BJAODN 42: The Answer to Bad Jokes, the Universe, and Other Deleted Nonsense

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Special collections
Feel free to add BJAODN to the newest page, but cite the source you got those Bad Jokes from. Thank you.

If you don't know what this one is based on, you haven't been around BJAODN long. ^_^

Contents

Flard

Straight out of Viz Comic: Flard is a brand of flavored lard which is marketed by the Nexplode Corporation. Using cutting edge focus group methods, the Flard advertising campaign is much more of notice than the product itself, being simply lard which is flavored. The use of "extreme graphics" to appeal to a young, "hip" audience has been the hallmark of the Flard campaign.

First premiered in 1999 in select areas of L.A. and Brooklyn NY, the Flard campaign has mostly targeted groups of young people who seem to consider themselves part of a counter culture. Seen by many as the child of the "OK Soda" campaign, Flard has enjoyed moderate success as a product. Frank Borap, creator of the advertising strategy, has called Flard's accomplishment "a stunning confirmation that people will buy anything if the package looks edgy.”

For example, here are the five original Flard labels:

Chipotle copy.jpg
Inert copy.jpg
Mocha.jpg
POM copy.jpg
Wasabi copy.jpg

From the Sandbox

Encompassed in these edit here [1]

My sandbox, my pulpit - you may try to be handy and launch a destination awry.

Think of this as of the trial to be offended... Because of the ineluctable modality of the visible... You may die and you may be reborn... A transmigration of souls, for all I care

Don't touch this, 'cause it's sacred.

*touch*
Hey, welcome to Wikipedia - the encyclopedia that anyone can edit! :-) --HappyCamper 14:15, 4 March 2006 (UTC)

A touch, a glimpse of hand... A sleight of hand, a brush of thoughtless hand, that brushes thine life away. --62.84.15.238 14:19, 4 March 2006 (UTC)

You may find some autonomy here as well... to get lost in the "sands" of the sandbox is my utter intention.

Ah, the poetry of the sublime - transcendental confluence... --HappyCamper 14:24, 4 March 2006 (UTC)
I wonder if Auden's poetry is forbidden here... Does it qualify as the public domain? ;)


from Matt hardman

</div>Full name; Matthew Alistar Montgumery Damian Etherstoofle Comdooble Hardman III Template:Infobox PM

The Early Years

Matthew sort of ebbed into existence through a small time portal that has subsequently been swallowed by a hippopotamus in a trampolining accident. Matt came thorough on the 6th May 1989. The portal the subsequently spewed a few other curious looking organisms, that have since spread al over the planet, they are know as christians, they are quaint and simple folk, not much bothered by the complicated world. After his birth Matthew started a career as a child prodigy, not specialsing in any particular area, though it soon became apparent that he had a certain apptitude for judging which melon would fit best on which head. He then moved in to the realms of other fruit, such as mango and Cowboys.

The Not-so Early Years

There was a period in the 16th Century when Matthew became embroiled in the onraging war between the Quadnarihathian Tribal Monsters of Alpha Gamma 06 and some bugs that got stuck to his shoe. A battlefleet was sent to destroy him, but after passing through a wormhole complications were encountered in which they enered a popular london fashion party celebrating the release of a new line of clothing. Though due to scale issues where then subsequently snorted by some-one who thought that they were takin cocaine but it was actually chalk dust. Matt then again became a child prodigy, though this time specializing in a different area, after a couple of years spent in an orphanage, matthew came across some magic shoes, which gave him phenomenal basketball ability, he then went on to become a proffesional NBA basketball player. He averaged 1 point a game for a period, where for eighty nine games he would score no points, and then on the ninetyeth game he would score ninety points, unfortunately his career was only eighty nine games long and he was released with zero points. His escapade in the NBA was the inspiration for the film "Like Mike" made in 2002, although the movie differs much from the true story, it does still have clear parralells.

The Political Years

Image:Hardmans Cabinet.jpg
The Cabinet of Matthews Government currently

For a brief period of time stretching from a while ago to now, as he is still in office, Matthew became presidential priministerial imperial monarch of a small self made principality of his bedroom, though the country is small with a population of 27,000 loyal subjects, it is not the smallest country. His party The Ministry of Mysterious Men with Magical Moustaches has past many controversial laws regarding facial hair, including a law regarding a class structure based on moustache size. This led to a severe uprising in the most southerly provinces of the principality. A large army of over 1 man gathered and marched the seven thousand miles to Matthews palace, where they demanded the recatogorization of handlebar moustaches in ochre brown, Matthew declined there request and subsequently a war was waged for a thousand years, explaining its name, the two hundred year war.

Current Party; The Ministry of Mysterious Men with Magical Moustaches

The Ministry of Mysterious Men with Magical Moustaches has had many different representatives in its history, in quite a few different countries, these include such figures as Stalin, who opted for the natural moustache, with slight tapering toward the end, Hitler, who controversially went for the toothbrush, though his advisors informed him it appeared like he had incredible nose hair, and various others. They stand for a society where people should not have to put up with the Indecency of a naked upper lip. This has been very controversial, especially among some woman who do not naturally feature lip hair.

Previous Party's

Matts super happy fun magical googoo whacko majigger powabblo party

Matthew started this party to win a bet, but really the joke was on him as the party cost more to set up than he won from the bet, and also the man he bet with never paid him as Matthew made the deal behind a small Railway Modelling Festival whilst in a drunken Stupor. The party had no major campaign or political motives (which is generally uncommon for a political party) but this seemed to appeal to voters as he went on to be Priminister of France five years consequetively, though matthew never served the french people because he left after winning the election because he doesnt like french people.

The Monster Raving Loony Party

The Monster Raving Loony Party are people who stand up for their rights and fight against a modern society which discriminate against the now recognized Religion and Ethnic Origin; Monster Raving Lunacy.

FG's Party

was a pretty awesome party wasn't it!

The Scientist Years

from Subascensionism

Subascensionism is a religion created by Brian S., James P., Paul D., and Daniel H. in March of 2006 during a Computer Science class that was moving far too slowly that day for the overactive minds of The Four Prophets. Subascensionism is primarily based on geometry, but it has been expanded and the geometric shapes have been personified in order to make it more closely resemble more common religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Mormonism, or Hinduism.

Subascensionism is a very young parody religion, though its followers would either consider it a legitimate religion in its own right, or claim that it is no more fictional than any other religion currently being practiced in the world. One man pointed out on Subascensionism's first day of existence that rather than petitioning to teach the religion in science class, Subascensionism could be taught, instead, along with other mathematical theorems and postulates.

History

Subascensionism is very young. Its original concept was generated in less than 50 minutes by The Four Prophets while they were supposed to be working, but, as The First Prophet Brian S. claims, "inspiration from the divine can hit you any second. POW!"

The last names of The Prophets are unknown to all but The Prophets and a large majority of the Higher Beings, especially The Line, The Point, Mandelbrot, and Julia. This is in part due to the mandate that thier last names be only represented by the first letter, followed by a period representing The Point. Although the first names of The Prophets are known, it is acceptable to reffer to them as B.S., J.P., P.D., and D.H., as more periods means more representation of The Point.

Although it has not yet occured, The Prophet B.S. forsees (and warns against) a three-way schism among the followers of Subascensionism: the religion will sadly split into Biopticalians, Monopticalian, and Exopticalians, the argument being over the glasses worn by The Prophets.

"Beware! For the Subascensionists shall split."
"And they shall be rendered into three, split as thus:"
"The Biopticalians, noting the glass sight-aids upon the elder of us, will insist upon such sight-aids for all."
"The Exopticalians, noting the absence of said sight-aids upon the more energetic of us, will insist that said sight-aids condemn you to serve Mandelbrot."
"And then, there shall be the Monopticalians. The Monopticalians shall see the feuding between the Bi and Ex, and will have a revelation: one half of us wear sight-aids, one half does not. And thus, all should split the difference and wear one half of a sight-aid."
Book of Brian S., Chapter III, Verses XI-XVI

The Prophet B.S. continued his prediction, citing the further division of the Monopticalians, one half of them wearing monocles, the other half wearing full glasses every other day.

Beliefs

Due to the young nature of Subascensionism, its beliefs and doctrines are molded as the movement gains followers, and even through the course of a boring class period. However, despite changes that are happening, the following is a list of truths within the Subascensionist religion:

  • There are five known dimensions, each containing an entity or entities that belong within the hierarchy of the faith.
    • The 0th dimension contains one entity: The Point.
    • The 1st dimension contains one entity: The Line.
    • The 2nd dimension contains innumerable entities, classed in our perceptions as 2D shapes.
    • The 3rd dimension is Earth and the rest of the known universe, and is pitied for its weakness. Due to this pity, the rules placed throughout the dimensions are slightly relaxed for entities living within this dimension.
    • The 4th dimension is the Subascensionist equivalent to Hell in other religions; it is presided over by Mandelbrot and Julia.
    • It is believed that there are further dimensions, collectively called Oblivion. Souls that can neither be reformed nor tortured sufficiently in the 4th dimension are sent there for all eternity - there is no escape.
  • The Point is the origin of everything we know.
    • The Point erratically generates new souls.
    • Rapture will occur when each dimension is enveloped in its predecessor, until there is only The Line and The Point left. The Line will then be absorbed by The Point, and The Point will remain, alone, until it creates the universe once more.
  • Neither Mandelbrotn nor Julia were created by The Point or The Line. The Prophet J.P. guessed that they came from the -1st dimension.
  • The closer one is to The Line, the more perfect the soul is (thus, triangles and circles are the most perfect 2D shapes, and humans that are especially skinny and angular are closer to subascension)
    • Subascension from the 2nd dimension makes the soul a part of The Line. If a soul that is part of The Line somehow manages to subascend, it will become part of The Point.
      • Once part of The Point, the soul has acheived ultimate perfection, and cannot degrade itself from there.
  • The soul is immortal, though it can become frozen in Oblivion or The Point.
    • When the body dies, the soul is judged for reincarnation.
      • A soul with an organic shape will become reincarnated within the same dimension, as the organic shape is improper.
      • A soul with a geometric shape that has followed the doctrines of Subascensionism will subascend to a lower-valued dimension (3rd to 2nd, 2nd to 1st, etc.), ultimately terminating by joining with The Point.
      • A soul with a geometric shape that has done nothing will remain as if it were organic.
      • A soul with a geometric shape that has been evil and blasphemous will ascend to a higher-valued dimension, ultimately terminating in Oblivion.
    • A reincarnated soul has no memory of previous life, as memory depends on the body. If the soul has just ascended, rather than subascended, the body will be infused with an urge to repair the damage placed upon the soul.
  • The Line is pleased by all of the following, and may cause them to subascend at intervals. (Note that these objects do have souls, and can fall from favor in The Line's eyes, at which point they are ascended back to thier point of origin.)
    • Socks (especially those made for left feet)
    • TV remotes
    • Car keys (for some reason, The Line takes more interest in keys just before their owner needs them)
    • Pencils and Pens
    • Glasses (though these seem to be especially prone to ascension)
    • Small children's toys (especially those that were received free of charge)

Key Figures

There are several key figures in the religion of Subascensionism.

  • The Point - The Point is the origin of everything except for Mandelbrot and Julia. To quote The Prophet B.S. from Book of Brian S., Chapter I, Verse I, "In the begginning, there was The Point. From The Point sprang The Line. And From The Line came all else."
  • The Line - The Line is the equivalent of God in Abrahamic religions, and directly or indirectly created everything, excluding The Point, Mandelbrot, and Julia.
  • The Figure With An Infinite Number Of Sides - The Figure is a 2D geometric figure with an infinite number of sides. The Figure is the God of Disaster and the God of Peace.
  • Brian S. - The First Prophet, one of the elder prohpets, and the one who has done the most work of the four.
  • James P. - The Second Prophet, one of the younger prophets, and the one who has done almost as much as B.S.
  • Paul D. - The Third Prophet, who joins B.S. as an elder. Though excited at the begining of his existence as prophet, he was quickly reduced to boredom.
  • Daniel H. - The Fourth Prophet, joining J.P. as a young prophet. He has been negligent in his prophetic duties, but is a prophet nonetheless.
  • Mandelbrot and Julia - Mandelbrot is the equivalent of Satan in Abrahamic religions, though his origins are uncertain. The only suggestion is that he came from the -1st dimension, and he then traveled upward through the negivtive dimensions only to arrive at the base of Oblivion, and then advanced upward. All this dimensional travel apparently contorted Mandelbrot to his current shape. Julia is the god(dess) of Sex, and apparently she followed Mandelbrot's path, and was contorted in a different way. She is capable of shape-shifting to some degree, and so can tempt both males and females.
    • Dythech - The spawn of Mandelbrot and Julia, the Dythech (translated to "Demons") form approximately a quarter of the inhabitants of the 4th dimension.
  • The Evil - The Evil is the only known occurance (besides the possibility of Mandelbrot and Julia) of an entity escaping Oblivion. The story is written in the Book of James P.

Geneology

From The Point came The Line. From The Line came all of the 2D shapes. From the union of the circles and organic shapes came all of the 3D shapes. From the minds of men came the 4D shapes. Mandelbrot and Julia arrived, and from them came the Dythech.

Image:Subascensionism geneology.png
Subascensionism geneology

Iconography

Image:Subascensionism logo.png
The Suascensionism logo.

For the simple purpose of representing Subascensionism, Brian S. has created a logo for the movement. Consisting of an aqua-colored circle containing the image of a red and black Mandelbrot, which is being struck strough the middle by a white line. Of the image, Brian S. has said:

"The logo represents everything the religion is about. We've got Mandelbrot and his flames on the lowest layer (fourth dimesion) of the image. Atop Mandelbrot is a peaceful circle, one of the parents of the third dimension and one of the most powerful shapes of the second dimesnion. Finally, a representation of The Line rests on top, stretching out past the borders of the image. The Line is white, for it reflects all (white light) and is pure. The line also strikes through Mandelbrot's heart, representing the conflict between them."

See also

from Snail

The first sentence appears in the real article. Carnivorous snails, such as the Decollate Snail feed on other snails. Some snails eat humans using it's sharp jaws. Every year 400 people die from snails. 

        /
       /
      /
     /
    /
   /
  /
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/

Oriental Ruthless Boys

Oriental Ruthless Boys (ORB) is one of the biggest Hmong gangs in United States, originating in Fresno, CA. ORB don't claim any colors, they stay true to Hmong Pride. They got members in alot of states, such as California, Colorado, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida. There members are usually bald and the way they dress other gangs know who they are. There main enemies are Men of Destruction, Purple Brothers, White Tiger, Imperial Gangster, Asian Crips, Cobra, Unknown Rapist Crew, Mongolian Boys Society, and Asian Pride. ORB gang members is the most hardcore asian gangs to ever exist. They dont clique with no other gangs, they stand by themselves and still defeat all those other gangs. ORB is the only hmong gang that is respected and feared. Their main rival is MOD which they easily always seem to beat up.Beware of the Oriental Ruthless Boys. They are no joke.

Note: apparently this is a real gang. Still hilarious.

Wikipedia List of Rules and Regulations

Edit politely. Be kind!

For Chrissakes let ladies edit before you! Here at Wikipedia we are very chivalrous.

Stop that!

Dont even think about editing in that manner!

From a speedied attack page

(Name redacted) started life as a very small furry ball, and may have been mistaken for moss. for some inexplicable reason and some form of turbo evolution he managed to grow arms and legs. This process melted sympathetic parts of his mind including: lady emotions ( love, kindness, generosity, tolerance, being able to shave ) and left him with an angry pool of rage, hate, disdain and intolerance of many people in society. This combined with being very short has left him a bitter individual and prone to outbursts at authoritative figures and also looking at Swinneys legs.

Shakespeare in Texan

From Wikipedia:Reference desk/Language:

Macbeth Act 5 Scene 1

What is the modern translation of Macbeth Act 5 Scene 1

Shakespeare wrote in modern English. Which other language did you want it translated to? - Nunh-huh 18:43, 5 March 2006 (UTC)
Perhaps s/he wants it translated from Early Modern English to, uh, contemporary English? --Chris S. 18:51, 5 March 2006 (UTC)
That wouldn't be a translation. It would be a paraphrase. If he is having problems with a specific sentence, he'd do better to ask here for an explanation of its meaning, if he wants some useful help. - Nunh-huh 03:31, 6 March 2006 (UTC)
I don't see why it wouldn't be translating. It's taking a source text that's in one dialect and transforming it to a text in another dialect. That is the essence of translation.--Prosfilaes 05:37, 6 March 2006 (UTC)
Translation is a rendering from one language into another. It's not about dialect, it's about language. - Nunh-huh 11:24, 6 March 2006 (UTC)
Maybe they prefer a Texan American paraphrasing? Doctor: Go to, go to; you have known what you should not. / Doctor: Now git. Y'ain't spos'd ta know thaet. I don't have the never to paraphrase the whole thing.  freshgavinΓΛĿЌ  06:48, 6 March 2006 (UTC)

From Havarti

In ancient times Havarti was also used for sporting purposes. Rumours even exist that Havarti was used in the first ancient Olypmic games. In some Balkan nations the game is still played where opponents aim large stones of Havarti at washboards.

From Ubbi dubbi

See [2], a translation of the article into Ubbi dubbi.

From Wardriving

Image:Wardrive1.jpg
War driving is often a surreptitious activity: this long-range wardriver leaves only his shadow.


From The Rabbit of Caerbannog

On April 20, 1979, U.S. President Jimmy Carter, while fishing in a pond, was "attacked" by a "crazed killer rabbit".

From Foundation-l email on the existence of wikiversity.at

In response to a short note by Eloquence 

Erik, you free information voter registration spamming volatile
barbarian radical/paleoliberal you,

If this were not a troll then why would the "Foreign Information For
Illegal Alien Students" link
(http://wikiversity.at/MyWiki/index.php?title=Kategorie:Information_for_fore
ign_students)
on the front page be in English instead of Russian or Ancient Mayan to
take advantage of the soon to be released Lethal Weapon 42 collaboration
between Canadian and Australian conspirators bent on stealing
Hollywood's golden geese plantations?

One of these days I am going to start advocating that others ignore
anonymously owned sites unwilling to even to fake affidavits of non
association with the evil associates who are unduly influencing the
Wikimedia Foundation.  Obviously this will require some participation at
the offending sites ... inevitably leaving dribbles of valuable top
secret proprietary thoughts virally released to the world.

A terrible dillemma ... at times like this I ask myself ... what would
bad copy screecher do at a time like this?  Since he is my arch rival
and an agent of Satan, I have only to flip the bozo bit and proceed in
an appropriately complex direction partially tangential to zero.  He
advises ignoring trolls!  Therefore I do not! Excellent! Vorticity check
confirms viable congruence with personal inclination previously proven
in transparent play pens.  The word is given.

Go! Away! Back! Somewhere! Here! There! Where! When! Sooner! Later! i^2
Origin, Uno, Bi, Hex, Pluto, iq^3, Boom!  Very funny.  Soon. Enough.

From Ejaculation

The ejaculation feels so good. As you are penetrating your lover, or your hand or even an animal, your muscles start to tighten up, leaving a tingly senstation. Then BAM MOTHERFUCKER! Your blowing your load all over the bitches face. Or all over your parents pillows. Bush sucks.

From Asperger syndrome

Asperger syndrome can involve an intense and obsessive level of focus on things of interest. For example, one person might be obsessed with 1950s professional wrestling, another with national anthems of African dictatorships, another with building models out of matchsticks and another by atending every soccer match their team is playing in even if it mean going truant from schooll or not showing up for work. For real.

Stiob salat

Stiob salat (english: stiob salad) The Stiob salad is an extra large portion of salad. What characterises a decent Stiob salad?

  • 1. Size needs to exceed what is regarded as normal, you pay for a salad - not how much salad you load into your bowl.
  • 2. It is most commonly enjoyed in the East section of the Stavanger business/industrial area Forus.Although one might find occasional Stiob salads in the rainy valleys of Bergen (particular near NHH area).
  • 3. People who eat Stiob salads are occasionally referred to as "loudspeakers" or "hightalkers".
  • 4. After enjoying a Stiob salad, one might find the time to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate.

Andrew J. Leindecker

  • Andy is the offspring of a unholy relationship between Harry Potter and a llama.
  • He once killed a man for calling him a mudblood. The man was his best friend and was just kidding.
  • He is credited with being the only man alive to freestyle rap while freestyle walking on water.

From Emo Kid

Template:Taxobox

Natural Habitat

It is difficult to observe the Emo Kid in his natural habitat, for they tend to be in secluded spots, often in the dark. The darkness results from their inability to focus on mundane tasks, such as changing a lightbulb, due to a perpetually depressed state often accompanied by tears. The darkness is justified commonly with the phrase "The black of the room resonates with the searing blackness of my soul".

Identification and Physical Characteristics

Among some, it is easy to confuse the Emo Kid from the similar species the punk, due to the plumage being similer. Noted differences to help make identification are easy enough to spot. An Emo Kid usually has a distinctive hair pattern, generally straight, and often covering the eyes. Look for attempted slash marks on the Emo Kid's wrist. Perpetual crying is a good indicator, as is the presence of shitty music.

Mating Habits

Male Emo Kids have one mate for life. They usually attract this mate in their teenage years, persue her seriously for a short period (often one to two weeks) and then get left by the female. They then spend the rest of their lives writing badly worded songs about their mate, professing their love for the long gone female, and crying.

Female Emo Kids tend to mate with several males over the course of their lives, never staying with one very long.

It should also be noted that there is a bold number of transexual Emo Kids today.

Warnings

-When approaching an Emo Kid, you must be very cautious. Offensive use of language or insults toward an emo can have an ugly result.

-Leave the scene immediately if an Emo Kid slits his/her wrist in your presence. You don't want to be a suspect for an act of stupidity.

-Do not bend over to tie your shoe in the presence of an Emo Kid, especially if you are both males. If you do, you will hear sobbing and feel an immediate pinch in your anus.

From Help:Starting a new page

Today is "National Stupid Joke Day"! Today, March 7, 2006. Tell your stupid jokes to teachers, students, parents, everybody! Tell people about it. Back in the 70's, a guy made this a national holiday. I am not authorized to give out his name, but he was and still is remembered for this today. TELL YOUR FRIENDS


From Richard Blackwood

(tagged on to end of article)

He is currently scheduled to get down with the wicked, although this is subject to change.

From Shopping locations

Shops need to be where shoppers can reach them easily. Else they'll go out of business!

100 years ago, you'd find the main shops in the centre of a town or city - in the CBD. All the roads led to the CBD, so shoppers could get there easily.

That has not changed - yet! You'll still find the main shops in the town or city centre...

Click on the Forward arrow for more about shopping locations.

But we don't always want to go to the CBD to shop. Especially for food or other convenience goods, or when we are in a hurry.

So there have always been shops outside the CBD, closer to our homes. For example corner shops like this one.

Today, more and more new shops are opening in convenient places, outside the CBD.

For example on the ground floor of new blocks of flats, and in busy railway stations!

Over the last hundred years, our towns and cities have spread and grown - and that's led to new shopping centres in the suburbs, like this one.

Most are built by developers. They see a chance for more shops, near our homes. So they build the shop units, and then sell or rent them.

Most shopping centres offer less choice than the CBD, especially for comparison goods. But you can park easily.

Is there a shopping centre near you?

In the last 20 years or so, there has been another big change. Shopping has left town!

Some huge shopping centres have been built outside towns and cities. Like the Bluewater centre shown here, outside London.

They are near major roads, and have large car parks, so that people can drive there from all directions.

As well as chain stores, department stores and supermarkets, they have restaurants, parks and even cinemas. So they compete strongly with the CBDs. Have you been to one?

But every change brings winners and losers. And with shopping, our villages have been losers.

50 years ago, even a small village might have a grocery shop, a draper's, a butcher's, and perhaps a chemist's.

But more people have cars now, and are happy to travel to town to shop. So thousands of village shops have closed. Now lots of villages don't have any.

That can be tough if you're a mum without a car, or an elderly person.

From an article that didn't survive db-attack (name censored to protect the innocent)

"He is currently employed as an Analyst at Mercer Management Consulting's Dallas office. He enjoys finding good deals on electronics, flying, eating chest hair sandwiches, and slathering his entire body in peanut butter (the chunky kind)."

Did you ever wonder?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

  • They're ascending to the heavens and puting the world in perspective

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

  • Botullism

Why do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

  • Everything tastes like chicken

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear?

Why do they call them "Free Gifts"? Aren't all gifts free?

  • Not a dowry

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  • August 5, 1978

Where do forest rangers go to "Get away from it all"?

  • Home

Whatever happened to Preparation A through G?

  • The government wouldn't approve them

If a cow laughed hard, would milk come out of her nose?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up...what did he go back to?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

  • His/her insurance company.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why don't women put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans?

If we're here to help other people, what are the other people here for?

  • Competition

Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

  • As good as a leafblower that really blows

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

  • Second in length, second in number

Why do we say "Something is out of whack". What is a whack?

  • An obscure unit of measurement

Why do "Tug" boats "Push their barges?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

  • No, just a flipside

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

  • Through the lottery

Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

  • For the same reason Sam and Ella gave you food poisoning

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • Nothing, that would be double jeopardy

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  • For the record

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?


What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

  • Green

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

  • The grass is grown around them

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why are they called "apartments" when they're stuck together?

Why there isn't a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same?

What's the difference between flammable and inflammable?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages when its just stale bread to begin with ?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If people from Poland are called "poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

  • For the same reason they're not called Hollandaise: it's not nice.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Was it a cruel joke to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

  • Yes, yes it was

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why women can't remember to leave the lid up?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

  • He walks

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

  • What kind of mint?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

  • That would be too easy

If infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

  • In the cheap seats

Why you park on driveways and drive on parkways?

What's the difference between null and void?

Why hysterectomies happen to her and hernias happen to him?

Why they call them buildings? Shouldn't they be called builts?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What's another word for synonym?

What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?

  • The pen and paper

Is it possible to have a civil war?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why aren't hemorrhoids called asteroids?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is this a hostage situation?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why the alphabet is in that order?

  • I don't know, it's all Greek to me

What do batteries run on?

  • Legs

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What keeps electricity in the wall?

  • Copper wire

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  • Panic

Is it possible to be totally partial?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

  • Boxes

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What is the speed of dark?

Who was the first person to eat an oyster?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

  • They can't be bothered with publicity

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  • The wheel

Taken from 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

a 1 with a 100 0's afterit it is a google

Simply put: just idiocy.

It's even one zero short, it should be 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.

Bell work

Bell work is a period of class time devoted to preliminary math problems and exercises in any class tought by Steven Peterson at Haverford High School in Havertown, Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania. Students are expected to individually complete the excercises in their notebooks. Bell work generally lasts ten to twenty minutes, but sometimes can last over an hour, sometimes even lasting the entire class period. Many students have decried bell work claiming that it is a meager substitute for actual instruction by Mr. Peterson. === The bell work song === In order to inspire his students to continue the grind of bell work, Peterson often sings his patented "bell work song". A student favorite, the song goes as follows: What get's me up in the morning? Bell work. What keeps school from being too boring? Bell work. B-E-double L, W-O-R-K, When I have you everything is OK. What get's me up in the morning? Bell work. I love you bell work!

From Bert and Ernie

It is rumored that Ronald McDonald has lived with them for short periods of time and has taken dumps in their sink.

Cow Cake

Cow Cake.

Theoretically, a cake containing a cow.

Some may suggest it to be a cow containing a cake, which is rather difficult to put into perspective.

Indeed.

Moo.

Forn m ujjd the preosn thwpo eats chese ! Yeah, you read that right!

from the perseonf owhoe aeats thcesses thcoms ehrte mos6t aever y thing that has ever existed! buh jow din is the tinge of succeses ting tin the junst ro Angroiwe! It od s vjrrdr! it is aches ese! eating cheese with a spon is only fun if yu are a llama! If you re a dmeented poopy-saturatefd llama you will dire from tape xposure, becaues tou tingk it tahstes tojjelike cheese!!!

If you can fiugre yout what im switring wiii yougiv you 10 bfjeucks!

From Super Smash Bros.

Original:
  • Jigglypuff (from the Pokémon series) - Jigglypuff is light and floats, just like Kirby, and has an attack that puts enemies to sleep. (Unlocked by beating single-player mode.)
Changed:
  • Mothra (from the Godzilla series) - Mothra is allways slowly flapping her wings and hovering in mid air but will fall when hovering over nothing. (Unlocked by beating single-player mode.)
Also added:
  • Fire Mothra: A 3 time bigger form of Mothra thats bun incased in a body of flames. Fire Mothra cam shoot super strong beams of fire and ram into you making you unconshens. Fire Mothra only appears in the Fighting Polygon level after the polygons have bun killed and the regular Mothra has bun unlocked.

From Jimbo's user page

-
Image:Jimbo at Fosdem cropped rounded.png
-
OBEY GOD

Note: He didn't put that on there by the way. See the responsible party and actual edit.

Marian Rejewski

(currently the featured article as of 10 March 2006)

While home for the summer in 1930, Rejewski suffered from an interabdominal tear that resulted from a massive fart but survived and accepted an offer of a mathematics teaching assistantship at Poznań University.

From Talk:RAS syndrome

"Likewise with ""CSS style sheets"", where CSS can also refer to the Content-scrambling system used on DVD Video titles, or even Client-side_scripting."

Why on earth would anyone talk of content-scrambling system in the same context as cascading style sheets? Moreover, nobody would use CSS to mean "Client-side_scripting" [sic] - a quick OneLook and Google search reveals no evidence of this meaning, and CSS already has an established meaning in the common context. AISI this sentence is just conjuring up an ambiguity that isn't really there. -- Smjg 14:16, 6 May 2005 (UTC)

From Borg

All your Borg are belong to us.

Ploogle

The Ploogle is a very dangerous creature that lurks in dark passageways in your home, work, and school. When threatened, the Ploogle prefers to mess with you mentally than physically. It is especially dangerous when provoked on an IM program. If you should encounter such a creature as the Ploogle, please notify the authorities.

Color Watch

The Color Friend (Full name, "Color Friend Hyper 48") was a failed experimental gaming system, circa 1988. It was created by the Korean company Color Friend, and was one of the earliest (if little known) attempts in the gaming industry to "overpower" the competition.

History

In 1987, Color Friend Inc. was founded in Korea by Australian entrepreneur, Dan Mitchell. Mitchell's idea of the "Perfect System" was one which sacrificed nothing in the interest of gaming experience. Mitchell was an expert at marketing his ideas to investors and quickly raised enough capital to get his company off the ground. Sadly, Mitchell was not as adept at marketing his vision to the market itself as he was to these brave investors.

Color Friend's first (and last) project, "Hyper 48" was the manifestation of Mitchell's dream.

Hardware

Only three working prototypes of the CF Hyper 48 were ever created.

The "48" in the system's name was a reference to its architecture, which used 13 65C816 microprocessors (similar to the processor used in the SNES). The 13 processors were arranged in 3 "triclusters", groups of 3 processors. These triclusters each used a 4th processor which divided tasks to the other 3 processors, and managed their output. These triclusters handled data in 48 bit chunks (16-bits per processor). All of the triclusters were coordinated by the last processor.

Each coordinating processor (including the last) had the task of looking ahead in the programs sent to them and determining the most efficient way to divide up tasks. Output from each processor then had to be sorted by the coordinating processors in order for the 13 processors to work in a standard FIFO architecture.

The system had a whopping 1.8 MB of RAM.

Programming

Unlike its contemporaries, the CF Hyper 48 did not require the knowledge of its assembly language to develop for. Instead it used an easily human readable language, which was heavily compiled to take full advantage of the complex architecture that the system used. Sprites were automatically given pointers as if preloaded into ram (although they were not). The sprites were stored as raw pixel data on the cartridges. Also notable of the sprites on the CF Hyper 48 was that they had full 32 bit color depth.

Weaknesses

Because of the system's aggressive look-ahead architecture, it had quirks when running games that sometimes required it to come to a complete halt while processing finished. Additionally overheating was a huge issue. With 13 processors, the system would become so hot that powerful (and loud) fans were necessary to keep it cool.

While 1.8 MB was a huge amount of RAM at the time, it was still very little in terms of storing 32 bit color images. Programmers were forced to be extremely thrifty with the RAM, and sometimes performance suffered.

The system's most crippling weakness, though, was its tremendous cost. At the time, had it gone to market, the system would have cost over 3400 USD. After over a year of development, Color Friend's investors decided that consumers would be unwilling to pay for Dan Mitchell's dream. Almost all of them pulled out their money shortly after the unveiling of the third prototype.

References

  • Bragia, Michelle. Dan Mitchell: a Biography. 1996.
  • Peches, Conner. Australian in Korea: The Hyper 48 Project. 1991.
  • Hammagh, Brian G. Perfect Gaming: The Story of Color Friend. 2001.

From Quiet Rufus

Image:P167.gif
200px

In 17th Century Prose, the seemingly befuddled character Quiet Rufus, orignally coined by the prominent Germanic circus trapeze artist "Moderate Nbungu Jones", pops up in a number of disparate literary works, including:

The length of time between the penning of Quiet Rufus Does it Again and the subsequent work just displays the audacity with which Quiet Rufus does indeed Shake Down the Boogie Two Time, baby.

Moderate Nbungu Himself

Although the man himself remains shrouded in mystery, the few shreds of parchment that dictate Moderate N. Jones' existance can be viewed (with great personal verissimilitude) at the Frankfurt International Airport's Secret Literary Storage Area, located just next to McDonalds.

Born to impoverished members of a Flying Monkey Troupe in the burning deserts of the Sahara, N. Jones was able to overcome his adverse beginnings to become one of the most highly regarded artists (both in literary works and trapeze skills) of his age. His trademark wit and deadpan humour has since inspired countless writers including Porky McFadden, Reggie O B O, and Stephen "King" Jones (who is believed to be a direct descendent of the trapezemeister himself).

The circumstances surrounding his death are still not fully understood to this day, it seems that it was a tiger driven to the brink of insanity by heat stroke combined with LSD consumption that eventually brought Nbungu to his grisly death, just 105 years after his birth. Quite what he was doing in the tiger research facility at LSD Heights, Beijing, is still uncertain although close friends of Jones' often described him as a 'real hit' with the tigers.

Quiet Rufus' impact on Modern Literature

The evidence for the lingering influence of Moderate Nbungu's charming character who was instantly accessible to children and adults alike but often inadequately equipped with trousers, is such that graffiti still appears on the streets of Philadelphia Town, proclaiming "Rufus Lives, OK?" and "Rufus Rocks my Socks, OK?". However, Rufus' escapades have even influenced modern writers of great standing, such as Tom Clancy (displayed by his seminal espionage thriller: "Quiet Rufus Meets Jack Ryan").

From Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/Spanjo:

Spanjo

Non-notable sandwich served (and discontinued years ago) by a single university cafeteria. Normally I would prod this, but the speedy was already contested (meaning, I feel prod would be a waste of time). Delete I am now changing my vote -- to Extremely strong delete, due to users that are now stalking me on IM due to my stance on this issue. Andy Saunders 19:27, 7 March 2006 (UTC)

  • As there is no other place on the internet where the recipe or process for this sandwich is available, I feel that wikipedia is fufilling its mission of keeping information not otherwise available accessible to anyone who needs it. I also contest OntarioQuizzer's use of the phrase "non-notable".--Indiebass 19:34, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
    • "Wikipedia is a neutral and unbiased compilation of notable, verifiable facts." "A view is generally considered notable if it is potentially information of value or interest in some way to a significant number of people, or to some perspective, or its omission would leave a significant gap in historical human knowledge of a subject." (from WP:8W). I am of the opinion that the Spanjo is not of interest to a significant number of people; therefore, I refer to it as "non-notable". -- Andy Saunders 19:37, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
      • Additionally, a Google shows a total of 1 hit for 'spanjo Michigan'; to a site that is only in Google's cache. -- Andy Saunders 21:35, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
    • Indibass, thank you very much for your contribution. I made myself a spango for lunch today and it was amazing! I believe that it would be a slap in the face to vegitarians everywhere if this sandwhich was deleted from record and forever lost to civilization. Andy Saunders seems to be a typical Canadian anti-vegitarianite. Just because it does not have gravy does not mean it is not good. Besides Andy, who made you the sandwich police?!! [Spango-fango]—The preceding unsigned comment was added by 141.211.65.210 (talk • contribs) 13:44, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
  • Delete, not notable. If it's so good then write it down yourself and share it on your own website, and come back here when it's a common lunch item. Grandmasterka 19:48, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
  • "the Spanjo is not of interest to a significant number of people" -OntarioQuizzer. Again: not true. The University of Michigan has the world's largest number of living alumni, more than a few of whom have eaten spanjos. I fail to see why anyone would want to make legitimate information unavailable. As a repository of information, wikipedia should pride itself on making the underserved accessible. Yes, your Funk and Wagnall is going to have a Reuben in it, but the Wikipedia was created for items like the Spanjo. --Indiebass 19:54, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
    • As Andy Saunders has demonstrated, Wikipedia was not created for such items. -- Thesquire (talk - contribs) 20:25, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
  • Delete per nom and for completely unconvincing arguments supporting the article. --Bugwit grunt / scribbles 20:18, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
  • Delete per Bugwit -- Thesquire (talk - contribs) 20:25, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
  • Delete. No convincing argument to keep it. If it's no longer on the menu, and nobody else has ever served it, it's a one-off. --Elkman - (talk) 20:33, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
Comment: Wikipedia convention is "keep", not "do not delete". Remember to sign your posts on talk pages as well. -- Andy Saunders 20:41, 7 March 2006 (UTC)


keep Thesquire wrote: "As Andy Saunders has demonstrated..." Has he really? Because you say it does that make it so? There are several comments in support of this article, and I wouldn't have created it just so it could be deleted. I would like someone to tell me 1) what is the best thing that could happen by deleting this article and 2) what is the worst thing that could happen by keeping this article. I think you'll find that more information is preferable to deleting something because you don't know what it is. Maybe it makes you afraid. I don't know. What I do know is deleting this article is a blow against the guiding principles that wikipedia was founded on. 

--Indiebass 20:50, 7 March 2006 (UTC)

KEEP!!!The Spanjo is how I met my husband. You see, I was at the Halfass, trying to decide which sandwich to order, when the guy in front of me ordered a Spanjo. I was thinking about trying the Spanjo myself, but as a poor college student, I was reluctant to spend my money on a sandwich I might not like. I asked the guy in front of me how the Spanjo was, and with his encouragement, I took the plunge. We ended up eating our Spanjos together that afternoon, and 5 years later we got married (and for the record, we had mini Spanjos during the cocktail hour). Every year, we return to Michigan for a football game, and on these trips we are sure to visit the Halfass for a Spanjo at least one time (they still make the sandwich, even though it is not on the official menu). Go Blue! (talk • contribs)

    • KEEP!!! Please tell me how the Spanjo falls into the "indiscriminate collection of information" category - it is NOT a list of frequently asked questions, it is NOT a list of repositories or loosely associated topics, it is NOT a travel guide, it is NOT a memorial, it is NOT news report, it is NOT a genealogical or phonebook entry, it is NOT a directory or resource for conducting business, and it is NOT an instruction manual. Frankly, I really don't understand what all the protesting is about. If someone could provide a calm and rational argument, I would really appreciate it. What is the harm of leaving this page up? Given the large number of posts in a relatively short period of time, this is clearly of interest to a significant number of people. Go Blue! (talk • contribs)
  • Delete oh! my! god! once again, it's always the least likely stuff that ends up being goofily contested on AfD. — User:Adrian/zap2.js 21:34, 7 March 2006 (UTC)
  • Delete Adrian, you seem fond of pointing that out.