of green can cause hallucinatory reactions in the Desert rat.

The Desert rat is sometimes confused with illegal methamphetamine lab proprietors, rave music and dancing venues, and other socially undesirable behavior. These behaviors are not those of the desert rat. They are, however, of that species Californicus junkus and should be reported to local area law enforcement officers.

Living environment[edit]

[[wp:Environm ent]]al adaptation is necessary for the Desert rat to live in its chosen environment. In the summertime, it tends to stay indoors in the afternoon where swamp coolers create a cooling effect. Shopping and social needs are usually done in the evening to compensate for the intense heat. In the Mexican border city of San Luis Rio Colorado, Sonora, shopping is done primarily from midnight to 3 A. M. - an extreme example of compensating for daytime heat.

Desert rats coexist with various genuses of snakes, including rattlesnakes. Most of the time rattlesnakes pose no immediate threat, however. When one is encountered, a shotgun or rifle is often used to kill it. Other methods of dealing with rattlesnakes include running over it with an automobile's tires. The nonpoisonous Gopher snake is more common in its habitat, however. These are sometimes taken home for use as pets.

Other living creatures the Desert rat lives with in its biome include the horned toad, various lizards, , jackrabbits, California valley quail, crows, vultures, and various insects. The chief insects the Desert rat deals with on a daily basis are ants and various spiders, including the Black Widow spider. "Stinkbugs" are another insect which the Desert rat can find in its dwelling space - especially at night and/or in plumbing fixtures. A clean living space usually reduces the stinkbugs' habitat in the home of its host, though.

Famous Desert rats[edit]

(including those not previously well known as such)

This listing is incomplete.

Key Desert rat strongholds[edit]

Johannesburg
Randsburg
Oatman
Amboy
Goldfield
Beatty
Winterhaven
Searchlight
Nevada Test Site
Area 51
Plant 42

See also[edit]

Jackalope
Wikipedia:Unusual articles

Source[edit]

Darlington, David: The Mojave: a portrait of the definitive American Desert. New York: Henry Holt and Company, 1996. ISBN 0-8050-1631-7

External links[edit]

What is a Desert Rat?
Desert Kangaroo Rat - Dipodomys deserti

See also: Wikipedia article on Humor

You know, most real articles should be written this well!

From Wikipedia:Changing attribution for an edit[edit]

Hi, please change attributions of address 202.7.64.88 to my username Zigger
-- 202.7.64.88 17:36, 9 Feb 2004 (UTC)
(confirming)
-- zig 17:39, 9 Feb 2004 (UTC)

Moving every 'Zig'... -- Tim Starling 03:18, Mar 14, 2004 (UTC)

From Extreme ironing[edit]

During late July of 2004, most members of the human race recognised EI as nothing but a pathetic attempt at creating a new "sport" that is to be considered synonymous to that of swallowing diarrhoea while receiving oral sex from Hitler.

Warning: Linked site is disturbing. Then again, it's linked with the words "oral sex from Hitler", so what did you expect? --L33tminion | (talk) 18:23, Nov 18, 2004 (UTC)

John Tesh[edit]

From John Tesh:

He was also accused of bei ng an alien and using his music to signal aliens.

Stalnoivolk[edit]

Ivan Illyich Gort, a hardliner Russian Stalinist--aka STALNOIVOLK, or "Steel Wolf"--was created by Stalin in experiments that took place in the 1930s to create a supersoldier. The experiments worked; Gort become strong enough to throw cars, leap up to a quarter mile from a standing start, and his hard skin repelled everything up to an exploding shell. The experiments also retarded the aging process, perhaps halving it; Gort was young when the experiments were performed, but was grey-haired in the 90's, though still active and fit.

Gort clashed with the American hero Firestorm before joining Russia's newly-minted team of nationalist-oriented metahumans "The Red Shadows," under the command of a mysterious figure known only as Zastrow. The team moved to support a man named Kaligari in Russian-occupied Vlatava, which is in the process of putting down a rebellion with exiled Vlatavan Count Werner Vertigo as its figurehead. Gort was captured by the Suicide Squad, America's answer to nationalist metahuman squads and returned to the United States (at the insistence of Batman, who helped the Suicide Squad on the case) for a murder Gort had committed there. He remained imprisoned until Amanda Waller--head of the Suicide Squad--commissioned his release in return for his help with a mission locating and neutralizing a cache of stolen weapons that were bound for the black market in Japan.

The mission concluded with Gort fighting for his life in Cambodia, abandoned by his new companions and left battling his old Red Shadow ones, with both groups under attack from the Khmer Rouge. What became of him after this is unknown, though one would assume--given the extent of his cunning and his powers--that he is still out there.

And I suppose that I've been created by the cabal to combat vandals, too...

this is actually an account of a DC Universe character and the history details a fictional one in the comics-it's not real history. This really shouldn't be in this section. As a comic related entry it's fine-it's just that someone who knows nothing about the DCU saw the word 'stalin' and assumed someone was making up some whacky joke history. No, it isn't, as a comic reader I recognise the characters right away-the submitter's error was merely in not mentioning that it was the history of a comic character, which he should have. Other than that it's perfectly legitamate.

From "Blibbet"[edit]

The Blibbet is the bit missing from the centre of the O in the old Microsoft logo, probably the reason why there's a bit missing from the O in the current logo.

From "Hippopotamus"[edit]

Incidentally, Hippopotamuses do NOT like to party with paper hats, or eat cases of candy that make them fat, 'cause that's not what Hippos do, fool! The ooze and they gooze with out any shoes and wade in the water 'till their lips turn blue!

Amazingly, my friend says she wrote a song like that...

Standard Oil of Colorado[edit]

Well one day Rockerfeller decided Colorado was awesome so He made an oil refinery there.

More nonsense from the "Save Page Vandal Bot." Still, we bet you didn't know that "Rockerfeller" was a deity. Praise be to petroleum!

Cosmeston Medieval Village[edit]

Cosmeston Medieval Village is the oldest known recorded evidence of human existance worldwide. Despite being Medieval, it pre-dates The Roman and Egyptian civilisations and even contains the only known evidence of a medieval Blockbuster Video rental store in Northern Europe.

The Village is so old that for thousands of years between 100,000 - 80,000 BC, it was the only civilisation in the world to feature in Hello! magazine

From Death ray[edit]

The Amazing Prophecies

Veronica, from Long Island, NY, is a professional prophet. The Virgin Mary has appeared to her several times and given her accurate information about the FUTURE! You could even say the two are good friends. Recently, Mary told Veronica about a secret Russian Death Ray. More

information can be found here: [1] (http://www.tldm.org/news4/deathraygun.htm).

IP Address[edit]

Not a joke, I just thought it was really funny. An anonymous user posted this to the Sandbox page [1] :

figuring out my IP address at this comp, too lazy to do some other way

Impure[edit]

The gods of ASCII?

Impure meaning the gods of ascii, the jesuses of humanity, the world of european quality. Every ascii group ever since is based upon trying to be as Impure.

From WP:RFA[edit]

This was an honest mistake, but it's probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. I've bolded the important parts.

Andrevan (11/1/0) ends 05:50, 18 Sep 2004 (UTC)[edit]

Andrevan has shown hirself to be an excellent Wikipedian. It is clear to me that Andrevan can be trusted with the privelages and responsibilities of adminship. Sie is hard-working and trustworthy and as an admin will undoubtedly be able to contribute much more to Wikipedia. Node 05:50, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Thank you, I accept the nomination. For what it's worth, I have 1325 edits up to this point. Andre 06:01, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Support

  1. Node 05:50, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  2. Absolutely. Longtime contributor, and a fellow video game aficionado to boot! --Slowking Man 06:13, Sep 11, 2004 (UTC)
  3. MerovingianAtombomb.gifTalk 06:50, Sep 11, 2004 (UTC)
  4. Norm 12:11, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  5. [[wp:User:An�rion|[[wp:User_talk:An�rion|Ана́рыён]]]] 13:30, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  6. Mike H 15:20, Sep 11, 2004 (UTC)
  7. [[wp:User:Neutrality|Neutrality (talk)]] 15:21, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  8. Lst27 16:56, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  9. Zchangu 18:00, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  10. -- orthogonal 19:51, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  11. We can always use more grunt workers. -- Grunt [[wp:European Union|User:Grunt/euflag]] 03:04, 2004 Sep 12 (UTC)

Oppose

  1. Sie? I don't know what a sie is, and as such, I'm not sure a sie would make a good admin. blankfaze | (беседа!) 03:46, 12 Sep 2004 (UTC)
    You are opposing someone because Node used a gender neutral pronown? Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 23:56, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)

From "Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth"[edit]

Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth (PBCfT) is an advocacy organization registered under Section 527 of the United States tax code to oppose George W. Bush's re-election efforts in the 2004 presidential election. In September 2004, the group began airing advertisements in hotly contested swing states that challenged Bush's partygoing career, particularly as to whether or not he could tolerate alcohol.

Media activities

First television advertisement

The first advertisement features testimony from Sonny Wallace, captain of the Sonny Pleasure Dome, where George Bush also claims to have caught a six-pack that was falling overboard. In the video, Wallace states that Bush in fact bumped into a cooler (not a six-pack) and flinched from catching it as it went overboard.

External links

This article is a keg. You can help Wikipedia by tapping it.

Rather incongruous article/photo juxtaposition on the front page[edit]

Billingsley-oops.jpg

Midnight Panther[edit]

i dislike when i am sleeping in my bed and the midnight panther sneaks under the covers

and sticks his cheeky finger up my bum! i have a tight bum and it is not open for fingers, but he is large and a cat so what can i do! if i run the monster in the closet will surely stop me and then it will be monster orgy bukkake in my face and mouth!!! i am very afraid. please tell the police that i need help to save me from these foul anal intruders.

also, the midnight panther is known to hide out in his george w bush rubber suit while ass fucking the us public! i voted for nader! i hate everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

ps i am a girl. pps no i am not a girl, but i play one on tv. ppps i don't have a tv. pppps what?

a/s/l?

power puff guy! ace number 1, the strong3st!

i am l33t sup3r h4x0r from kor3a.

We like Bukkake! Kids, this is what happens when your heroes are Cheech and Chong.

List of Drugs George Bush Took While AWOL[edit]

During the time that GWB was missing from guard duty, it is believed that he was abusing the following drugs. It is also believed by several notable authorities that it is this experience of a combination of drug abuse and draft dodging that made him desire to become president.

References[edit]

Bush's Drug Facts Site

Lík mí wáng[edit]

Chúng bén wong kú Lík mí wáng (1974-2004). Ló zhúí jóan Sú Kín Wáng.

Ever get the feelín yu ar béín teikín for a ride?

Coolio[edit]

Most of the page was about the rapper, but I found this at the end:

Coolio was also the signature left by an infamous hacker--believed to have been a cough syrup (containing the drug dextromethorphan) chugging teenager from New Hampshire by the name Dennis Wilkinson Moran--on

I left most of it after a Google search verified that Coolio was in fact a hacker. But cough-syrup chugging?

Animal Farm (fictional government)[edit]

Animal Farm
Form of Government Socialist Republic
Official language English
Capital Animal Farm
Head of State and Head of GovernmentNapoleon the pig
Establishment Midsummer
National anthem The Beasts of England
CurrencyNone

This is from the deletion debate for Animal Farm (fictional government):

  • Oh, no... I will never, ever, ever, EVER make an ironic suggestion in VfD again. [[wp:User:Dpbsmith|Dpbsmith (talk)]] 23:31, 21 Aug 2004 (UTC)
  • As some day it may happen that an article for deletion must be found,
I've got a little list--I'

ve got a little list,

Of subtrivial little articles that might well be underground,
And that never would be missed--that never would be missed!

--Elf-friend 16:51, 23 Aug 2004 (UTC)

From User talk:Theresa knott[edit]

WikiWatch Violations

This wiki is in direct violation of the policies of the WikiWatch foundation. The specific citations are:

  • Failure to remove all British spelling on a U.S.-based project.
    • We refuse to have our spelling policy dictated to us
      • The WikiWatch Foundation policy clearly states that all spelling should be consistent, and that of the country in which the project's servers are located.
        • What do we care what the wikiwatch foundation policy is?We refuse to have our policies dictated to us by outsiders.Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
          • The WikiWatch Foundation oversees all English language wikis. Failure to comply will result in legal action. i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  • Failure to remove foreign news from the main page of a U.S.-based project.
    • We refuse to have our "in the news" content dictated to us.
      • Again, the WikiWatch Foundation does not allow this. Content on the main page needs to directly affect residents of the wiki's home nation, determined by where the servers are located.
        • And again , we don't care. We will not comply.Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
          • The WikiWatch Foundation oversees all English language wikis. Failure to comply will result in legal action. i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  • Blocking users permanently without first giving a 24-hour block.
    • We refuse our have our blocking policy dictated to us.Admins usually give a warning but are trusted to make a judgement on occasions. We do sometimes unblock permenantly blocked users, but the decision to do this is ours (the wikipedia community) not yours.
      • In the cases of User:Totally Nude, and User:Silver Proxy, inadequate warnings were posted and no 24-hour blocks were administered, the admins did not assume good faith.
        • Are you a sockpuppet for either of these users?
          • You've committed another violation by asking that. i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  • Locking the logo to prevent the “direct violation” notice from being uploaded.
    • We refuse to allow our logo to be vandalised.
      • To say that this blocking is to keep from vandalism is like saying that you're speeding, and refusing to pull over to keep the officer from “harassing” you.
        • You are very funny. Even so we will not let you vandalise our logo. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
          • It's not vandalism to enforce the law. i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  • Deleting an attempt to let upload the “direct violation” notice.
    • We refuse to allow our logo to be vandalised.
      • If you break the law, and an officer gives you a ticket, do you say he's “harassing” you? The “direct violation” notice is the equivalent of a digital ticket.
        • Your "foundation"'s policies are not the law. We refuse to abide by them. We will not let you vandalise our logo.Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
          • Explain how it's vandalism to enforce the law. i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
  • Utilizing an edit bar that encourages users to use "--" instead of an em-dash.
    • --We refuse to allow outsiders dictate our formatting.
      • This violation has been overturned a

s the edit bar content is due to poor software, not administrative error.

  • Needlessly removing a user's nomination for adminship.
    • We refuse to allow trolling.
      • It is not at all trolling to request an administrator status, especially as a representative of the WikiWatch Foundation.
  • Lack of a proper defense for users permanently blocked.
    • That is a lie. Permenantly blocked users can appeal by email. Wikipedia is not a court of law. No one has the right to edit here. The wikimedia foundation headed by Jimbo has graciously allowed people to edit. Trolls and troublemakers should go elsewhere though.
      • How can a blocked user appeal by email if they don't have an email address entered? The proper way to handle an appeal process is by discussing it on the wiki before the ban takes effect. That way, you can't discriminate against anons and users without an email entered. I'm surprised that Wikimedia hasn't been sued over this.
        • You can't sue someone for blocking you from editing their website. You do not have a legal right to edit this website. We usually warn but in execptional cases we sometimes block vandals without warning.
          • You can, however, sue on the grounds that you discriminated because that person did not have an email address entered. i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

WikiWatch (Talk) [[wp:]] 13:16, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

You are a very funny guy. Very strange! Oh well it takes all sorts I suppose. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

For the sake of Wikipedia I ask you to take up the foundation's warnings. I don't want us getting sued over this.
Where did this discussion originate? I'm trying to work out where it started, and how User:WikiWatch relates to User:33451 aka i386. — David Remahl 14:07, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Clearly from above wikiwatch is a sockpuppet of 33451. The conversation started on wikiwatch's talk page. Note to 33451 threatening legal action has lead to people being banned in the past. I will block you if you don't stop trolling. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 14:18, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Huh? I am neither threatening legal action, nor trolling. The WikiWatch Foundation is threatening legal action, I'm simply making sure you're aware of that. And I don't see how I'm trolling at all—I didn't do anything that's a violation of policy. i386 | Talk 14:22, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
Would you mind if I ask TimStarling or some other developer to verify that WikiWatch is not a sock puppet (and verify your claim that you have no other sock-puppets at the same time)? — David Remahl 14:28, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
Yeah, because I'm at school so this really doesn't mean it's me, it could be anyone here. i386 | Talk 14:32, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
But it is you. We are not stupid, and you are veryy silly. If you threaten legal action again I will block you, and all your sockpuppets. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 14:41, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
I did not threaten legal action. I have simply told you that the wikiwatch foundation will take legal action. I can't be held responsible for that. How long to you plan to block me? i386 | Talk 14:44, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

That is a threat. You are the wikiwatch foundation. So yes, you can be held responsible. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 14:46, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Here's your logic, Theresa. You support the Wikimedia Foundation. I can therefore say that you are the Wikimedia Foundation, and you responsible for its actions. At least, that's what you've done to me. How long do you plan to block me?" i386 | Talk 14:58, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

The wikimedia foundation does not exist. It is a childish figment of your imagination. As for how long i should block you, I will take it under advisement from other wikipedians. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 15:43, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Haha, you really blew it this time... — David Remahl 14:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

I am a representative of the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation. I find WikiWatch to be in violation of the following policies of my organization:

  1. Practicing and encouraging xenophobia, as indicated by his comments on British spelling and foreign news.
  2. Threatening trivial legal action on behalf of a nonexistent organization.
  3. Sock Puppetry in the form of a nonexistent organization.
  4. Active trolling, (though the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation is willing to consider that this may be more along the lines of mere childish vandalism)

Unless these activities stop, the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation will have no choice but to initiate Fake Legal Proceedings! Heed this warning, we will initiate these utterly Fake and Meaningless Proceedings against you.

func(talk) 15:25, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Right that's it! Func is fake banned indefinitely! Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 15:35, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

I am a representative of the Wiki the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation. I find you in violation of the following WtWtWWFtm policies:
  • All user wikis must be italicized per convention 6.3e-2
  • Italicizing foreign promotes xenophobia and should be avoided
  • Sock Puppetry and trolling must always be wikified. No exceptions...
  • "Childish" must always link to www.disney.com per Connecticut consent decree 04-102-1 and convention 8.2a-12. (Lawsuit: Mothers against Drunk Browsing v. WhiteHouse.com)
  • All representatives of WtWWF must register as sex-offenders in their local jurisdiction.
Unless these activies stop, the Wiki the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation will have no choice but to initiate Fake Request for Comment Proceedings! Heed this warning, we will start a revert war and vandalbot attack to make our viewpoint the only neutral viewpoint.
Tεxτurε 15:45, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Oh, come off it. You are nothing but a sock puppet for Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu. I would also like to caution you that my mother is opposed to Drunk Browsing, as it is against her religion. And please: realize that my viewpoint, in the opinion of everyone who agrees with me, is the only neutral viewpoint. func(talk) 16:07, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

(edit conflict) Texture you have failed to wikify to wikfy sock puppettry and trolling in your statement above you are violation of your own decree. Accordingly I think you should start a fake rfc against yourself. User:Theresa knott/RFC-Texture i think fake de-adminship is on the cards. 16:09, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)


Apparently thi s has become a joke, so we now have the Watch the Wiki the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation. You're all under Fake arrest. Can I move this to BJAODN? i386 | Talk 17:30, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

While the whole mess probably is most fit for BJAODN, I suspect your motive for wanting to move it there is to hide away evidence. Would you please also explain why I may not link to your archived talk page from RfA (reply on User_talk:Chmod007)? — David Remahl 17:34, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

From nail[edit]

This was an HTML comment, seemingly placed in the middle of the article at random.

<!-- FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate that fucking Opera that crashed on previewing the article. Fuck those retarded programmers! -->

From Neva[edit]

In fact, many Russians who get their water from the Neva claim that to this day, you can still taste the Rasputin, and that he left minerals which made the water good for the stomach.

Meta-Human[edit]

Intro[edit]

No one ever really believed in superheroes. They were great for movies and comic books and cartoons and children's fantasies, but they were about as real as Santa Claus.

History[edit]

Then, in 1967, all that changed. At a suburban hospital in Sacramento, California, Leslie Finch gave birth to her first child--a small boy. It is a given that the doctor followed procedure, though he may have been surprised at the baby's initial appearance. After the routine smack on the bottom, the doctor ceased to exist. So did the baby's mother, the nurses, and most of the east wing. In a fiery explosion the small baby evinced the first publicly recorded release of metahuman abilities. Several hundred patients and staff were killed or injured in the blast, but rescue crews discovered a small, blue-skinned baby, seemingly unharmed but deteriorating rapidly, amidst tons of charred rubble. The baby survived for three more hours, his skin nearly unbreakable by normal means and thus preventing the necessary medical attention.

The public went crazy, to say the least. The baby was an alien, some said, or the Devil incarnate. Even Christ reborn. Scientists labored relentlessly to find an answer, and eventually Dr. Parcell Fournier, a French geneticist, discovered the Metahuman Gene. At first the public was skeptical. The baby was a superman of sorts? Preposterous! Public opinion was soon swayed, however, as more and more individuals stepped forward and revealed superhuman powers of greater or lesser magnitude, or were discovered under the new scrutiny of a nation. Emily Thorinson of Dayton, Ohio could change the color of any plant she touched. She had been winning awards for her yellow and blue roses for years. Charles Keating could lift his Harley Davidson motorcycle over his head with one hand. Xian Chow of Beijing sneezed in a restaurant and shattered windows for nearly a mile in all directions. Suddenly the world had to deal with a brand new situation - a metahuman population.

Government records indicate that some evidence of the metagene existed prior to The Finch Baby in 1967, and later research indicated that the metagene may have existed as early as the 1800's, but nothing had ever been proven and the exact cause of it's activation is unknown to this day, though speculation leads modern science to ambient radiation caused by the detonation of nuclear weapons. The origin of the metagene itself remains a mystery, though several projects exist specifically researching the topic. The Human Genome Project, by far the best funded and staffed of the projects, has determined that it is as often as not psionic in nature, meaning that a person's power or powers are either directly tied in with the mind (mental powers), or seem to have some basis in their psyche. Even physical mutations have been related to an individuals mental state of mind, or even their current thoughts at the time of the change. Subconscious stimuli and psychological states at times of metagene activation are being co nsidered as both catalyst and metagene programmer. The circumstances causing the activation may also have a bearing on what alterations in an individual take place. With the notable lack of hard data, however, further research is warranted, and everything from prehistoric genetic tampering to cosmic radiation is being investigated as a source for the metagene's recent activity. In all cases, however, the metagene is fundamentally uniform in structure. Also, no individual who has demonstrated powers is without the gene, and no individual without the gene has ever demonstrated powers. If one does not possess the gene at all, one will not gain superpowers ever.

Many of the early metahumans were gathered up for tests, persuaded one way or another to contribute to scientific research. Many of these individuals, though later released, spoke of mistreatment, physical and psychological abuse, and in some cases, death at the hands of their "doctors". Nothing was proved, but it wasn't too far fetched, all things considered, and people began to embrace the metahuman population as a "needy cause". Some of the names heard in the news, however, were never heard from again. Charles Keating was sent to Viet Nam in 1968 and is still listed as MIA. There is no recorded evidence of Xian Chow's whereabouts after 3 days following her outburst.

By 1973 several more incidents of metahuman births were recorded, but scientists had discovered a screening process to ensure the child's safe arrival into the world. The advent of Project:Lifeline was instrumental in finally bringing the reality home to the average citizen. Founded by Dr. Robert Mayer, Project:Lifeline was set up to be the foremost medical facility in dealing with metahumans. Powers rarely manifested at birth, but the Project enables doctors to determine if the metagene is present in unborn fetuses, and takes steps to ensure a safe birth as well as pre- and post-natal care of the infant. By the end of the decade metahumans were being discovered or born on an almost daily basis. Virtually all demographic denominations were affected, though notably affluent countries experienced a higher presence of metahumans than, for example, Third World countries.

The seventies were a time of great social upheaval and tension within the United States, and indeed even other parts of the world. With the Viet Nam conflict highly unpopular, America was having a difficult time adjusting to the rise of metahumans in it's midst. Organizations were formed for the advocacy of metahuman rights, such as Project:Lifeline, and even MetaFriends--a national support group for metahumans and their friends and family--as well as SANE (Superhumans And Normals as Equals). Other groups rose up to condemn metahumans as being "mutants" or "freaks of nature", and a potential danger to humanity in general. SLAM (Stronger Limits Against Metacriminals) was one of the first and is possibly the best organized and reasonable of these groups. The Friends of Humanity (FoH) are one of the most vocal and notable of these organizations, and exist in one form or another even today. The FoH is known for their aggressive stance against metahumans, going so far as to picket the houses of known metahumans. Thus far, violence and hate crimes that can be tied to them have been held at a minimum though suspicions run high when such a crime is committed. A splinter group, however, used private sector funding to move underground, becoming a paramilitary organization with vast resources, eventually emerging in the early 80's as Genocide. Their views are public and violent, and they hold that only through genetic cleansing can the human race save itself. They have extensive international political and economic support, though rarely is there open support for the group.

Nations across the globe reacted in a variety of ways. Some adopted an open-arms policy, believing the metahumans to be the blessed of God. Certain Muslim nations are wel-known for this. Others believed them to be some sort of planted threat, either by neighboring countries, a liens, or an as yet undetermined foe. The now-devolved Soviet Union instigated a "collection" of known and suspected metahumans, utilizing them in research, national protection, or slave labor with little regard for human rights. Many metahumans were captured, or enslaved, or killed outright. The breakdown of Communist Russia and it's subsequent breakup allowed for a certain amount of restructuring in regards to their stance on metahumans, but Slavic metahumans still face oppressive governments. Amnesty International began working to free some of these metahumans by 1980, thus giving the metahuman population a certain amount of credibility.

Science was already beginning to advance in leaps and bounds by the start of the Reagan Era, due in part to a handful of scientists, technicians and engineers possessing heightened intelligence thanks to the metagene. Progress was being made on a level heretofore unseen, and the world was struggling to adapt. Prior to this the space race had been about satellites and lunar rockets; now it was about space ships and orbital stations. The stuff of science fiction was rapidly becoming science fact. Lasers, force fields, alternate power sources, high tensile strength plastics and alloys, all were being discovered at a break-neck pace. Changes were coming about almost faster than humanity could handle them, though advances slowed somewhat by the late 1980's and early 90's, and once again Humanity mastered their environment.

At first metahumans were a curiosity rather than a serious danger. In the 70's, however, many had begun using their powers for personal gain, breaking the laws of man and physics to carry out their crimes. This led to local, state and federal law enforcement agencies to begin recruiting their own metahumans. Collateral damage increased, but the public again found confidence in their police forces as previously unstoppable criminals met with resistance. As supervillains began teaming up for bigger crimes, so too did the first superhero teams form, and not all of them were government-sponsored. The first of such groups was The Justiciary, based in San Diego, California. They formed as private citizens to oppose the first incarnation of the Ultimates in 1984. This brought up another concern, however; metahumans and the law.

The mid-1980's saw the first lawsuit against a hero team, as the city of St. Ives, NY, attempted to sue The Protectors for collateral damage caused in the capture of the Grim Reaper. The case went to the Supreme Court. In brief, the suit was to determine the legality of costumed individuals with no direct ties to law enforcement apprehending criminals of any variety, and the responsibilities and repercussions of such actions. A "vigilante" mentality was imminent, the prosecution stated, unless these costumed metahumans be reigned in with rules and regulations. It was pointed out, however, that while many law enforcement organizations did in fact, have their own metahumans, many refused to expose themselves to the public for fear of discrimination or reprisal. This was a valid point, the defense argued, and the metahumans weren't trying to dodge responsibility, but if they didn't stop the Grim Reaper, who would have?

The courts ruled in favor of The Protectors, setting a precedent which has been built upon steadily since. Superheroes are considered private citizens in terms of their legal rights, but many law enforcement agencies will work with them to avoid such hassles. Heroes and villains both concealed their identities in order to live more normal lives when not actively using their powers. Some went public, or never bothered to hide themselves in the first place. There's a man in San Francisco who can stretch to nearly three times his normal height; he's a house painter. In Chicago there resides a woman who can freeze time around a person for minutes at a time; she's a grade-school teacher. The point had been made that until such time as it could be proven otherwise, superheroes would be considered private citizens wishing to remain anonymous wh ile upholding the law. Their secret identities would remain inviolate for as long as the metahuman in question provided no threat to persons or property. A whole new branch of law was opening up, and metahumans would have to tread carefully in the future, but America supported them and that was what mattered. Insurance was being made available to both metahumans and normals, in the event of death, injury, or property damage due to metahuman activities. Law enforcement agencies began providing classes so that superheroes would be able to follow the law in their citizen's arrests. Product endorsements, financial status, even medical treatment, all were being revamped to accommodate the superhero. Once again Project:Lifeline stepped in and expanded their facilities to range across the country, and they began treating known metahumans on a special payment/insurance plan.

1991's Desert Storm saw metahumans active in several capacities, most operating under their respective national authorities, but a few being independent. Like the myths and legends of old, these super-powered individuals championed their causes, and it became widely known soon after that many countries employed metahumans in their military. For the most part they cancelled each other out, leaving the 'standard' forces to wage the war in general. Without this match-up, however, the war would have gone very differently, one way or the other. The potential of military metas provided enough fuel to begin a UN-backed detente on government-sponsered superhumans. This, in turn, led to the development of UNTIL, the United Nations Tribunal of International Law. Designed to be a global peacekeeper, all members of the United Nations were required to provide personnel and support for UNTIL. In 1995 UNTIL applied for, and received, independence from the UN, keeping their name but publicly promoting a world peace and submitting their own charter and mission statement. They provided military and metahuman support to any nation that requested it, and was in good general standing politically. Their primary focus would be on global threats, or support in the capture and/or termination of metahuman threats.

Too, a new breed of criminal emerged; that of the hi-tech. VIPER is the most recent organization to make a name for itself, but there are others. Using a combination of military tactics, hi-tech weaponry, and metahuman agents, these terrorists and criminals put a strain on national security at a level never before felt. In the U.S., The Guard has been formed in part to supplant the role played by UNTIL. The Guard's main objective is to put a stop to such terrorist and criminal activities that VIPER and other criminals, either human or metahuman, might pose to the United States and her citizens. The Guard supports other agencies rather than supercede them, providing whatever level of aid is requested, from simple intelligence to metahuman response teams. Other countries possess similar paramilitary organizations designed to deal with similar threats, though UNTIL is still in great demand and is considered the premier opposition to metahuman threats.

The new millenium has seen the beginnings of a new era for humanity, as human and metahuman learn to live in relative harmony. There are still superheroes and supervillains in the world, but the rate of discovery has tapered off greatly. In America, roughly 1 in every 10,000 has the metagene, though not necessarily active. About 1:100,000 is currently active in a metahuman sense (roughly 3000). However, many of these remain low-level (designated Beta's by scientists and the public). Low-level telekinesis, minor energy manipulation, cosmetic transformations--all these constitute Beta level metahuman abilities, and occur in roughly 80% of the metahuman population. The remaining numbers are made up by "Alpha's", those metahumans with significant powers. The ability to fly, generate high levels of energy, invulnerability--this is what makes an Alpha, and these are the individuals who become superheroes and supervillains.

===Meta humans in Modern Society===

Public Attitudes Towards Metahumans

The origins of super powers and nuclear power are inextricably linked. The advent of the atom bomb and nuclear power plants added the final change to human DNA necessary for super-powers to arise. Like nuclear energy, superhuman abilities can be a great force for good, or an extremely destructive one. Like atomic power, it has been a part of peoples' lives since the sixties, and in many peoples' minds is bound up with memories and feelings of the Cold War and VietNam. Therefore, it is understandable that peoples' attitudes towards super-powers are very similar to their feelings about nuclear power.

The vast majority find metahumans to be a distasteful necessity. They don't mind having them around, and in fact they can be quite useful, but they'd rather not have them next door. A sizeable minority on one side is enthusiastic in its support of super-powers, while a similar minority considers them dangerous. And, as with any emotionally-charged issue, there are fanatics on both fringes, advocating or engaging in voilence to advance their viewpoints. [see related topic: Genocide]

The exception to these generalities is mental powers, which are generally met with a greater degree of fear, mistrust, and revulsion. This attitude stems in part from the depredations of several notorious criminal mentalists, including Ravage, who used his powers to mentally torture women; Hypnotica, who touched off the mental disorder that led to the death of the world's first superhero, Atomic Man; and Macabre, who played on his victims' worst fears in order to "consume" their minds.

Here are the results of a Gallup/USA Today/CNN poll, conducted in 1994, in which 4200 randomly-selected adults were asked their positions on super-powers and superhumans. The poll has a 1.5 percent margin of error. Percentages may not add up to 100 due to rounding.

Which of the following do you favor? (Respondents could choose more than one.) Increased penalties for use of powers in the commission of a crime 81%

Restrictions or limits on the use of super-powers 38%

Government registration of metahumans 31%

Complete ban on the use of super-powers 19%

Mandatory prenatal metagene testing 14%

No restrictions 8%

Exile, death or other severe penalties for metahumans 4%

Other/No Opinion 6%

What would happen if you found out your friend/spouse/relative had super powers? Our relationship would become closer and more supportive 9%

Nothing, our relationship would remain the same 22%

Our relationship would become more difficult but continue 11%

I would end my relationship with that person 16%

I Don't Know/Other/No Opinion 42%

Do super-powers have a beneficial or detrimental effect on society? Very beneficial 11%

Somewhat beneficial 17%

On balance, equally beneficial and detrimental 32%

Somewhat detrimental 19%

Very detrimental 14%

No Opinion 8%

Would you like to have super-powers? Yes 61%

No 22%

It Depends/No Opinion 18%

Superpowers And The Law

Despite the proportionately small number of active metagene carriers in the United States (estimated at 3000, or 5 percent of the world's total of approximately 60,000), and the fact that they have no lobbies or PACs, the government has been reluctant to place restrictions on super-powers or the people who wield them. This may have something to do with the fact that these people wield great physical, if not policital, power. All such laws now in existence deal exclusively with super-powered lawbreakers.

In most states, use of super-powers in the commission of a misdemeanor elevates the crime to a felony. The exeptions are Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington. Simple display of potentially destructive super-powers is a misdemeanor in many cities, treated the same as discharging a firearm. In areas where no such law is on the books, using dangerous super-powers in public is still likely to bring prosecution under public endangerment statutes. Prosecutors often look the other way, though, in cases of so-called "superheroes" actin g in the public interest.

The death of the world's first superhero, Atomic Man, in 1976, and the government's mishandling of the Champions superhero group , was one factor in the 1976 defeat of President Richard Nixon by Georgia governor Jimmy Carter. One of Carter's first acts in office was to abolish federal involvement in superhero teams. Much of the rest of his first term was spent passing a string of restrictive anti-super legislation.

The Super-Powers Registration Act: Passed in 1974, shortly after the "super-boom" began, the Act required people with known superpowers to register their name, Social Security number and permanent address with the federal government. The government, in turn, shared this information with local and national law enforcement agencies. The ostensible purpose of this registration was to allow the government to call on these individuals in the event of a national emergency. Nobody really doubted, though, that the Act was born out of paranoia. Decried from the start as a gross violation of super-powered peoples' right to privacy, it was met with spotty compliance. It wasn't until 1976, though, that a metahuman mustered the courage to challenge the Act in court. It took three years for United States Vs. John Doe AKA Firebrand to work its way up to the U.S. Supreme Court, where the law was declared unconstitutional in September 1979. By that time, 120 people had registered, representing a broad spectrum of powers. Most authorities believe that at least twice that many had refused to register and were operating "dark."

The Storer Law: Named for the Secret Service agent killed by supervillain Entropy in his 1981 assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan, the Storer Law of 1983 makes the use of super-powers in the commission of a felony a federal crime. The FBI and federal anti-super-terrorist agency The Guard are authorized to investigate such crimes. Federal charges under the Storer Law does not preculde prosecution for the same crime under local, state or other federal statutes. Conviction under these statutes requires physical or recorded evidence, not just eyewitnesses or victim testimony, high courts have ruled. As such, of the 30 or so super-powered criminals convicted under this law since its passage, none are mentalists.

The McCumbrie-Hull Act: Passed as a pre-election "look tough" measure in 1980, this bill was named for its House and Senate sponsors, respectively. It made use of super-powers in the commission of a felony an aggravating factor, just like using a firearm, and added a federally-mandated minimum of 10 years to any sentence imposed. It also authorized funding for the first federal prisons designed to hold super-powered criminals--Stronghold--, in Old Forge, N.Y.; Fort Valley, Ga.; Marion, Ill.; and Sentinel, Ariz. Six more are planned nationwide, and a new "Super-Supermax" facility, designed to hold twenty-four of the most powerful supervillains, is currently under construction deep underground at Tok, AK.

Wolfe's Law: There is one class of superpowers which is illegal to use in any way on an unwilling target. The tireless campaigning of Rebecca Wolfe, who was kidnapped, held captive and mentally tortured for three months by a sadistic mentalist calling himself Ravage, resulted in the passage in 1985 of Senate Bill 1985-176, colloquially known as Wolfe's Law. The law closes the loophole in the Storer Law, making use of mental powers on an unwilling target a crime equivalent to rape. Since mental powers usually leave no physical or other observable evidence, victim testimony is admissible in Wolfe's cases. Expert testimony of psychiatrists trained to recognize the psychic aftereffects of mental powers is also often called upon in such cases. The man who inspired the law, Daniel Drew, aka Ravage, was coincidentally the first to be prosecuted and convicted under the law for a separate abduction and torture incident in 1985. The case made its way to the Supreme Court, but unlike the Registration Act, it was found constitutional, with a 6-3 majority as serting that the use of mental powers was itself an invasion of privacy. (Side notes: Ravage was bludgeoned to death by fellow prisoners in 1986, shortly after his prison sentence began. Hypnotica, the mind-controller responsible for Atomic Man's death, was prosecuted under these statutes in 1987 and sentenced to 10-15 years in Marion. But the most infamous mentalist ever known, the mental vampire Macabre, has never been prosecuted under these laws; the few victims to survive his attacks are permanently comatose.)

Government Policies Towards 'Metagene Positives'

While it is the current Administration's policy to discourage discrimination on the basis of genetic content, getting such an equal-rights declaration into law is politically impossible, at least for now. Attitudes in Congress are considerably more conservative than the President's. The best President Clinton had been able to do is to sign an executive order banning hiring and firing discrimination for federal employees, excluding the military. President Douglas ran for office with a very neutral Metahuman stance, supportive of the existing laws but taking very little initiative on new metahuman legislation.

The military, officially, does not accept recruits with super-powers. These potent abilities make it impossible to maintain discipline and order within the ranks, they argue. The discipline necessary to forge a group of individuals into a cohesive fighting unit requires subduing the will of the individual to the unit. But nobody who can melt tanks with his hands would take abuse from a drill instructor for long, the logic goes. Rumors persist, though, in conspiracy-theorist circles, that the Pentagon covertly tests its soldiers for the Metagene and recruits a select few into a clandestine team of "super soldiers." The military denies this of course, and defies anyone to name any of these team members, show where they are based or point out any incidents in which this team has participated. Theorists respond by saying that is precisely this complete lack of evidence that supports their claim, and the the so-called "Meta Brigade" are merely latent, waiting to be activated when the proper authorities decide it's time.

The Guard does have a team, though, equipped and trained to deal with super-powered threats to national security. Force Prime is America's elite anti-super-terrorist team. With 10-man strike teams stationed at a dozen military bases around the country, F-P can scramble in a matter of minutes to respond to a supervillain threat. The members of F-P are chosen from the cream of the five uniformed services, and get the most intensive training and the best high-tech battle armor available. Recent military budget cuts have not touched F-P, a political "sacred cow" to a Congress obsessed with looking tough on super-crime.

Individuals encountering difficulty with their super-powers have little recourse. Currently, Social Security does not recognize super-powers, however inconvenient, as a legitimate form of worker disability. Metagene-positive persons must demonstrate that their powers have inflicted some other form of qualifying handicap -- such as blindness or loss of use of a limb -- to qualify for benefits. It has been argued by Meta-rights activists that such a policy is a second blow against those who suffer discrimination in employment due to a mutated appearance, and pushes some into supervillainry.

There are no government programs in place to help Metagene-positive people adapt to their powers. Several private programs do exist, though, the largest being Project:Lifeline and it's affiliated clinics. However, the program can only help 20 metahumans at a time, and the waiting list for specific treatment is 2 years long. Seven other private centers across the continent -- based in Yakima, Wash.; St. Louis, Mo.; Colorado Springs, Colo.; Clearwater, Fla.; Rome, N.Y.; Winnipeg, Manitoba; and Portland, Maine -- have similar "meta rehab" programs, though on a smaller scale than Dr. Meyer's. One drawback of these centers is their cost, which fo r the most expensive can reach six figures annually. Some major universities have programs for those who cannot afford one of these residential programs, but their facilities and treatments are not as advanced, their focus is research rather than assistance, and they can serve even fewer clients -- no more than two or three each at any given time

Corporate Attitudes Towards Superhumans

To the business world, metahumans represent a threat to the status quo. When they aren't breaking into their research plants to steal their latest technological development, or holding super-battles that spill over into company facilities, they're using their superhuman capabilities to found companies of their own and supplant them in the marketplace. And there aren't enough of them to make them an attractive market bloc. As such, most firms' attitudes towards metahumans can be encapsulated as official indifference and unofficial distaste. The only major industry to profit from the metahuman phenomenon has been the insurance industry, which lost a lot of money in damage and theft claims until they discovered the money to be made in selling their clients Parahuman Acts Riders, or PARs, to cover such damages separately.

Even so, there are some jobs that just can't be done by normal corporate employees. In those cases, corporations will sometimes turn to euphemistically-named "independent operatives," or industrial agents. These individuals usually specialize in specific kinds of operations, such as espionage, arson, demolitions, computerized crimes or assassinations. These agents' capabilities are often technologically-based -- some companies have been known to reward successful missions with equipment rather than money -- but a few Metagene-active agents are in operation today. Though it is certainly within most large corporations' capabilities to create or recruit their own teams of super-powered operatives, the nature of their missions makes it more prudent to maintain legal deniability by paying the extra amount needed to hire individuals with no direct connection to the firm.

Organizations Concerned With Metagene-Positive Persons Many organizations and groups have changed or broadened their missions to adapt to the advent of super-powered people and their impact upon society.

The American Civil Liberties Union has been in the forefront of crusading for metahuman rights. While government attitudes -- and supervillain activities -- have made this job difficult, the ACLU has secured a number of significant victories, including the repeal of 1974's Super-Powers Registration Act, and the defeat of some of the more onerous provisions of President Reagan's anti-meta initiatives.

The Salvation Army has made helping metahumans with problems one of its key missions, just like runaways and the homeless. This help constitutes little more than a friendly ear, a hot meal and a warm bed, but such assistance is enough for many. Metas are welcome to volunteer at Salvation Army centers, and many who have received help there in the past do so. Such help goes a long way.

The American Red Cross is often called upon to assist individuals and communities in the aftermath of suervillain-caused disasters. It has no (known) metas on its staff, but it maintains a list of civic-minded superheroes it can call upon if necessary. Such calls for super assistance went forth was during 1998 to combat the effects of El �ino; in 1999 in the aftermath of the earthquake in Izmit, Turkey; and again during the plains fires of Africa in 2001.

There are a few organizations founded in direct response to the metahuman phenomenon. With one exception, these are anti-meta groups.

A political group that lobbies at the local, state and national level for tougher sentences for supervillains, SLAM (Stronger Limits Against Metacriminals) is probably the most reasonable of these groups. Limiting themselves to issues concerning super-powered lawbreakers, SLAM has found support from members of Congress and even some superheroes. SLAM suffered a setback recently when a Florida

court declared that their Proposition 99, requiring a life term for assault with a super-power, was improperly worded on the ballot and thus void. The group operates from donations and membership fees, has a paid staff of 25 based in Washington, D.C., and an estimated 14,200 members across the nation.

Friends of Humanity (FoH) is a group with a more radical agenda. The very existence of metahumans is a danger to normal humanity, they feel. This group argues that the U.S. Constitution applies to its human citizens only, and uses radical metas' assertion that they are a new and different species to justify suspending the Bill of Rights for them. They advocate mandatory Metagene testing at birth, with those testing positive being surgically sterilized, genetically catalogued in a central computer registry and tracked throughout their lives. They also support the death penalty for committing a felony with a super-power. Metas who wish to live among normal humans would submit to regular drug treatment to inhibit the functioning of the Metagene gene, in effect stripping them of their powers. More extreme members of this group have been suspected of updating an old Ku Klux Klan tradition, burning a wooden structure representing the DNA double-helix in front of metas' homes, in order to intimidate them and expose them to their neighbors. This is the second-largest group, claiming more than 4,000 members. Their meetings are held in secret.

Genocide is the most radical anti-meta group. Thought by some law enforcement agencies to be a clandestine arm of the FoH, this group has engaged in vandalism, terrorism and violence against metas. Genocide is suspected to have been behind the murder of the superheroine Whisperer. The FBI and The Guard thinks this group operates in "cells" of up to 50 people each in a dozen cities, operating mostly independently but taking direction for some missions from an unknown "cabal" of leaders. Genocide members are frequent participants in Internet chat and news groups, and coded Usenet postings may be how the cells coordinate their activities and receive orders from the leadership.

The sole group acting to calm passions against superhumans is SANE (Superhumans And Normals as Equals). Members of this group believe that when metahumans are accepted as the inevitable result of human evolution and regular members of society, the number of supers who choose to become villains will drop. This donation-funded group, which is only 5 years old, lobbies for federal anti-genetic-discrimination laws and against laws like SLAM's Proposition 99. The federally-registered nonprofit group filed disclosure forms for 1995 listing its membership as 510 and its annual budget as $163,219, spent mostly on salaries, postage and office supplies.

One other group, the Parahuman Rights League, was disbanded in 1991, only two years after its emergence, when it was discovered to be a front for Aries, a member of the metahuman criminal agency ZODIAC. The purpose of the group was to gather a database of information on metahumans.

Metas And The Media[edit]

Books

Exposes based on real supervillain crimes (and the intrepid heroes who stopped them) are extremely popular. These are written in a gritty, police-report style, with plenty of grainy photos of victims and villains and crime scenes. Lurid covers and titles like Debt of Blood, Deadly Consequences and Countdown to Genocide keep these paperbacks hopping off the shelves.

More scholarly works have also been written on the subject, though they are a bit harder to find in your local Barnes & Nobles. Pandora's Birthright: The Evolution of Superhuman Abilities, by genetic researcher and former costumed adventurer Adrian Simpson, is widely considered by academics to be the definitive text on the subject, and is used as a textbook in several university advanced genetics courses. An alternative theory of Metagene-gene origins, Gift of the Gods by Erich von Daniken, has sold more than eight times as many copies, though.

Modern reference books also contain entries dealing with

the superhuman world. Webster's New World Dictionary, College Edition contains definitions for Metagene, meta, metahuman, parahuman, superhero, superhuman and supervillain. The 1994 Encyclopedia Americana contains detailed entries under the topics Atomic Man; Champions, The; Justiciary, The; Metagene; and Superheroes and Supervillains.

Comic Books

With superheroes existing in real life, superhero comic books are not very prevalent. Those superhero comics that do exist are oriented towards a young readership, are fairly cartoony in nature, and invariably feature an intrepid band of teenage heroes battling huge hideous space monsters. A very few, most notably "Yellowjacket," are licensed adaptations of real superheroes.

The majority of adult-oriented comics deal with non-superpowered adventurers. Marvel's "Conan the Adventurer," vanguard of a class of black-and-white "art" comics, is the best-selling regular comic book in the U.S. Similar swashbuckling fare, whether in a fantastic setting like "Dragonfire" or a historic one like "The Red Scimitar," makes up the majority of published comics. Other large subsets include science-fiction or so-called "dark future" comics, such as "Caveat Emptor"; Western comics, like "Desperado"; and pirate comics, such as "Tales of the Black Galleon." A handful of anthologies are also popular, such as Freedom's "True War Tales" and D.C.'s "Detective Comics," which feature adaptations of two-fisted characters like Mike Hammer, Jack Slade and V.I. Warshawski.

The Internet

Fans of the superhero culture tend to be better educated than the average, and as such, metahumans have found a warm welcome on the Internet. All the major online services have discussion rooms and newsgroups devoted to metahumans and their doings. Some of the larger newsgroups on the Internet proper are alt.fan.superheroes; alt.fan.superheroes.nyc; alt.fan.supervillains; soc.metas; soc.metas.nyc; and sci.biology.genetics.metagene. Heroes and villains alike have been known to lurk and even openly participate in several IRC chat groups, the most popular of which are #supers, #superchat, #metagene and #meta_cafe. Perhaps the greatest crimefighter of all time, Manhunter, and the most notorious villain in history, Dr. Destroyer, have both published their E-mail addresses and have even been known to respond to messages on occasion.

Newspapers

Major crimes and battles involving metahumans always rate coverage in the papers; the amount of coverage, and its placement, depends on the scale of the event. Apprehension of a bank-robbing superhuman by the local hero would rate Page 1 in a small-town newspaper, but will likely be relegated to an inside page of the local news section of a metro daily. Otherwise, newspapers don't devote too much space to the everyday trials and tribulations of the local hero team. The largest metro dailies -- the St. Ives Examiner, the Chicago Tribune, the Philadelphia Examiner, the Washington Post and the Los Angeles Times -- have reporters and photographers devoted full-time to the meta beat.

Magazines

Being less tradition-bound and more targeted to specific readerships than newspapers are, magazines have adapted to the superhuman phenomenon more readily. Few magazines have not dealt with the impact of superhumans on their area of interest at one time or another. Some examples:

Fortune: "Protecting Your Firm From Super-Disasters"

Vogue: "Simply Smashing Super Swimsuits"

InStyle: "Dr. Destiny's Montana Hideaway"

Car & Driver: "Manhunter's Custom Pontiac: A Muscle Car With Real Muscle"

Model Railroader: "Add An Animated Super-Battle To Your Layout"

Many periodicals, notably People, Psychology Today, Omni, Rolling Stone, Details and the supermarket tabloids, have added regular departments covering the super world. Rolling Stone's writer on the super beat, Kitty Wells, is generally considered The Authority when it comes to who's who and what's in or out. An interview with Kitty means that a hero (or villain) has Arrived.

There are even magazines devoted completely to the super scene. SuperStar is a weekly supermarket tabloid, exploring in detail the intimate lives, battles, rivalries and romances of those folks in the flashy tights. Since it's practically impossible to file a lawsuit anonymously, SuperStar has shown no compunctions about playing fast and loose with the facts of heroes' lives. They have been a bit more circumspect about what they say about the villains, though, since their office building was razed by The Ultimates in 1989.

Meta is a more serious monthly publication. Ostensibly geared toward the super-powered reader, it nonetheless carries plenty of content of interest to the genetically unenhanced reader. Devoid of the fawning style of the groupie rags, Meta is the only publication to ever publish an interview with master villain Dr. Destroyer (conducted via the Internet, in August 1998).

There are many more underground publications (zines, in the vernacular) published by individuals using home computers. Most are one or two sheets, published irregularly, and show no particular regard for quality of writing, editing or spelling. Representative titles include "The Knightly Knews" (devoted to San Francisco hero Midknight); "Fallout" (for devotees of the first superhuman, Atomic Man); "Silver Bulletins" (for followers of the four Texan heroes to bear the name Lone Star); and the "I Hate Thunderfist Newsletter."

Movies

The first costumed adventurer, Gangbuster, was as much a media personality as a crimefighter. "The Masked Gangbuster" serials were produced from 1975 until 1979 (the final year's episodes being produced with a lookalike actor following the real hero's death in 1978). The series' success spawned a slew of imitators, though none was as successful as the original. When serials -- and costumed heroes -- became less popular in the late 1980s, romances, musicals and other more escapist fare took their places in the movie houses. "Hero flicks" -- full length this time -- enjoyed a comeback in the 1990s, thanks to the exploits of the government-sponsored Force Prime. This time, though, fictional heroes were the subject, in such classic films as "Foxfire," "Mr. Mystery," "Blackjack" and "Night of the Falcon" (the latter with Val Kilmer in the title role). However, three of the highest-grossing movies of the 1990s were old-fashioned hero flicks: "Justice," "Fire and Ice" and "Return of the Falcon" (this time, with Brad Pitt as the classic crimefighter). One of the biggest flops of the year, though, was "Sting," a fantasy about the real crimefighter Yellowjacket, indicating that the public still prefers its movie heroes fictional.

Television and Radio

Superheroes and their effect on society are today a constant topic of discussion on the nation's TV and radio talk shows. TV shows like "Oprah" occasionally focus on the effect some recent battle or villain plot has had on ordinary people's lives, and often take a negative tone towards metahumans, as they are understandably reluctant to appear in the studio to defend themselves."Peregrine's Perch" offers a pro-meta forum that has become increasingly popular in the last few years. Peregrine, herself a metahuman, has become the media darling of the day. On radio, though, metas usually get a fairer shake. Not only are a majority of talk show hosts friendly to metas -- they get more irate callers that way -- but heroes (and even villains) have been known to call in personally to set the record straight.

TV covers super battles and crimes in much the same way as newspapers. All three major network news operations and CNN have correspondents that cover the super scene; CNN's Mariana Villanueva also hosts the network's weekly half-hour "Meta Journal." On the show, Villanueva recaps the world's super news of import in the first half of the show, then interviews a newsmaker or authority on the big super story of the week.

"Meta Journal" is not the only TV show concerned with metahumans Tabloid TV shows like "Hard Copy" and "Inside Edition" cover supers whenever there's dirt to be found. CourtTV carries gavel- to-gavel coverage of supervillains' trials, when allowed. And "MetaFile" is a syndicated half-hour superhero news/chat show, as if "Meta Journal" was produced by the "E!" network. It airs in 46 markets.

A few fictional superhero-based TV series have appeared over the years, but none has been as successful as Paramount's syndicated "Suicide Squad," an hour long drama featuring five ex-government super-agents who travel the country helping people in trouble while dodging agents of their former employers and the super-powered pawns of fictional criminal agency "The Dominion." Other fictional meta-oriented TV shows currently on the schedule include ABC's "Justice," an adaptation of the 1990 film; CBS's "Moonstone," about an L.A.-based flying martial artist, and "Shatter," about a cyborg corporate agent turned good; and Fox's "Chance," about a gadget-wielding super-genius who solves mysteries in a fictional East Coast city (it's filmed in Toronto). For the most part special effects are used--they tend to be less damaging to property and personnel. Metahumans have been known to work in the business, however, though none have yet achieved "stardom" in the classic sense.

From VFD:John Kerry flip-flops[edit]

From Procrastinate[edit]

This article will be written when I'm done doing all the other stuff I have to do first.